How it goes

Sometimes I think that too much is going on for me to ever see my life from a better place. The more I try, the more things challenge my best intentions. Now written, I feel a bit better for having stated that. It does not feel as challenging. What it is, is the overwhelming sense that I get sometimes that nothing is giving in my life. There sometimes feels like there is no corner for adult joys. There is nothing that I am doing for myself that sets a moment apart where I am induging myself in something just for me. Lately I have been going back and forth on my feelings for my ex- husband. I lament from time to time. It isn't that unusual, after all, I was with him for two decades. I sometimes feel tired, wary, hurt still! Still reeling from how much more effort he seems to put into disliking me than he'd ever put into liking me. But that is a bit of an illusion. He has done this to both of his parents as well,so I am actually in an elite club. I miss him sometimes. And by miss, I mean the person that got me to love them. I miss that guy. Our child does not know that guy, I don't think. He only projects some of that person to her. Again, it makes me feel wary to think about that. I need distance from these feelings....but I wanted to at least not this down.