stop the world for a moment

This week I promised myself that I would take a few days off from checking Facebook. But I had something to do for someone, so I had no choice but to check their message.In so doing, I came across some sad news about the death of a colleague. I had no idea that he was battling Cancer. This guy was a really lovely person. He was quite young, not yet thirty. But last year he got married, and he had had a child before getting married, and then had one after he got married. Somehow though, I never saw him as moving too fast in his life. To me he seemed to be one of the smart ones. He knew what he wanted and he was doing it with a smile every day. Tonight, I remember him with great admiration. I cannot imagine the void he has left with his wife, children and family. What I do know is that I shall never forget him. Appreciate what he came to do, however brief he was here. He made some impression on me. Grieving is a process. There is no way to get "over' it. You live with it. Some days are better than others, and eventually the person settles into the back of your mind leaving moments to remember them by. However, for now, the pain is sharpened dull at the same time. I feel so much loss this year. So much personal loss. This shall not be the last time either, as those I love are all getting on in years. It doesn't get any easier, and easy in not going to happen, ever where this is concerned. I know that with my partner, there have been days when I know that it would be so good to dial his number. We spoke every day, sometimes several times a day, coming down to the end of his life. One good thing about this passing, I have to write, is that he had fun down to the last. I am so happy to be able to write that. Nothing has upset me more with the deaths that I have experienced recently, than the fact that so many spent their last weeks and months in conflict and pain. He was in pain as well, but he had established so much love and certainty into the world he created. I could not let today pass and not remember him.

Today someone I just met mentioned her Facebook page being hacked. Her friend then casually said that she has hacked the pages of others.The conversation quickly went to your attitude about your own information. The "Hacker" said that the point was to not be blackmailed by your own property. Feeling ashamed was completely overrated. What I liked about the observations was that it is in many ways akin to what happens with negative self talk. One can get so invested in a belief system that even if a solution is found, hesitation occurs. Tonight I felt the need to literally snap myself out of some negative thinking. I was happy to hear myself get right on all of the crap I was thinking.What generally gets me in the relationship stuff. Work stuff, I don't take as much to heart. I am uptight. Some of my views contradict my behavior and challenge me no end. I am tired. Tired of the results. Tired of everything being topsy turvy. Tired. I am happy with y work. I am not as happy with the renumerations. But that can be worked out. What's happening now is my determination to work on my inner and outer thinking/expectation.

clarity

The Caribbean has gone through a great deal since the hurricanes, Irma, Jose and Marie. Amidst all of that, I have been going through all sorts of things as well. But most of all, I am very pleased to write tonight that anxiety and doubt are not among my thoughts. In fact, in the few moments when I have been able to feel clarity, I have relished the experience. Now is such a time. I had been going over some recurring thoughts...but this time, I knew that I would find breadcrumbs in the things I watched, listened to and allowed my body to react to. I knew that I was still learning from my experience in March. I also knew that it wasn't about 'him' but he was the catalyst. How else would I pay attention? It has been fascinating. It takes discipline to not get sucked and suckered into one way of thinking, particularly when what you feel is chemical in nature, and for centuries, training and nurture makes one think that there is only one way to behave. Powerful emotions cloud the mind. However,one can also observe them. Having powerful emotions does not mean that you have to lose yourself, or that you will lose yourself in another. The ideal experience to me, is meeting someone who recognizes you in the same way that you recognize them.You both arrive at a place where you are responsible for you. The other person is responsible for themself. There is no need for game playing because there is no need to feel vulnerable. For me, it feels like it has been a long road. I have been very good at concealment. It has taken me a long time, a great deal of patience to crack open my feelings. I love making lists, so I have found comfort in my own patterns. I didnt even acknowledge that I could not receive the things I claimed to want, because I didn't really want the responsibilities of them. My experiences were actually such that I could write something on my list like...a partner. But, I am still sad and angry about losing the partner that meant the world to me. So, my list is genuine, but my inner and outer are at odds. I could state that this is damn inconvenient, because I thought that all I had to do is affirm what I want and just go after it. But because what happened in March happened as it did, I cant make the same old pronouncements of the past. I would even go further and say that in 2017, I can state that this experience in March is an anomaly. It went completely counter to all of my patterns. Life really is easier than I have believed. Tonight I can see how much it is. Have a plan that is foremost and make it happen. Love life. See worry as pointless. Be kind, be confident. Be happy. When I feel sad, be sad. Feelings happen, holding to them is the problem. I would say that this year I confronted sides of myself that I do not show often. I have also confronted that my contradictory behavior does not mean that something is very wrong with me. I have to embrace everything. The work that I am doing now is necessary to achieving what I truly desire for myself ultimately.