clarity

The Caribbean has gone through a great deal since the hurricanes, Irma, Jose and Marie. Amidst all of that, I have been going through all sorts of things as well. But most of all, I am very pleased to write tonight that anxiety and doubt are not among my thoughts. In fact, in the few moments when I have been able to feel clarity, I have relished the experience. Now is such a time. I had been going over some recurring thoughts...but this time, I knew that I would find breadcrumbs in the things I watched, listened to and allowed my body to react to. I knew that I was still learning from my experience in March. I also knew that it wasn't about 'him' but he was the catalyst. How else would I pay attention? It has been fascinating. It takes discipline to not get sucked and suckered into one way of thinking, particularly when what you feel is chemical in nature, and for centuries, training and nurture makes one think that there is only one way to behave. Powerful emotions cloud the mind. However,one can also observe them. Having powerful emotions does not mean that you have to lose yourself, or that you will lose yourself in another. The ideal experience to me, is meeting someone who recognizes you in the same way that you recognize them.You both arrive at a place where you are responsible for you. The other person is responsible for themself. There is no need for game playing because there is no need to feel vulnerable. For me, it feels like it has been a long road. I have been very good at concealment. It has taken me a long time, a great deal of patience to crack open my feelings. I love making lists, so I have found comfort in my own patterns. I didnt even acknowledge that I could not receive the things I claimed to want, because I didn't really want the responsibilities of them. My experiences were actually such that I could write something on my list like...a partner. But, I am still sad and angry about losing the partner that meant the world to me. So, my list is genuine, but my inner and outer are at odds. I could state that this is damn inconvenient, because I thought that all I had to do is affirm what I want and just go after it. But because what happened in March happened as it did, I cant make the same old pronouncements of the past. I would even go further and say that in 2017, I can state that this experience in March is an anomaly. It went completely counter to all of my patterns. Life really is easier than I have believed. Tonight I can see how much it is. Have a plan that is foremost and make it happen. Love life. See worry as pointless. Be kind, be confident. Be happy. When I feel sad, be sad. Feelings happen, holding to them is the problem. I would say that this year I confronted sides of myself that I do not show often. I have also confronted that my contradictory behavior does not mean that something is very wrong with me. I have to embrace everything. The work that I am doing now is necessary to achieving what I truly desire for myself ultimately.