Sometimes I am left wondering, and at other times I am so filled with a sense of peace and love that nothing can sway my equilibrium. There is a certain knowing that buoys me up and I feel filled with the best sense of wellbeing. Nothing particularly remarkable caused it, it just is. Perhaps it was going to Toco today. All of the greenery and the ocean took be out of myself and literally expanded my thinking. I am extremely grateful.

suddenly it is clear

For months and months I have been fighting my heart. Finally, I read a quote from Osho that set me straight. Don't allow the fear to overpower you. Allow LOVE to overpower you. Love comes from the CENTRE. Fear always comes from the periphery; don't allow this perifary to be dominant. That says so much to me. Waw!!!! I have been behaving as though I cannot trust my own good feelings. It is clear why I have been doing that. I have not actually thought about how certain feelings would impact me. I have been so caught up with feeling awkward and not wanting to do something wrong because I feel so happy, that I have been driving myself crazy instead. What Osho is telling me with that statement is that I shouldn't worry about what I feel. What I feel is to be felt and expressed, and I shouldn't hold it in because I may be rejected or embarrassed or whatever. To feel that way would mean that I expect that love is happening outside of myself and that I have expectations. Of course I have expectations. But I didn't think that I deserve my expectations...or perhaps I think that they can only end badly, so why venture? There are no guarantees, and no one should think that they can ultimately give me one. That shouldn't be what a relationship is about. Life goes on. I am love again, always have been. I am putting one foot in front of the other, and I am very much here and now.

some thoughts on emotions

Learning to live with contradictions is something that I have begun to accept more readily in my life. As I have been writing for several months, the impact of one encounter succeeded in me being so moved that it was practically all I could think about. I worried that I was completely overcome. The intensity of my feelings brought me great wonder but also great trepidation. Now, many months hence, I am a bit more settled. Time and distance succeeded in bringing me to this place that I write from tonight I must start by stating that all of the searching thoughts, the analysis, everything that I observed, taught me so much. The title of this entry is what I want to get at however. I saw the way I went from being closed off to being hopeful. I saw the way I discovered that I could not pretend any longer that I was ok with the day to day, and the things that brought such challenge to me. I wanted to be with this person. But I was also afraid to want to admit that I desired it. His actions gave me the opportunity to step away. But then, I could not dismiss him out of hand. I missed everything about the experience. But although I felt that I should venture out and go for what I wanted, I was in two minds about my approach. I fought with myself on every occasion. I grudgingly stepped up, and amazingly enough, I was more rewarded than not for the effort. But an effort it certainly was. A few days ago I stepped away from all of the questions and resistance and particularly my mind telling myself all sorts of stories both good and bad about how to proceed. I quieted everything down and decided to put it away. By doing so, I feel that I have met myself again. Of course, I cherish what I experienced. I felt so much that was so very lovely, hopeful, beautiful. I appreciated it. It continues to bring a smile to my face. I say thank you. No doubt about it. It tells me that I am ready for the right person, or another person who is right for me. While also knowing that I am right for myself.