some thoughts on emotions

Learning to live with contradictions is something that I have begun to accept more readily in my life. As I have been writing for several months, the impact of one encounter succeeded in me being so moved that it was practically all I could think about. I worried that I was completely overcome. The intensity of my feelings brought me great wonder but also great trepidation. Now, many months hence, I am a bit more settled. Time and distance succeeded in bringing me to this place that I write from tonight I must start by stating that all of the searching thoughts, the analysis, everything that I observed, taught me so much. The title of this entry is what I want to get at however. I saw the way I went from being closed off to being hopeful. I saw the way I discovered that I could not pretend any longer that I was ok with the day to day, and the things that brought such challenge to me. I wanted to be with this person. But I was also afraid to want to admit that I desired it. His actions gave me the opportunity to step away. But then, I could not dismiss him out of hand. I missed everything about the experience. But although I felt that I should venture out and go for what I wanted, I was in two minds about my approach. I fought with myself on every occasion. I grudgingly stepped up, and amazingly enough, I was more rewarded than not for the effort. But an effort it certainly was. A few days ago I stepped away from all of the questions and resistance and particularly my mind telling myself all sorts of stories both good and bad about how to proceed. I quieted everything down and decided to put it away. By doing so, I feel that I have met myself again. Of course, I cherish what I experienced. I felt so much that was so very lovely, hopeful, beautiful. I appreciated it. It continues to bring a smile to my face. I say thank you. No doubt about it. It tells me that I am ready for the right person, or another person who is right for me. While also knowing that I am right for myself.