My neice and I did the High Line Walk today. I have to state that it impacted me completely. It was an absolutely edifying experience for me. I felt the value of Architectural Design and Environmental Design in all of its glory. Every step advanced the feeling of wellbeing, something that I really needed to feel. I can safely say that so far that has been the best part of my trip. I have been having a reasonable time, but I have had moments that clearly remind me that I can go anywhere I want, but the things that challenge me, continue to do so, and I never run away from them, but they can be inconvenient. Today was different. I found that I was actually able to move past those things and really appreciate that time is short, my insecurities are not there to slow me down and I can focus on better and better and better still. What I felt was a relief. I get so tired of feeling down, and it takes some doing to get out of the feeling. However, today was the salve I needed.

gather no moss

This week Fashion Designer Kate Spade and Chef, Anthony Bourdain committed suicide. It was shocking. These two powerhouses in their field obviously seemed to be at the top of their game. One wonders when things like this happens, the belief is that everyone thrives for a fraction of the amazing success of such people. So when those who appear to do so well fall apart, it is mind-boggling. But the reality is that feeling low has nothing to do with money or success. This year I have had my moments when I have felt hopeless. Nothing outwardly proved what was going on inside my mind. For me the only way to combat it,is to know that I can focus my attention away from what pains me. It doesn't always work. From somewhere deep inside , if you push and poke, if you can, you can eventually sense that it is but a moment. the next moment doesn't have to be equally bad, or the next and next...but it takes will and faith and hope that somewhere along the way, better will come. Sometimes the better is tiny. It is incremental. It may even not be what you want. But you hold on to that ray of hope like its oxygen your breathing into your lungs. When suicides like those very famous ones happen,I wonder about the lives. Anthony Bourdain would have heard about Kate Spade. When people are at their lowest, who knows what people are dealing with? It also reminds you to be grateful. There you may be, thinking the worst yourself, but somehow, you don't feel the way those who make the choices do. Today on the train there was an agitated man who was cursing about his relationship gone wrong. It was a reminder to how much we believe the things we experience so completely. It is so easy to get very caught up in your feelings. You want something to be a certain way, but you don't always get what you want...you get what you need 'The Rolling Stones."

the cloud

I am on vacation and it feels so weird to not be running around this time. Being here gives me a little perspective. Having the opportunity to step away from the things that concern me, I now remember that although I may want some things to go a certain way,that I may be so fortunate to not have my life tangled up in directions that do not serve me. I have always felt that way, but in the last year I did not feel that way at all. I wanted to push and manipulate something to my will, and not for anything would my efforts pay off. This led me to feel great doubt and to soul search. I wondered privately what was I not doing? Or what was it that I did that was wrong? However, ultimately, my experiences tell me that when things do not work out as I would like, I can look at what IS actually going on that I am controlling in my life now. So, for example, I may feel that I am not having certain financial improvements. I may think that it is preventing me from starting a venture that I hoped to focus on to be able to make decisions to shift from one place to another. But something inexplicable curtails the plan. It may mean that I should push harder? But sometimes it means that I have to re-evaluate my plans. I will never forget the story the Architect Zaha Hadid told about her early work. She won a prestigious contest and expected that it would lead to her first building being built. But then it didn't happen for years. She was devastated. Then she decided to re-structure her company. That decision led to a much better approach when the real jobs she wanted came her way. I have never forgotten about that. It is also clear to me that sometimes you can't see any good in the stall, or in what seems like a perminantly bad situation. I would write that you just have to evaluate how to make the best out of what you are faced with, and that's that.