A few days ago I thought that I had read the perfect introduction, summing up so many conflicting feelings I have. I don't know why, but I did not screen capture it, photograph it or write it down. So I shall just have to go on memory. The statement was about expectations. It was one of those evenings when I would be fine one moment and the next I would find my thoughts wondering and eventually leading me down paths so familiar that I would forget that they led me to brooding. I know that if I can't keep to knowing that I am moving forward and I have plans and I am creating my future from the best energy that I can muster, and then...bam. these little niggling moods flutter around me like mosquitoes! The statement felt like a meal and I injested it whole. It was exactly what I needed to push myself out of my morass. I have been looking for it ever since. But, I had to accept defeat and proceed to write this evening anyway.

There are times when I find that I really have to work at keeping my mind on my best. Sometimes I want to fall back into the feelings of desair, because I think that if I don't acknowledge them, they will act out something to bring me to my knees. Also, sometimes I feel as though I am walking in mostly darkness. How is it that I can feel so good one moment and then the extreme opposite the next? I am tired tonight, and I was tired last night as well. I opened this blog and all I could write was three sentences. However, as I write this, the cloud is lifting. I just needed to come here and rest a moment. I know this feeling comes over me because there is something I feel disappointed about, and that of course is an expectation. I think that I have at least one or two things to feel really good about, and other things that I am working on that shall be very satisfying. I have no need to be glum. The things that I think that are making me feel like this is rejection. I just am conscious of all of the things that I worked really hard at that seem to have left me feeling that all of my efforts were in vain. It may help me tonight to think about what I can do to change what I am feeling. I think that I have also fallen into a rut in some ways. I changed up my routine this week, and I felt the results of that. I am establishing new friendships and I almost said no to an offer to hang out with them because I am so used to not going anywhere or having anyone invite me to anything. I know that part of saying no is because everyone else is peered up and I loathe the very thought of making small talk with people who may feel as dis-interested as I can. Yet, I stay at home and I always have something to do. But I cannot shake the knowledge that I am substituting that busyness for friendship, closeness and fun. My attitude is not getting me anywhere. I have to make more of an effort.

STILL HERE

Now that the moves to prevent me from moving ahead in my job has been exposed, I have to move on. I have a lot to do. It is a bit overwhelming, but I shall prevail. The extent of the lies and deception is mind blowing. I had to go for my usual walk and figure out what I should do next. As I did that, I grew more and more dispondant.I felt as though I had no alleys. No one in my corner to even speak with. I acknowledged that and I saw that I was still standing. I saw that despite all that was thrown at me, pretending to be my friend, pretending to be a colleague, pretending to want to involve me in things hoping to see me fail....I am still standing, and I looked at myself in awe and saw that I am STILL HERE.