what a thing

A few weeks ago I was in another country, walking in a very scenic place, contemplating my next move in my life and career. It was a lovely, breezy day and I felt optimistic enough to consider the possibility of getting back, as the saying goes, on the market. That wistful sentiment proved to have been true, for as I returned to my home, I was met with the request of a suitor. Yes, I have been watching Game of Thrones and inclined to want to use the language for this particular entry. Anyway, it led me to have a moment where I had to conclude that my mind was receptive and because it was, I manifested the results. Now, less than two weeks in, I have already ended what it could have been before it had a chance to bloom into anything. It died on the vine. This time I was greatly helped to see that it was no one's fault, just a very different approach to life and particularly to love. I am taken by the fact that I have known the person for so long, and yet know so little about their emotional life, although I know all of the details that mattered as a friend. What I know about him as a friend and what I have already experienced as a prospect are two completely different things. I also saw the way this man sets things up to please himself. I do not believe that I factored much in his plans apart from what he wanted. Oddly enough, yet again, he has all of the proper traits. He is a loving son, a hard worker, a creative person, polite, funny, thoughtful...so what could go wrong? or what is it that wrung wrong? Selfish, egotistical, clueless skip quickly to mind. I know, who would have thought. He is very nice on the surface but not too far underneath he is also intolerant. But you don't pick that up until you're in a relationship, or a romantic situation with him. I think it may be that he was made to believe that to be a man, one must assert ones strength...brawn or something over the person one is attracted to?It came about in our conversations. I am not asked what would work for me or if I state what I desire, it is responded to with doubts on his part. He either has never done it, not interested in it in the past or can't afford it. This is so strange the way I have spoken to this person for so many, many years, and now, I do not know him at all...I am cautious with my criticism because I know that you react to what you are at any given time. So I would ask, is it inevitable that I cannot find happiness? I don't believe that to be the case. I am now overthinking. Sometimes people are just not compatible, even if they are friends.

coming in handy

Lately I have been wondering whether life just goes around in circles giving us variations of our lives?I have been friends for years with someone who recently expressed interest. Recently divorced and childless, he made some obvious moves that were quite endearing and being friends, we talked about looking into something more. Lo and behold, he reminded me of someone I had known twenty years ago who is now dead, as well as an amalgam of someone else I have already mentioned. But I chose to suspend belief. I was dealing with the strange experience of taking a friendship I had never thought of acting on, further. It is so funny, You know someone forever, but you know absolutely nothing about their sexual side at all. Thus the awkwardness began. My instinct which has become sharper and sharper, but I have been battling with of late, because I believe that it was on vacation with the last person...was very clear throughout this encounter. It was telling me that the whole thing was too weird. But speaking to a dear friend of mine, the opinion was that this is a long standing friend, and what could be healthier? Basing a relationship on such a foundation should be 'magical'. This proved to be very true, magically mind blowingly BAD. His taste is so unappealing to me that I cannot get around it, and this is after trying just to consider romance, he drops a hell of a bomb on me with what he considers good sex. To him it involves only penetration, caressing the other person and kissing. Ok, that doesn't sound horrible. However, if you read that over a few times it should hit you. It means that foreplay, the most obvious, most (to me) purposeful reason to engage with another human being, is off of his agenda. He just wants to focus on upper body and then plough into female flesh.I have never heard anyone liking that, but it is clear that he has met women who love it, as he said the typical thing to me, " I have had no complaints!' Smirk. I had an instant complaint! What made it all the stranger was that I had taken a week to wrap my mind around the image of him and I actually doing couple stuff and possibly being together in the hazy future. It took some doing, but it began to seem possible.Now I must conclude that great friendship may not mean great romantic relationship! I have seen in the past that common held beliefs about what you look for in a man does not always mean that it translates into something meaningful either.Keeping an open mind is key, but also, I must state that in this situation my instincts were sharper than ever. I just had to say no right away and my boundaries were unwavering. Sometimes people are just not compatible no matter how they look on paper.

Facing my face

A few days ago I had to confront a niggling issue that has very slowly been coming to the fore. I have a friend whom I have known for at least eighteen years. He's probably about ten years younger than I am. He has always liked me, and we have had a very solid relationship as relationships go. I don't call him up to chat, but he calls me up, and over the years it has been simple and easy. About a year ago he told me that he was getting divorced. I know his whole history with his wife and was sympathetic and listened to his struggles with being newly single. Now, he has been contacting me more and more and I know that he is positioning himself 'all how' to find a way to get closer to me. This makes me feel weird. I had an encounter with him about ten years ago when he kissed me in a very sneaky way and stunned the shit out of me when he did it. I never made him feel that he had another chance with me again. At the time I felt that he had crossed a line. Now that he is on my horizon again, he leaves me with much to ponder. I have seen how I have gone from someone who had very clear views and even lists about what and who I would like romantically. I would state that post divorce my experiences with men leave much to be desired and I am now wary and tired of even considering getting back into anything, although while I was away, I felt that I might be ready to pursue something new. This has me dismayed. I must certainly come across confused. What do I want? I will never have an idea situation if I am ambivalent. Why do I feel this way? Well for starters, someone recently divorced is wounded. To get involved with someone right out of divorce to me is a bad idea. I have made enough bad choices post divorce. I still have residual feelings for juliemangoman who I shall no longer give the nickname...my husband. Jeez! Irony of ironies as well, this new person has a lot of similar features to him. He's a great guy.But somehow, I cannot get past how fed up I am with meeting men, or knowing men for a long time and deciding to accept their advances only to have it not work out. This last time to me has proven to be the straw. It has been just too much. I really fell for him and I think that I felt hurt the worst because I never saw him coming. I have not gotten over it. Not really. So I don't want to lead anyone on and make this person think something that I am not ready for. I now wonder whether I will ever be ready again? It seems far off in the very, very distant future before I can trust any man's advances of any kind. This is a bit sad because as I stated before, there was a moment this year when I thought that it may be so nice to meet someone and have a real relationship. One where we speak all the time, send texts, pplan dates, get to know each other, enjoy the others company...make plans around each other...the last time I did that seems like the last century! I am putting this all here because I do want to have companionship and not one that is had with a pet or just a friend. i do miss what a romantic relationship is all about. In fact, despite all of the things that I write, I feel extremely embarrassed to admit that I need anyone. I can't explain it properly, but somewhere, somehow, I don't like admitting that I would like to be in love again. Thus said, it shows just how damaged I still am over all of the relationships I have been in. I guess I should state thank god that they have not been many. I need to write because I want to figure out where I am and whether I really can take such a step in the future where I don't feel as I do now. So I would say that despite myself, I hold out a little hope, and that's not a bad thing.

creating my story

Being away as I have has swept the cobwebs out of my mind. I would even say that I needed a moment for the racing, happy thoughts that filtered through. What I love is going from wondering how to do something to seeing not only how possible it is, but how much it IS happening in real ways elsewhere. I wondered for a few moments whether I would have been so open if I were actually living in Canada as it had been planned ten years ago? I never gave it another thought until that moment. I have no answer. I would like to say that I would have hoped that I would have been making more work and happy Some of the things I have been able to accomplish here, I am grateful for retaining my focus on what I have wanted to do. What matters to me now is the road that I am on now. I am on another crossroads, career choice and country choice again.This time on my terms, and I shall be revisiting the title that I have given for this entry.