Facing my face

A few days ago I had to confront a niggling issue that has very slowly been coming to the fore. I have a friend whom I have known for at least eighteen years. He's probably about ten years younger than I am. He has always liked me, and we have had a very solid relationship as relationships go. I don't call him up to chat, but he calls me up, and over the years it has been simple and easy. About a year ago he told me that he was getting divorced. I know his whole history with his wife and was sympathetic and listened to his struggles with being newly single. Now, he has been contacting me more and more and I know that he is positioning himself 'all how' to find a way to get closer to me. This makes me feel weird. I had an encounter with him about ten years ago when he kissed me in a very sneaky way and stunned the shit out of me when he did it. I never made him feel that he had another chance with me again. At the time I felt that he had crossed a line. Now that he is on my horizon again, he leaves me with much to ponder. I have seen how I have gone from someone who had very clear views and even lists about what and who I would like romantically. I would state that post divorce my experiences with men leave much to be desired and I am now wary and tired of even considering getting back into anything, although while I was away, I felt that I might be ready to pursue something new. This has me dismayed. I must certainly come across confused. What do I want? I will never have an idea situation if I am ambivalent. Why do I feel this way? Well for starters, someone recently divorced is wounded. To get involved with someone right out of divorce to me is a bad idea. I have made enough bad choices post divorce. I still have residual feelings for juliemangoman who I shall no longer give the nickname...my husband. Jeez! Irony of ironies as well, this new person has a lot of similar features to him. He's a great guy.But somehow, I cannot get past how fed up I am with meeting men, or knowing men for a long time and deciding to accept their advances only to have it not work out. This last time to me has proven to be the straw. It has been just too much. I really fell for him and I think that I felt hurt the worst because I never saw him coming. I have not gotten over it. Not really. So I don't want to lead anyone on and make this person think something that I am not ready for. I now wonder whether I will ever be ready again? It seems far off in the very, very distant future before I can trust any man's advances of any kind. This is a bit sad because as I stated before, there was a moment this year when I thought that it may be so nice to meet someone and have a real relationship. One where we speak all the time, send texts, pplan dates, get to know each other, enjoy the others company...make plans around each other...the last time I did that seems like the last century! I am putting this all here because I do want to have companionship and not one that is had with a pet or just a friend. i do miss what a romantic relationship is all about. In fact, despite all of the things that I write, I feel extremely embarrassed to admit that I need anyone. I can't explain it properly, but somewhere, somehow, I don't like admitting that I would like to be in love again. Thus said, it shows just how damaged I still am over all of the relationships I have been in. I guess I should state thank god that they have not been many. I need to write because I want to figure out where I am and whether I really can take such a step in the future where I don't feel as I do now. So I would say that despite myself, I hold out a little hope, and that's not a bad thing.