Questions

A friend of mine is currently abroad for three months, she does that every year, so we end up speaking via Skype or Whats App. After one of our chats, she mentioned something that has made me curious. She stated that I know very well that I give myself my own issues to deal with. I agreed, but now I want to take a closer look at that. Time flies, I remember being twenty-one and wondering about this future. I certainly did not see any of this ahead of me. I wonder as well about the next fast twenty years ahead. What will I grapple with, what shall blindside me? What will bring me joy? What am I doing now that I shall look back on and wish or honor having done? Suddenly there is no more time sometimes. Suddenly, the fears are so great that acting in any direction leaves me un-mobile in my mind, but somehow, I want to have these conversations with myself on paper. I would say that 2019 has brought me to a place where I am willing to dream again and to set forward plans based on pure speculation for a change. I finally understand that the planning does not have to be perfect, or even long term. As to the question my friend put to me, I will write that if I give myself these tests, then I shall continue to write them and respond to them the same way. What matters to me now is the times in between. The times when I am not being predictable. I know that I am being a bit of a smart-ass here...about time. I have some set ways, and this year I have been very confrontational with the parts of me that I usually downplay. I have noticed them piping up and have been feeling a lot more balanced for it. The messy and not so messy sides are facets and assets. It is also so funny, I could intellectualize all I want, but there is much to be said for experiences. For whatever is ahead, that freedom to THINK for a moment, to rest in an assurance of your next step...that is so important. You make the best plan or you wing it from thing to thing producing....what? You at this moment. I saw it in an article in "O" magazine once....the actual number of brushed teeth, sleeping, eating, walking that one will do in a lifetime. All life times add up. We all impact each other. It is wearisome for me at times to consider that I am creating my experiences to "feel' something I need to prove or disprove. To add or to subtract. Why? Because I feel everything in the end...and I go straight into analysis mode...why, how? What was the point of doing that? All of that is me. I sit at home and I plot the course and I hurt my own feelings and I get up and do everything all over again in a different type of sequence that makes me feel that it is all new to me....again. What a life?!? Yet, can there be anything better?