the 2021 world

At the beginning of the year I was not working. At the end of the year, I am. I have an opportunity to change the way that I work. I see everything as a godsend. The death of my dad and the change of everything that has affected me, impacted my family and then the wider community and my country has put me, (and I am sure everyone else on the planet) into a place of contemplation and asking myself some new questions. Some answers are simple. We are now living with covid-19. I can work in a covid-19 world. I have options to work even better in a covid-19 world. An issue that never goes away is taking care of mind and body. It is about how do I manage if I were to lose my family all at once, or become ill and have to pay bills for it? Or could I take care of the house and unexpected expenses? Could I do it? None of that has changed at all. Money is always, always a divider to decisions being made now or put off or a constant scraping, collecting and turn-over. So what is there to do? For starters, panicking is not an action that is helpful What can you do? YOu have to put one foot in front of the other. You have to have a plan. You have to do your best to somehow manage. You read articles by economists who tell you to save money by not eating in restaurants and making your own coffee instead of buying Starbucks. But I would say that for so many people, they already do that and they also find themselves looking in their couches hoping to find a rolled up hundred dollar bill. Trying to balance between needs and wants is a constant. I am finding that I cannot afford to be poor, but poverty can afford to spend time with me. Lol. The constant waiting to have the money to do things to keep healthy enough to make money to get things! Sheesh! Then, your cash poor, but you live and you are around family who are wealthy...so no one thinks that you need anything...your family is rich motif! You know that you are lucky, and you have options and you are doing your best, but even for you, the money is just not coming in fast enough, and that latte, come on, you want a moment to treat yourself because of all the pressure! Life is so funny. What I am writing about is not unknown to all of us. What do we do? What to do? I was looking at an excellent documentary about Donald Trump and Joseph Biden. I was struck by America, as I would consider the narrator for this argument...America, honored and practically worshipped a Donald Trump. He could do no wrong. His wealth was uber seductive. Then you see that Joseph Biden deeply admired John F Kennedy and hos achilles heel is his desire to emulate those he has admored who have had wealth and power. Is Wealth the problem? Is power? Is wealth YOU? Without money are you really living?

What to make of it all

I have spend many nights last year and this one, coming to terms with death. It has been terrifying to lay above my sheets and think about when that time comes, as my Father and Aunt would have had to do. I consider the gentle creeping up of a death sentance lying over their idea of themself and settling into their crevace. Did it ooze among their bones and arteries?Did it mellow into their soft organs? Did it talk to their body of the foreboding to come? There is no language for it, just an instinct of a trepidation. That is how I imagined it. Then what of that illness as it becomes intrenched within you and those around you are either pretending or so threatened by the fear of it that they too become struck dumb to speak of it! You are in limbo between wanting it to end and wanting it to stay because DEATH seems terrifying, and you realise that it is now your turn. It is your turn and you are terrified. But guess what? You may linger in this limbo, or you may leave very soon. Facing so much death, I have also taken my mind even further. I wonder about the crossing over part. You are told not to be afraid. You are told that you are enveloped in a warm, positive light and you will meet your caring family on the other side. I ask the question, suppose that that is only a placibo? You do feel all of that, and when your family on Earth accept it, and they bury you or cremate you, that placibo falls away and now you end up as you began...no consciousness, no awareness of self. You are DEAD. You do not exist any more. Till death do us part and pray for us at the hour of our death...not after the hour, AT the hour and, obtain for them eternal rest. Eternal rest suggests absolute sleep. That is all we know. We say SLEEP. We do not say eternal joy or eternal transposition. I would lie down in my bed and I would imagine what would happen when It would be my turn to get that visitor. That inevitable visitor?

some interesting anecdotes

When things do not go well at work it is always cause for questioning competence. Even when it isn't you that it is happening to. In my case this week, the words of the Secretary has kept in my thoughts. Over the decade I have found that I have had to deal with contract mistakes and payment mistakes and a variety of issues that have kept me running around to have things corrected. I have also made a few myself. None of it has ever been simple. The Secretary this year mentioned me in a way that suggested that there is some relationship between me and the 'issues' I have faced. In other words, somehow my energy causes confusion. I have said this about others in observation. Now I was being confronted with it and I wanted to take a good look at that as a reality or as an energy that I can change. I of course do not like the fact that I can be perceived that way and on the other hand, I find the whole thing petty and not really worthy of too much concern. But, clearly because I am writing this here, I am concerned about how I am perceived. Nobody cares when you are doing your job well. If they can find a chink in your armour...well then...pounce they do pounce.Or that is my internal monologue considering that that is the case. The reality is more along the lines of everyone doing what they can to not appear incompetant and looking for scapegoats. It is not personal. I am glad that I decided to write this down here and look at it. Sometimes you really feel that you are being targetted.

When you focus only on solving problems and your mind goes to them every single moment, it is hard to realise that there is so much beauty and joy in the world. The eye does try to remind you, as you walk with your sorrow and grief, doubt and fears. You glimpse the lush greenery and the birds as they fly by. But your stuck in your slump, so they give only tiny glimmers of hope. However, over time, it becomes like charging a battery. Somehow and somewhere the light filters out and you have moments of reprieve. This can go on and on for ages and ages. You really need more. You need books, and friends and family and support to help yourself through dark times. You also most of all need to know that dark times don't last forever and you will come out of it stronger, more resolved and yes, possibly happier. You are creating the onion skin of your life. From the last time that I wrote. I have had so many lovely things happen. I am so happy that I cannot contain how happy I feel. I want to bask in it and feel it down to my toes and I want it to stay forever. To keep referring to what makes me smile and laugh and lightens my step feels so very good. My mind wants to plan and think good thoughts and when bad ones come, I stop them and light them up with my positive sprinkling of happy glitter. I savour these moments. I guide myself to consider more that I want to do and ways to keep feeling this way. There is nothing like this feeling. I am so grateful to feel this way right now.

My friends who were here for nine months because they got stuck when covid-19 happened. left day before yesterday for their home in New York. She has been writing me some delightful observations of her experiences now that she is back. She and her husband got in around the time that the presidential debates started. But they could not see it because their television cable was obviously off. The house felt damp and dusty at the same time. Getting back to their old life after leaving it to go on holiday with no plans to have been gone as long as they have had to be, has been the weirdest feeling. Getting right into cleaning became the obvious first step to an attempt at normalcy. She has a list of thirty five things she wants now that she is back home and I think that three=quarters of the list is food related. Lol. My friends have never been away anywhere for the length of time, and they have never been in my country for such a long period. Their being here was interesting for me to see my country through their eyes as well. If they could have stayed longer they would have. But they had to confront going home and dealing with their real lives.