Say whaaaaat

The exhaustion is still very much with me. Having completed the symposium and exhibition has been an elation an excitement for sure. DaDa+Projects pulled off a gigantic project that was audacious in scope and so good! So very good! What an experience. I really need to write with greater detail about the experience. This year there has been so much momentum.I have literally gone this way...exhibition preporation and making - book designing - symposium and exhibition reseraching, drawing concepts and gathering information and implementing - second and third exhibition making - teaching three courses including one I have never taught before. It has been a constant rhythm of work and churning out ideas and writing. I did not include writing. Yesterday I must add with all of this, I listen to a show on You-Tube called Kinetic Symphony, where the narrator states what will make him happy in his life. You can get the most profound information from the most unexpected places. This happened. He made me want to ask myself the same question. What does a happy life for me look like? I am quick to recall past joys to answer future joy. But I shall do my best to answer without trying to control the answer to control what I want to say to be right about it. Knowing that I can plan my life comfortably. I have a lot. I have loving family, I have the Art career. I need a place to make my work now. A large space and I need a small team. Joy will be having the wherewithall to know that all that I do do now is cpmpensated for with the money to do more. I am letting my concerns color my joy. I should be writing without the word BUT. The but is very real and hampering me at the moment because for the last few months I have been working unsalaried, despite all of my efforts, money has been non existant. I have been fighting and drowning and scratching and clawing my way to makining it through every five days and then to the weekends. I have exploited all of my resources to be able to go forward and it has been scary, bewildering...because I have given everything to all the work that I do. Yet, the reciprocation of paying me has been deflating!I don't know what to think? I am just exhausted! When I have received one of my payments, it came three weeks late with no explanation. Then I did a freelance job and the person just hasn't paid me. They are a friend of the family, know me forever, and they just stole from me! I told them the cost, I reminded them about the payment and they just didn't pay me. Then in my other job, I was lobbied, hard, to come in and rescue them from losing a course. I was lobbied! Then, I only got the contract for all of that teaching three weeks ago! After nine weeks of teaching! Then, on Friday, I finally think I can breath out about my salary only to see that I didn;t get paid AGAIN! no reason for it! No excuses given, no apology for it! I have been here too many times. I am just exhausted! I am fed up of thinking that it is me. I am the problem. There is something that I am just not doing? When I am doing at least four things to try to find a way to make consistant money from one so that while I wait for the other to pan out, I can keep floating. I am not the only person this is happening to. I write so that I can tell myself this. I know I am not alone despite the way it makes me feel. I am just bewildered about how to go forward right now. I don;t know my next steps. So I just have to sit and accept that I don't know. I just don't.