a little bit of this, a little bit of that

A few days ago I thought that I would have completely lost my shit. This year is an extention of 2024 where I had a major situation, a project go all pear shaped. It shifted my views about how I do business and I could not get my head around how badly things turned. Yet, it also gave me so much because of the uniqueness of it.Then, I think I mentioned before a situation that I saw a friend have with another friend of mine where they had some terrible cuss outs! I was stunned! Then, I was even more amazed at how they came back together and there was so much love. I earned from that too. I saw that ugliness can be the manure to make a beautiful garden. This year, another big spotlight mmessage comes my way. It is so funny too because it really is about all of the messaging and storytelling that comes from impressions made from landing in the job that I am in. I think that there is a running narrative about those people you engage with. You come in in the middle of the movie and you start assuming and peicing things together and before you know it,you are making up a whole story about what you think is going on. But guess what? Even if you are absolutely right, what difference does it make sometime?With this last experience what happened didn't really come from like working directly or observing from the sidelines. This was more a presentation where what I was doing that was perfectly appropriate rubbed two people the wrong way. I got a chance to discuss it at that moment, but what I saw was an unravelling of my belief structure where they were concerned. I had assumed for so long that they were so much more and now I know that they know even less, understand so much less in a staggering way. Waw! It was just a testimony for me to realise that we are all just doing our best...don't be an asshole.

trying something on

With certain expectations that do not pan out, the spiral you can go down can make you think that it is a place of residence, not a place of reference as the quote goes.

I can change my mind

In order to change your life you have to admit that whatever you were preparing yourself for would come with the challenges of the vision. Then sometimes, even with being able to shoulder the load of the difficult moments - it must be asked,why was it chosen for real?Those moments, what else do you know while having that focus? or making the compromises that shift you away for what you thought was a moment, but then years stack up. You get back on that track, you think, and then you begin to age out. Or you lose the compas, either way, something gets lost or hollow. Or, as I am thinking is happening now...I am being more objective and not doing it by thinking some fantasy plot. No plot at all, only the idea of something with more purpose. So, the vision may have remained the same, but the way to it doesn't have to be paved with old, tired ideas.

what's going on

There is a certain degree of lethargy and shock going on inmy island right now. I write in so many other places, and I write here to sort of leisurely work out something that I am thinking about. But of late, so much insanity has been going on ih the world internationally and for us locally. I do my best to stay focused on what Iwant to be doing, and I am pretty good at that, but still...gosh! I don't think that I have actually been on this site for the year where I don't feel hurried or otherwise distracted. But nonetheless, I wanted to do something today.

The World is up in smoke

The issues going on in the world right now is so absolutely insane! My daughter asked me whether this is the world that she should expect from now on? I had to reach to my own feelings at her age when I was terrified that atomic bombs would destroy the entire planet. So I hugged my girl and told her to put one foot in front of the other and trust that whatever is without is not within.

A few days ago I was looking for something in the garage. I have a large amount of plastic containers and bags of books and materials there. This time as I looked for one book in particular, I realised that spending time without much time to deal with the things that I have - I saw that despite the way that things look to me when I open the door to the garage, or I move things around...I think that in the next few weeks to months ahead, I may be able to handle my stuff. I visited my neighbor during the carnival season and sat in her oversized upholstered chair and find it ideal for my embroidery work. However, I am also looking for a space on the patio or near to the patio (because of the natural light) to work. But I am writing all of this down because I find that my whole tone and consideration at this time for where and what I am doing, truly feels much more assured and moreso, I feel very happy about everything.

...and this is the plan

Some little details are occupying my thoughts of late. I want to be able to do more work every day. Last year I really missed doing my embroidery and I now realise that I have to create a working space. Until I actually can create one, I have to make one up. Just as with my exercising, a day to day, incremental situation, the same is needed for my disciple.I just know it. A space where I can nestle into the work and to reach out for the materials that I need. What it brings with it is a feeling of anticipation and readiness for what I know I have to do.

Different

I spent alot of time last year in a stillness exploring my experiences as they happened and after. Not in the usual way of taking it personaly and wondering what I could have done differently. I did something a bit more. I asked what was I feeling? What was this about in a curious way. I would also write that 2025 was the year that I became better friends with myself. All of my morning walks giving me time to freely think without distraction has been delightful. But also, when I am out and about and thinking abouta problem, I hear my advise to me and its gentleness and support. I am deeply grateful for this. I had stresses and many moments where I wondered how to move forward. Yet, again, my processes kicked in and I was able to do whatever I needed to do. I closed off December in a new place.

...yes, and also

Creating something from nothing has been my greatest love as a creative person. However over the years, this field not being a straight line has provided a balance that many times has felt more uneven and stacked against me than not. When a consistant salary is not forthcoming, the hit to my mental and physical wellbeing quickly eroded. What magnified this was the solitary nature of the work. When I do not see or reach out to anyone who is successful or supportive in the field itself, or I do not see how to get ahead, I have felt as though I was literally spinning a top in thick, wet mud. I was certainly going nowhere. Three times this year I hit a wall and wondered how to go on. I had to face whether after my entire life, should I just call it a day. Confronting what I want as opposed to what I am doing was important. For me, as a Lecturer, I quickly and enthusiastically tell other people to keep believing in themselves. Get support, look out for opportunities and make them when nothing seems to be working. So what about myself? How come I can find the energy for others? So I really hear myself and befriended myself anew and am looking out for my wellbeing. I feel so much better. Little tweaks here and there, a little mindfulness, a little rest, a little moment to remember where I was and what my deeper goals are...that has been everything. Thank you.

Tobago Christmas

We are doing something different for Christmas and I have two immediate projects that I am thrilled about and have begun. So yey for me! What have I learned from this year -: so very much,indeed. 1.STAND MY GROUND quietly. Be stedfast. 2.KEEP FOCUSED even when on a rollercoaster. 3. Be ready to PIVOT while FOCUSED...I am finding the way. 4. ASK for help and get it. 5. WORK ON self care all the time and focus on positive energy. 6. REST. REST. REST STOP OVEREXTENDING! 7. TAKING THAT MOMENT to consider is sooooooo special. ANything that jumps out and feels discombobulating....there is no need to react. Take a moment to feel everything the situaion is calling up inside my mind and body. NAME what I feel before I act. 8. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE...send out LOVE all the time...send out BESS VIBES!

What an experience 2026 was. It felt topsy turvy for many, many moments. I felt that I was also watching on, and we on my island continue to watch with perpexity at some decisions being made by our government. Sheesh! however, just as I discussed with the Stonybrook students the quote about the Vendor selling hotdogs, I take that story and focus on the best part of it. the part that discusses doing what you do and keeping your focus despite how some people view the outcome in society itself. Not everyone is going through the same thing. In fact, there is always someone benefittting from what appears as chaos. My daughter asked me about the term 'learned helplessness' and right away we sat down and spoke about it having some impact in both of our lives at one point. To find oneself getting older, making certain decisions and yet not feeling like you have made an impact, or had no real say...that feeling must be analysed. In an A.I driven world where we are gradually being placed in situations where reality itself is being manipulated for further capitalist colonial thinking and doing...what can one say or do but be mindful to protect what is ours...mainly, our own thinking and critical analysis. So much more shall be written. But we are now here.

It's been awhile

So much has happened and I have neglected this page.When I returned from New York after a very hectic time. The best part of it was travelling with my daughter. Also,as travel does, it provided me with fresh perspective. Things that I would not have experienced and thoughts that insued because of it has been such a boon to me. As the year draws to a close, I feel lighter and happier, excited and thensome. I am filled with gratitude after so much tumult. From my sister feeling that I had deliberately not spent any time with her, although I went out of my way to do so by arriving two days earlier than my planned location for most of our stay in New York. I rally felt stretched beyond capacity with so much of what happened, from a cashless campus and my per diem ending up being part of my payment after I got back home - to scraping the bottom of my financial barrel to do the simplest things. Fortunately I was able to quiet myself and do my best to not run off the rails and when I did, it was privately and for short bursts that made it necessary to vent. Sheesh! But also, there was so much beauty to observe. I saw a Blue Jay one day and marvelled at its color. The gardens were a constant delight and many of the buildings and experiences are special memories. I have to state that during the worst times there are moments that can transcend the ick.

rainy, rainy Tuesday

The weather yet again is dramatic on the one evening when I have a class. The opportunity to also do this online is more glaring than ever! Anyway, I am fortunately at home and actually typing from my bed and half under my quilt. That can be called luxuriating. So there. It is September and when I think about all that I did so far, I feel a bit dizzy. I have not been satisfied by any means about what I have found myself doing, but I am amazed at all of the efforts. Moving on on now, I am determined to get the things I set out to do for myself accomplished in the next few months ahead and into next year.

Looking up

The whole visa thing is still in play, but things are getting better. I have learned a lot from the experience. For one thing I was put in a position where I just could not stay in frustration.I had to find other things to focus on because I was feeling really overwhelmed and it seemed as though I was just wallowing in the worst feelings. When I did that, not only was I less oppressed, but I saw how quickly the shift helped me be more productive. I appreciate that.I had a moment where just as one would experience rain falling on only half of a place, that is closest to what it seemed to be. I may not always be able to shift quickly, but I think that that I shall be able to do it, and I believe also that that is what Buddhists and meditation and spirituality is all about.

and so it is

Yet again, the whole visa thing is so head shaking. A few years ago my mother got a gift of a salmon colored salt lamp. They were all the rage. At one point I did not know anyone who did not have one. This lamp was placed where my fathers ashes now stand. Its a little nook that is quite attractive. There is a small drawer and we put our passports there.Well, at that time, who would think that the salt lamp would melt slowly and seep into the drawer and my passport would be collateral damage. I travelled with my salty passport, but now that I need a new US visa,my passport is considered unfit for use. I had no idea that that was the case when I had my interview at the embassy. But a few days later I get an email telling me that very thing. I then check online to see the wait time to getting a new passport. I have to make an appointment to do so. I get all sorts of challenge again to make this appointment only to finally see that the next open time to apply for my passport is in November 2025!YES! NOVEMBER! What the hell! No way! I am supposed to travel to New York in late September. When things like this happen, what can I do but surrender. I have been trying to get my US visa since the 28th of March! Every possible online quagmire that could happen has happened.

No Independence Day Parade in an SOE

The island is very disappointed.

the event horizon

So much is going on, so much. The first thing is that my daughter got her eight o'levels. She is so releaved and I am so happy for her. Particularly as she went through so much. What a hectic year and a half she has dealt with and we have gone through together.I am very proud of her perseverence through all things. I am also moving in new directions, and I am doing so with the gusto of excitment that comes with it. Of course in moving in a certain way, there is sometimes a bit of lament about what was. However,I think that that is to be expected.

Post Emancipation

Frustration abounds with getting my US Visa. But to write about it here shall do no good.I prefer to write about other things instead. Now that Emancipation, now called Black Emancipation Day, I realise that criticising the way that the celebration is handled is pointless. I have an opportunity to do some work on it. All of this goes back to my deciding so many years ago about using our cultural calendar as an opportunity to jog ideas and concepts. This keeps going around in circles. Whenever that happens, it is pretty clear that I am on that pathway.

some lovely thoughts

I was blessed this morning with my projects all coming to the fore and working out. I took the opportunity to feel myself holding the objects and my wanting to travel along like I was floating above myself, to see more. I think that this has to do with gifting my daughter with the newest Minecraft for her DS. I have been enjoying watching her play and I am recently flirting with what media can do today.

the slate

There is always the feeling that if only you could have a moment to think things out, to see the world without the hustle, bustle, societal pressures and financial needs...you might be able to manage and make sense of it all. But somehow in your life, you always have a heavy feeling of not being able to stop. Yet, if you give yourself the stop. You just STOP. you STOP and you take that moment, the clarity comes upon you. You can stop and do absolutely nothing. Onserve your space or lack of space that you take up in the world. Your contribution to the pollution on all fronts...your sense of urgency no longer being about speed ...you want meaning.