A dose of cold water WAKE-UP

I was thinking about my ex, and as I stated yesterday, I was feeling down. But in the light of day, with a little sleep, I can see things a bit differently.
If my relationship was good, then I would not be talking about him as an ex. We would have been able to work out whatever it was that was conflicting to us. He would have viewed the situation that he felt was intenable from a place of sharing issues with his partner. instead he behaved like a dictator and still does.
If everything was so rosy, then we would have had the mechanisms in place to support whatever we planned, even if we had divergent views, which we did. He would not have tried to use low tactics and lies to get what he wanted in the divorce and he would not be still trying to get me upset at every turn.
Today, my sober reaction is where I should be right now. But I know that because I was with him for all of my adult life, I will fall back from time to time.

Will poor me ever leave me in peace?

Today I had a moment of great unhappiness with my ex-husband. I was hoping that he was making the decision to go, as he said. But it turned out that he is only going away for a week. I filled my thoughts with his laughing face and some pretty girl. But really, whether that is true or not, he still manages to upset me.
My friends say that I must ignore him at all cost, as he is deliberately trying to upset me.
When we were married, I would ask him, why was it that he found being nasty so easy and nice, so difficult? Why can't I just let him go?

answer:
He has been the only man whom you have been with for over twenty years, clearly it is not easy to just adjust to such a big seperation.

Also remember that every time you interact with him, he interacts with you in the same engagement of wills.
He asked me to email him, then he didn't respond and when I spoke to him about it, he tells me that his lawyer shall contact me.
He's being a dick, basically.

Tonight I just decided that I really have to consciously let it go. Much like the control I wanted to have over my pregnancy, and many other things in my life. I have to let what I would like to see here, go.
I cannot seem to have any level of hope on this matter.
What I must do though, is to be very clear about what I must do for my daughter and I, and that is starting to happen.

I just have to walk on.

Focus ONLY on what you want~

We decide to be friends. We call each other, and we care about what the other is doing. We discuss our child and come to decisions easily. Our relationship is so much better that we can laugh at things and discuss things that concern us without weighing every little thing said.

Now that he has admitted to me that he shall be leaving, I found myself speaking to him from a position of power. This of course comes from the fact that I shall have our daughter all the time, and he shall not. He has not spoken to me about any of his plans, now that the decision is final, and I realised today that he is not as confident as he appears. He seemed tired and resigned. But he is just so committed to being the heavy, that he cannot seem to be anything else.
I understand what he is going through because I felt that way for so long myself. I could not get past being upset with him. To me, my feelings are still justified, but in this instant, there are no winners, just bad feelings all around.

New Job

I started a new job yesterday. I am extremely fortunate. I get to go out to work once a week to keep my hand in teaching and I get to spend the rest of time with my child. I cannot complain.
There is a great deal to be done at the school, and I can see several ways that I can make a positive impact.

One of the things that is good about this move is that it has energised my other projects considerably. I now feel a greater need to see my other obligations through, and to really find the best way to get the things that I need to get done, done.

Always something to contemplate

Yesterday an old friend dropped by and I was struck by my feelings towards something she said. I checked myself and realized that I felt that way because I feel stuck in one place. It is funny, how you could be doing many things, and feel very good about it, and then someone else can be the barometre for you to check yourself. So today I took the opportunity to feel the way I would really like to feel.
I know the answer isn't to get into some high paced, energy draining job. My job is my Art. What I need to do, is to start seeing some financial success for what I create.

new joys

In a few hours I would have sent work off to be exhibited and I would have exhibited another body of work, with sketches for a third show. I am in my element, doing the work that I want to do. But most exciting of all, I am making things that I want to see, and I am doing the work that I want to be doing.
This new technique is alot more dexterous, and there is a great deal of concentration on form. I am looking forward to adding more sturdy materials to the repertoire that I am presently working with, and to include artisans in what I am doing.
For the first time, I can see a straight thread through all that I am doing, and I feel a real buzz about it. In a way that I have not quite felt before. I always love my work, but this time, I see my ideas stretching into the horizon without any completely defined form, yet, clearly focused on expanding what I am creating now, and I love how that feels.
The energy that I have been wondering how to dispel, is finally being channeled as it should. I should have been writing about it here actually, but I did so offline. I had been having real issues with the occasional missing of sexual love in my life, and wondering how to handle it. When a relationship comes to an end, or at least my relationship, I have not been able to turn off my own feelings. Naturally I have my pride and my ego is bruised, so I keep everything bottled in and to myself. But I would be lying if I said that I did not miss intimacy.
I have been through so much for me, and I am learning every day, a bit about myself, my needs, my decision making, my hopes. It has been interesting to watch my own growth along with my little sweetheart.I am so happy to have her in my life. She brings me out of myself, and as a Cancer, it seems that that whole sheltered crab thing is true.
Again, I am happy to be finding my feet and to creating. I have never stopped, but now, I am more excited than ever to work on what I love.