About myself

My year is off to a robust start, from having to nip an attempt to sabotage my job, by an alledged superior to the sudden end of communication with an intended interest. I cannot say that I am bored.
With all the hullaballoo, I have felt myself feeling highs and occassional lows. I have sometimes concluded that the lows, though few, seem to engaging, and I too sensitive. But in the end, I have always felt growth.

I am faced with new ways of handling the things that come my way, and the things that I want for myself and my child are not unattainable. We all want to feel secure and to know that our work is rewarding. Of course I want to leave a legacy that I am proud of, and I want to look back on my life as a spectrum of fabulous colours that invigorated my soul with so much to be thankful for.

Going forward alone does have its challenges, but also, I feel so good about myself, and I impart my positivity to others as well.

Some of the things that I have experienced in the last month are annoying and have made some setbacks, but, again, I decided to look at the advantage to these issues instead of harping for any length of time on the downer they have been.
But I am only human, and I will feel knocked about by things. But I will stand up and continue to do what I need to do.

yucky to yummy feelings

What a tumult of emotion went through me today. I started the day feeling so chipper and positive and then ended up being combative with a dear friend of mine. I am so glad that I now understand the energy of things enough to know that it is never about the thing at hand, but about the underlying 'thing at hand' that must be looked at.

Naturally I did not want to look at anything because I was venting my spleen, feeling so deeply frustrated about everything, whether I still had a job, how was I going to make money? What about all of the niggling things that seemed to be pervading my life at this precise moment...everything good seemed to vanish and a mess was what I found myself staring at.

It was then that I realised that under all of my combayah stories that I wake up and tell myself every day, there was a knot of pain that I clearly had not unraveled.
I had to get to it.
What would I find there? What would it be?

At one point I just started to say aloud all the things that I want to see in my life now.
It felt a bit strange to just put them out there in the open and to sort of swim in the sound, but I did it.

I didn't feel miles better, but I felt that it was important to vent what was hidden down inside.

I have to stop repressing what I feel. It comes out anyway in the end.

I want to feel that my life is going well for me, that I am making strides in my life and that there are things that I am developing that are yielding positive results.

I now also find that love in my life is important to me too. Not in a dependent way, that has never been my style. But more of a mutual joy and sharing that belongs to the adult me.
My little one provides deep joy, but I have to share her, and she is not my possession after all, neither would a man be to me, a possession. I am talking about the things that are special, the planning, the letters, the anticipation that is built through getting to know the other and liking that process...my work is going well, and I am very happy about that. I am also a bit scared because it looks so different and off the beaten track...which is me anyway.

A friend said it best this afternoon to me, he said, hey, your feelings tell me that you are healthy.
Now that is worthwhile.

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt
and dance like no body's looking

~

I found that quote on a blog and had to post it here. It is so cute, and so true. As I was writing, I felt a very strong earthquake. We do not normally feel them on this side of the island, so i can just imagine the reaction of many people. Particularly as yesterday it rained almost all day.

The Christmas season is bringing out a lot of thoughts about the year and about making peace with myself and others.

It is a time for reflection, and for making plans. It is really wonderful to be able to do any of that.
My friend is better, her son is here and his wife shall be coming in a few days, so they shall have a little romantic time.

I feel optimistic about my work and my plans, and I feel really good about things for myself and for those I love and know.

A few days ago I saw an image of myself on a student's cd. I looked bloated in the stomach, and I was alarmed at my silhouette. But the oddest thing happened. I was surprised, and then I instantly realized that I had to give thanks for even thinking of myself from the point of aesthetic beauty. i am fine, I live, I breathe, I impart information. Yes, I need to cut back on fructose and bread. But I am fine. I have nothing to be upset about. So what if I look less than my sexy best!
I thought of Britney Spears in front of the whole world being ripped to shreds on her body this year.
The perspective came home to me quickly.
I know what I can do to look my best, and it isn't difficult to do.

I think that what is helpful is the feeling better about myself and cultivating positivity in myself and feeling it from others that can guide you.

All is well.

"When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly."
-Edward Teller

~

That is so beautiful. I have been meaning to post it.
last night I had a good lime with some old friends and I was able to talk about the latest news about me. When I visit this particular friend, I realise just how far I have come in such a short space of time. Particularly when she asks me certain things that I recall as vexing, but can discuss with aplomb.
Not that the composure is one of steely superiority.
On the contrary, it is something better. What I see is the progression and even more, the trajectory forward for myself.

~

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
~

My friend had another friend, someone I do not know, visit her. This person had gone through a divorce when her girls were seven and three. She had alot to tell me. What was very good was that she was not speaking from a place of victimhood. She has been able to be financially independent of her ex ever since they divorced.
It was good talking with her, and we all plan to meet before the end of the year for another get together.

~

"Smiling is very important. If we are not able to smile, then the world will not have peace. It is not by going out for a demonstration against nuclear missiles that we can bring about peace. It is with our capacity of smiling, breathing, and being peace that we can make peace.” Thich Nhat Hahn.

~

When your smiling the whole world does smile with you

Having been closed off from intimacy for so long, now that I am being impacted with it in writing by an interest so far away, I feel an opening up for myself.
I have a private smile, a bouncier step. There is something to be said for joy. This brings me a pleasure that is unexpected, and such a buzz. I find that thinking on this has done so much for me in the last few weeks. It has helped tremendously to take my mind away from the trivial nonsense of the day and the absurdity of my ex.
Where this shall lead I do not know. All I can say or know is that it feels wonderful to smile and have a private knowing.

my ZEN week

My life feels like I am getting into areas that are uncharted for me. I had a serious moment of reflection about everything that I am doing for a living. This has now expanded to the meeting that I had today.
There seems not to be anything that isn't forcing me to look at things differently.
I have had a year to see what isn't working, and now I need to experience better and better.

He sent me this...

It is again midnight here...

what do i do with it, all hanging loose.

as if a tumultuous void...
awaiting the storm.

the mind runs loose and
there are no destinations.

the waiting lingers...
and so does the unending night.

if the poet was born this day,
it was certainly not the most auspicious time.