Yesterday, my mother woke me to tell me that my aunt's house was being robbed, but that police had surrounded the house and apprehended the suspects. This morning my mother woke me again, but this time to say that the house that I grew up in, and that every succeeding generation has enjoyed, has been gutted by fire.
Again, my aunt was with us last night.
We have had heavy feelings for several days, wondering what was going on. Now we are all stunned at the rapid extent of the circumstances.
My aunt is the glue of our family. She is the one who has taken care of everyone. She is the one with a kind word,her last savings being spent on you for some frivolity you want. She is the one who says the prayers and tells you not to worry.
The whole neighbourhood knows her and loves her because she is generous to everyone. No one passes her house unhelped.
When something like this happens in your family, it feels like a very personal attack.
But the truth is, nothing could justify this situation happening to her. Nothing at all.
At this time, faith feels tested, life seems wicked, but we must turn from dramatic thoughts and look towards rebuilding, look towards better for all of us. We have not lost our family. We are pulling together. We know what matters.
My parents have the room to have her stay with us. We have already begun to rebuild.

Maybe he's just not that into you

I just saw the movie and it was great. I needed to just wind down and look at something this weekend, after working all week on my project. I can see the progress, but I have quite a ways to go.
I am loving the work though. The movie was a big help to me. Of late I have felt quite sentimental, and I have been observing it with suspicion, trying to gauge why I should feel this way now. The movie helped jog me to the position that my ego, although I think that it is usually more sedated, when alert, it can cause havoc.
I have looked at all of the people whom I have found interesting, and now see that
they were just not into me. I can actually laugh about it, as the truth is that in the moment the feeling was great, whether what was shared was a laugh or more vulnerable feelings. The moment was special and that was all it was, a special, shared moment. To take it to another level, to believe that there was some sort of possibility behind anything was just pathetic. You believe what you want to believe.
So now, I must just 'get over' whatever I think anything is,I must start afresh, because no one has made me feel that they are into me at all. The signs are very much there that I have no one in my life who is interested in me romantically.
My dance card is empty.

Yes

As I have been working every day since last week, and I must say, at last, on my show...I have been looking at a great deal of dvd movies. They help defuse the subject matter. The last time that I worked all out on this body of work, I soon grew depressed very quickly and had to find other things to work on.
So, I came across the movie, Yes, with Jim Carrey and liked it.
I like the idea of saying 'yes' to life.
What is nice about this hokey movie is that you find it relating to your own life.
What would happen if you just embraced what you really are?
How would it feel? What would you do?
I instantly came up with some thoughts right off the bat, and I shall write them here.
"YES"
1. Create my own comic book.
2. Start a site like Naomi Nowak's.
3. Publish books that I write and draw.
4. Travel everywhere! Starting with India,Japan,Mauritius,Australia,Indonesia,
Italy, Belgium,Spain,Portugal,Argentina.(to name a few places)
5. Fall in love.
6. Have a house that overlooks the ocean or at least stay in a gorgeous hotel that has an infinity pool.
7. Go to dinner once in awhile with people I love.
8. Swim naked at night.
9. Have an outdoor meal at the beach at night.
10.Sleep in a hammock with someone I love.

With great shame I must call myself out this early morning, 2:18am. I miss my ex-husband! God, I sqirmed writing that. It felt really crawly to admit. I think it may be because he has our little one this weekend. I am trying to figure out why I feel this way? What is it that I think I miss? I know right away the things that I certainly do not miss.
Perhaps it is the idea of family that I actually yearn for again.
I think that that is actually it.
I do not like the fragmenting that has gone on because of divorce.I know that I do not miss the hurt, the dislike, the unkindness that met me at the end.
I do not miss the meanness, the loneliness and the anger either.
Getting out of that relationship was a good thing to do. I could not have continued under those circumstances.
What I miss, and what time has done, is gloss over the bad and kept the good, and I am naturally responsive to that.
That is all.
What I miss is the best of what a relationship can bring.

Larry King had a number of people on his show a few nights ago for a panel discussion. The group brought up a number of salient points that I want to record here.
Bringing love, that energy of love if you will into any situation you can, whether you're right or wrong doesn't matter. But it's using that energy of love.
2. They are a higher frequency. And what you give out, that energy you give out, you will get that back.
It's almost like, think of it as creating a portrait, a picture, OK? Painting. And you're creating that painting with your actions, with your thoughts, with your words
3. All choices are based on two things, either love or fear. That's all there is.
4. I think we materialize our thoughts. I think right now we are exactly what we thought about before.
5. About guilt - Overcome it? Through observation, through not allowing the guilt, the shame, the blame to run you. You become aware when it's there. You bust it. You identify it. And then you place your attention on living a more inspired life. People that are guilty are living in the past.
6. You have to have the courage to look inside yourself and really look at yourself, who you are as a spiritual being, have to look (ph) at experience and what lessons are you learning this time around? What's it going to teach you? Are you going to learn from the lesson or are you just not going to learn? It's wonderful opportunities every single day.
The biggest thing is to fall in love with yourself. You know? If you're not on your side, nobody is going to be on your side. Life is a gift. Death isn't a gift
7. We create our experience of reality. Most people don't experience reality, they experience their thoughts about reality. That which is real is eternal, it's forever. It's never been born, it will never die so the thoughts act as a filter and we end up experiencing that filter and we think it's real so people as J.Z. was saying, they project their fear onto a future.
8. What produced the chemistry inside of me that caused me to feel guilt, that caused me to feel happiness, that caused me to feel sadness and fear, what caused that? Something I was thinking, some reality.
9. What produced the chemistry inside of me that caused me to feel guilt, that caused me to feel happiness, that caused me to feel sadness and fear, what caused that? Something I was thinking, some reality.
10. why, why give up your future by holding on to an incident in your past? Your life should be more important than holding a grudge.
11. Because forgiveness is a process of the heart. The head says, no, no, no. How could I do it? And that's the hardest. That's why unless - I believe that unless you find really the gift, like what could I learn from this? How could I step into my next level of greatness? What could I create? How could I share? How could I make this world a better place because of this event? Then you're free.
12. forgiveness is the dynamic act of self-empowerment. You're not going to allow what someone else did to determine your destiny.
13. Karma can only determine starting points, it can't determine our destiny, however, and so you may have put out a lot of negative energy and you may - it will create a starting point for you but your destiny is determined by the attitudes and also your character.
14. We don't need to experience how someone else is treating us. We only experience how we're treating someone else and how we think about them and what we say about them and when you begin to understand that, you're now empowered.

Another chance

A dear friend of mine has a brain tumor. He wrote me to tell me yesterday, and it really shook me up. You need to ask yourself, what are you doing with the short period of time that you have? This person has children, and a new wife. He now has to confront his mortality, and he is handling it very well.
It made me realize that it is important to live your life every day. Stop complaining about what you don't have. Start being grateful for the day, for friends, for life.
All of this is already known, but the illusion that is life gets in the way and you start acting on auto pilot.
My friend's illness has made me ask myself, what are you doing to create and keep joy in your life every day?
Thank you so much for teaching me something from this situation.

Looking at the turned corner

There is much to be said for personal growth.It comes sometimes, or possibly most times,from some experience that may be traumatic in nature.
My ex-husband returned to the country after giving me only two days notice when he left to immigrate. I expected that he would do what he is presently doing, which is returning and assuming that it is business as usual.
This time I was prepared for any outcome,and I was saddened that this could all have been solved with basic courtesy from him. If he had called at any time, or talked to me in a way that I could see that he understands that joint means working together. It doesn't mean kissy kissy, but it should mean civil behavior on his part. But he is not yet at a place where he can act that way, and so I have had no choice but to act as I have.
What is interesting to me about this latest experience, is that I used to be so afraid to put a foot wrong, and naturally I felt as though I made many mistakes. This was so pervasive that in some ways I gave up my opinions to him in our marriage. I also felt that I had to defer to those older than I,for advice. I realized that I had an authority problem.I did this under the guise of my own confidence,because I was not completely lacking in it,it was just that there were moments when I felt that I did not know something,and,I didn't venture forward.
I stayed in the background assuming that they knew better than I did.
What I observe now is that although I still display worry and sometimes fear in the unknown, I am not letting that stall me. I am not saying to myself that I cannot move because I am afraid of making a mistake.
Instead I am interested to feel the trepidation,as, in a way, it leads me to feeling what this fear is, and in looking at it stone cold, I can dissect it and lay it plain out before me and look beyond its alledged spikes.
Fear,worry, they are there, but they are not looming over me making me unable to move.