new realisations
Today is my birthday. I had a quiet day and lots of people wished me well, and that was nice. But one person did not do anything, and this is the second year that he has done this. It makes it quite clear that things are over. But I still feel sad about it.
When am I going to get over it, as he told me I must? Why do I still care? It has been a long time, and yet, deep inside, I have not been able to lock off my heart. Is this pathetic? Probably, because what do I wish could happen?
There is no suggestion that things will ever be the same again, although I do not want them to be the same again anyway. I would want something much, much better.
Friends say that a new relationship shall negate the old. There is some truth there I am sure. But what of the fact that new relationships are not just falling in my lap.
I am very mindful of not sounding sorry for myself here, because I don't want to feel that way, and I don't think that it is about that either.
I am also listening, to understand exactly what I think I am feeling, or wanting.
Yes, I miss someone whom I have loved for two decades. I just do, and I suppose that I must allow myself to accept that I shall feel this way until I do not feel this way. Even if I may feel this way for the rest of my life...I won't explode for it. I will feel it, and sometimes it may be a dull ache, and other times I may even smile, I gather.It is just what is.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
reflections
The death of Michael Jackson is something that can be learnt from. I know that we have all possibly felt one of three emotions, disbelief, dismay and awareness of the scope of the man's work and reach. For some it may all seem like much to do about nothing. He was not on the charts in the way that he was in the 70's, 80's and 90's. But for most of us in the world, he represented a standard of perfection, that sometimes could not be looked at. I know for me, that his physical transformation bothered the hell out of me. I wondered how much further could he go, and whether he could reverse all of it after a time?
The child molestation cases did not help his image either, and I fought hard to understand whether he was guilty or innocent of those charges. Yet, amidst all of the ambiguity, his talent was unparallelled.
Michael Jackson impacted my life in an unexpected way, as impacts usually do. When his album Thriller came out, I remember being blown away by it. Like everyone else in the world. But what he did for me, was that he made me sit bolt upright and look at the media machine critically for the first time. He made me question the validity of art and he made me question the power of the god image.
It may be hard for some people to grasp the power and extent of this one album. I had never seen anything like it in my life. He had impacted the entire world. Little children and old people knew who he was. People have to understand that this was phenomenal! Then to top it all, he had this dancing style that just cemented the voice.
He had to be stopped.
He had to come down from that euphoria, that pulpit of ultimate power.
Familiar theme here, isn’t it?
It was almost obscene that one person could make such a gigantic impression on the entire planet. People talked about him in superlatives. I know that we see many singers and famous people today who we can say are great, and there is mania for them. But Michael Jackson was the first, the ultimate master of the media.
He did a music video and people raced home to set their VCR's. They sat around the television with their families and were spellbound by him. This was everybody in the family. Mom, Dad, grandma, grandpa and kids all screaming in the same excited way for one black man doing the moonwalk in celluloid.
I keep thinking that discussing him, listening for his music, checking out his dancing on U-tube, reading more and more, is just not healthy. The man is gone. He's out of our lives.
But then I think that someone so colossal, must be mourned. We cannot help but feel what we feel. Michael Jackson changed the world.
He changed the way we see ourselves. He showed us what is possible, so yes, he was god-like in that respect.
The awkwardness of this certainty comes about because it is rare. It is shocking to see that he was mortal. It is upsetting that we can no longer touch him and be moved by something new that he would do.
The mania is real, and we are all complicit in it, and again, he makes me look at the media machine, but this time, what he is telling us is, “feed yourself. Be the media machine. I am gone, and you have it in you, if you just move yourself.”
Shamon….
The child molestation cases did not help his image either, and I fought hard to understand whether he was guilty or innocent of those charges. Yet, amidst all of the ambiguity, his talent was unparallelled.
Michael Jackson impacted my life in an unexpected way, as impacts usually do. When his album Thriller came out, I remember being blown away by it. Like everyone else in the world. But what he did for me, was that he made me sit bolt upright and look at the media machine critically for the first time. He made me question the validity of art and he made me question the power of the god image.
It may be hard for some people to grasp the power and extent of this one album. I had never seen anything like it in my life. He had impacted the entire world. Little children and old people knew who he was. People have to understand that this was phenomenal! Then to top it all, he had this dancing style that just cemented the voice.
He had to be stopped.
He had to come down from that euphoria, that pulpit of ultimate power.
Familiar theme here, isn’t it?
It was almost obscene that one person could make such a gigantic impression on the entire planet. People talked about him in superlatives. I know that we see many singers and famous people today who we can say are great, and there is mania for them. But Michael Jackson was the first, the ultimate master of the media.
He did a music video and people raced home to set their VCR's. They sat around the television with their families and were spellbound by him. This was everybody in the family. Mom, Dad, grandma, grandpa and kids all screaming in the same excited way for one black man doing the moonwalk in celluloid.
I keep thinking that discussing him, listening for his music, checking out his dancing on U-tube, reading more and more, is just not healthy. The man is gone. He's out of our lives.
But then I think that someone so colossal, must be mourned. We cannot help but feel what we feel. Michael Jackson changed the world.
He changed the way we see ourselves. He showed us what is possible, so yes, he was god-like in that respect.
The awkwardness of this certainty comes about because it is rare. It is shocking to see that he was mortal. It is upsetting that we can no longer touch him and be moved by something new that he would do.
The mania is real, and we are all complicit in it, and again, he makes me look at the media machine, but this time, what he is telling us is, “feed yourself. Be the media machine. I am gone, and you have it in you, if you just move yourself.”
Shamon….
Thursday, June 25, 2009
new thoughts on old things
When the documentary "The Secret' came out, I got it on DVD and I looked at it a few times. I eventually made notes of the most important things said, and did my best to take it to heart.
But of course there is nothing like life to knock your carefully planned thoughts into both overdrive and doubt.
With all that has been going on, I took a moment today to ask myself, where is everything that is going on forcing me to focus? The answer was quite simple and clear, the worse things feel and get, the more the focus on them becomes apparent. Even the most well intentioned person may not be able to look past the reality of the negative when it feels so very painful. It is made worse when I look at my aunt, a strong, lovely person, who has just lost her house, through no fault of her own.
She wonders what lesson she must learn now? Why has this happened and when, if ever, will she ever feel safe again! Just looking at her go through that, breaks my heart. I can only look on. There is only so much that I can say or do to make her feel better. I cannot make her feel better. I can only try to be there for her.
It is within all of this that the decision to think in a counter measure came to mind. I must focus on what is better, how to be and do better. The answer was confirmed by my little one who helped with this,as yesterday, amidst arguing about some petty issue, she sat in her tub and enjoyed her bubble bath.
A reminder to what really matters.
I hugged her and thanked her for reminding me. She does it all the time, and I love her for it.
When the documentary "The Secret' came out, I got it on DVD and I looked at it a few times. I eventually made notes of the most important things said, and did my best to take it to heart.
But of course there is nothing like life to knock your carefully planned thoughts into both overdrive and doubt.
With all that has been going on, I took a moment today to ask myself, where is everything that is going on forcing me to focus? The answer was quite simple and clear, the worse things feel and get, the more the focus on them becomes apparent. Even the most well intentioned person may not be able to look past the reality of the negative when it feels so very painful. It is made worse when I look at my aunt, a strong, lovely person, who has just lost her house, through no fault of her own.
She wonders what lesson she must learn now? Why has this happened and when, if ever, will she ever feel safe again! Just looking at her go through that, breaks my heart. I can only look on. There is only so much that I can say or do to make her feel better. I cannot make her feel better. I can only try to be there for her.
It is within all of this that the decision to think in a counter measure came to mind. I must focus on what is better, how to be and do better. The answer was confirmed by my little one who helped with this,as yesterday, amidst arguing about some petty issue, she sat in her tub and enjoyed her bubble bath.
A reminder to what really matters.
I hugged her and thanked her for reminding me. She does it all the time, and I love her for it.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
stresses and strains
A few days ago I literally blew up at my closest friend. He was trying to cheer me up, but what he was saying had the opposite effect. When we hung up from Yahoo chat, I had to understand why I had been so uncharacteristically mean.
It was hard to see why. My family and I have gone through a number of strains and stresses that have definitely felt traumatizing. The need to scream, cry, feel anxiety and despair has been acute. Getting up every day and feeling good has been an effort, because every night has been one where you wonder what sort of news are you going to hear next?
However, I did the only thing that I could do under these circumstances, I sat with the pain and I worked through it. Of course one or two sittings is not going to create a fairytale. However, yesterday I woke up feeling that an Artist by profession is what I am, and last night, I did an exercise that has made me feel so very refreshed this morning, and that is saying allot.
The exercise was to imagine all of my immediate and future needs met, and also to see myself in eight years and explore how I fell then and what I have managed to do. Being in the future carried with it a relief with it. There was a definite melting away of the present and a warmth and joy to meet myself then.
This morning I wrote to my friend to apologize. I shall also look at answers to what ails me, and I shall continue to work on myself.
A few days ago I literally blew up at my closest friend. He was trying to cheer me up, but what he was saying had the opposite effect. When we hung up from Yahoo chat, I had to understand why I had been so uncharacteristically mean.
It was hard to see why. My family and I have gone through a number of strains and stresses that have definitely felt traumatizing. The need to scream, cry, feel anxiety and despair has been acute. Getting up every day and feeling good has been an effort, because every night has been one where you wonder what sort of news are you going to hear next?
However, I did the only thing that I could do under these circumstances, I sat with the pain and I worked through it. Of course one or two sittings is not going to create a fairytale. However, yesterday I woke up feeling that an Artist by profession is what I am, and last night, I did an exercise that has made me feel so very refreshed this morning, and that is saying allot.
The exercise was to imagine all of my immediate and future needs met, and also to see myself in eight years and explore how I fell then and what I have managed to do. Being in the future carried with it a relief with it. There was a definite melting away of the present and a warmth and joy to meet myself then.
This morning I wrote to my friend to apologize. I shall also look at answers to what ails me, and I shall continue to work on myself.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Enjoy your life anyway
This came to me today
I suddenly thought, suppose I do not get anything or anywhere I want to in life, what really would I regret?
When I do an introspection, I usually say that I should have enjoyed things more, and with thoughts of my ex, we should have had more sex.
It all comes back to more joy, period.
We act as though being argumentative,aggressive,anxious,whatever takes us along at the time, would somehow enhance our control over life when we have none really.
We may in fact love the weird game?
So,what is this 'enjoy your life anyway'really mean?
In some ways, it is so simple. It is as simple as seeing beauty in my surroundings.
It is saying to myself, hey, I feel like sleeping an hour later, or I feel like working two hours longer to get this project done.
It is about finding complete fullfilment as real in all things.
It is listening to the hunches, and not letting the sadness and stresses of life overwhelm me.
It is listening to my mind and hearing myself being more optimistic about what I want in the moment and moment to moment.
I suddenly thought, suppose I do not get anything or anywhere I want to in life, what really would I regret?
When I do an introspection, I usually say that I should have enjoyed things more, and with thoughts of my ex, we should have had more sex.
It all comes back to more joy, period.
We act as though being argumentative,aggressive,anxious,whatever takes us along at the time, would somehow enhance our control over life when we have none really.
We may in fact love the weird game?
So,what is this 'enjoy your life anyway'really mean?
In some ways, it is so simple. It is as simple as seeing beauty in my surroundings.
It is saying to myself, hey, I feel like sleeping an hour later, or I feel like working two hours longer to get this project done.
It is about finding complete fullfilment as real in all things.
It is listening to the hunches, and not letting the sadness and stresses of life overwhelm me.
It is listening to my mind and hearing myself being more optimistic about what I want in the moment and moment to moment.
My job has been cut. It may seem as though I have gone through more than is reasonable to endure over the last few years. So many things have seemed to disappoint.Yet there also is an opportunity to look at things differently. No matter what you feel may be going on in your life, the question is, have you been able to enjoy the moments that really count?
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