I have found that I take some time to come to some decisions in my life, and this actually concerns me. I am not spontaneous with some things that have mattered to me, like should I marry this person, should I have a child, should I invest this money?
Now, that may seem quite reasonable. Those are big questions. But tonight these past decisions have come to the forefront because yet again, I am observing myself taking my time to think out one or two issues that are making me analyse the pros and cons of my situation.
In some ways, the answer is already formed when you take a long time to decide on a matter. In a way, you are just hoping for different evidence to change your thinking.
For me, I want to be balance. But really, what is that?I claim that I want to be fair minded, but what I may really want is to feel that I have taken the moral high road, or that my ego has been nourished. I know that I am being a bit hard on myself by saying that. But I really want to investigate my way of seeing things.
I am at a point in my life where some of my experiences are repeating themselves and beginning to seem a bit bizarre even to me. The same people factoring, similar issues coming up. I thought that I had dealt with this years ago and moved on? So why is this particular thing back again? What is to be learnt this time? Or am I just over thinking?
I conclude that my feelings are feelers to tell me what and where I need to go. I take time because I feel things, and being settled with my decision matters to me. The things I mentioned have been big, and so,I may be older, but my experiences are not necessarily that of a veteran at emotional life. There are things I wonder about and just do not feel knowledgeable about, but in a way too, that is dis-ingenuous, because no one knows, we all are just faking it. So, I'll venture and say, hey, I am growing stronger, taking up positions that make me feel that I am moving in uncharted territory and this may not mean winning, but it does mean living, and you know what, it's my life.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
new directions
As I read over my post, I realised that I did not write about the latest circumstances with my ex-husband. We went to court and we mutually decided to end the matter.
This is a big step. We are communicating better, and I feel that with continued work, we can form a much better relationship for our child's sake and for our own.
As I read over my post, I realised that I did not write about the latest circumstances with my ex-husband. We went to court and we mutually decided to end the matter.
This is a big step. We are communicating better, and I feel that with continued work, we can form a much better relationship for our child's sake and for our own.
Getting out of the zone
Last night an old friend and I went to visit some friends of his, and I was immediately struck by the vast difference in life of some people,in regard to my little world. Because I am starting over, I am particularly observant right now of what different people in other walks of life are about.
I saw it instantly in my travelling, but now I am seeing it at home.
I felt a bit out of my element when I met a couple who have been all over the world. They have no children, and they have a large art collection. Listening to them talk about the work and the places they have gone to, I couldn't help wonder about my own life. I love seeing new places, and I have not done this enough.
But the bigger picture has to do with the old friend. When we left and went to see the next person, he was anxious to show us his family and pictures from a recently attended wedding where he was best man. Again, I walked into a home that was carefully decorated, showing the personality of the family. As i have always said, people want the same comforts that they see everywhere else, the flat screen television, the computer, the DVD collection, to have an entertainment area in their homes. My friend and I kept looking at each other and smiling, because he knew that for both homes, I was looking at the shifts of perspective and the things that both sets of people felt important to them.
This is an interesting time for me, because this old friend coming back into my life now, it feels like I am just picking up where we left off. it is so easy, so comfortable, and I am not certain why this is the case at this time. I have said that I want a lasting love in my life, I have no idea whether this may be it? What I do know however is that there is a certain sense of the delicious, the explicit in even thinking about him in this way. He comes with his own complications, and I am fully aware of them. We are no longer teenagers, and I cannot play with him as I did then. This time around I feel much the way he says he feels, so playing does not come into the matter now. It would be wonderful....but the timing...the timing is maddening...I have to say no, but I don't want to.
Last night an old friend and I went to visit some friends of his, and I was immediately struck by the vast difference in life of some people,in regard to my little world. Because I am starting over, I am particularly observant right now of what different people in other walks of life are about.
I saw it instantly in my travelling, but now I am seeing it at home.
I felt a bit out of my element when I met a couple who have been all over the world. They have no children, and they have a large art collection. Listening to them talk about the work and the places they have gone to, I couldn't help wonder about my own life. I love seeing new places, and I have not done this enough.
But the bigger picture has to do with the old friend. When we left and went to see the next person, he was anxious to show us his family and pictures from a recently attended wedding where he was best man. Again, I walked into a home that was carefully decorated, showing the personality of the family. As i have always said, people want the same comforts that they see everywhere else, the flat screen television, the computer, the DVD collection, to have an entertainment area in their homes. My friend and I kept looking at each other and smiling, because he knew that for both homes, I was looking at the shifts of perspective and the things that both sets of people felt important to them.
This is an interesting time for me, because this old friend coming back into my life now, it feels like I am just picking up where we left off. it is so easy, so comfortable, and I am not certain why this is the case at this time. I have said that I want a lasting love in my life, I have no idea whether this may be it? What I do know however is that there is a certain sense of the delicious, the explicit in even thinking about him in this way. He comes with his own complications, and I am fully aware of them. We are no longer teenagers, and I cannot play with him as I did then. This time around I feel much the way he says he feels, so playing does not come into the matter now. It would be wonderful....but the timing...the timing is maddening...I have to say no, but I don't want to.
Friday, February 26, 2010
My little one said to me yesterday, Mummy, I can be whatever I want. When I heard this, I smiled. I also thought to myself, I learn so much from this little person. You hear this statement all the time, but, when you get older you wonder whether you can really say it, or even believe it.
The words are powerful when you think about it. They allow you to live in the moment and not allow anyone to tell you what they think it means.
These words mean a great deal today, because I finally got the money that I was waiting on since September last year. The money was taxed, so, the little lee-way I thought I would have with some of the money...investing some of it, and paying off debts shall now possibly be swallowed up by debt repayments.
This was not how I wanted this to go.However there are messages in this experience that I appreciate.
This job, with this salary was one that looks really great on paper. However, in its safeness, it prooves to me that there is actually no such thing. In some way, you pay for the experiences.
What I have is not really a job. The sky is the limit for me.
I can do whatever I want.
The words are powerful when you think about it. They allow you to live in the moment and not allow anyone to tell you what they think it means.
These words mean a great deal today, because I finally got the money that I was waiting on since September last year. The money was taxed, so, the little lee-way I thought I would have with some of the money...investing some of it, and paying off debts shall now possibly be swallowed up by debt repayments.
This was not how I wanted this to go.However there are messages in this experience that I appreciate.
This job, with this salary was one that looks really great on paper. However, in its safeness, it prooves to me that there is actually no such thing. In some way, you pay for the experiences.
What I have is not really a job. The sky is the limit for me.
I can do whatever I want.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
I have been looking at a sitcom on U-Tube lately called "The Game'. To my surprise I find it funny and very poignant too. At the moment, after the day I had yesterday, I am telling myelf again, and this time, I hope that it is really finally learnt...what I want to accomplish with my ex-husband is hopeless. We cannot communicate. Going out with him, thinking that it helps our child may be great on paper, but he has an agenda that does not include being nicer to me. He is only acting well because he still wants to manipulate me, and as of yesterday, he was right. I was falling for all of the niceness, when very easily out came the old him the moment that he could not get what he wanted.
I did manage to get something out of this experience though. I was able to come to terms with this much faster than ever before, and I concluded that what was achieved, I would live with and be satisfied for whatever it was worth.
I did manage to get something out of this experience though. I was able to come to terms with this much faster than ever before, and I concluded that what was achieved, I would live with and be satisfied for whatever it was worth.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Of late my ex-husband and I have been getting along better. Part of the reason is because he thinks that after all of this time, he can re-introduce the concept that helped push us to divorce in the first place.Only now, he thinks that I am in a better place to listen and aquiesce in some way.
I have been feeling a sense of relief for this new development. But naturally I knew that this was also a shoe drop situation.
So today he called me all chummy, wummy, and then instantly got into his selling points.
I am grateful for all that he said because as I listened to him,more and more it became clear to me that I have come a very long way.
He has his vision and I have mine, and I am willing to listen to his opinion, knowing that my plans are also very relevant to me.
The old me would have possibly felt that my own views seemed too insurmountable and that he might know better, or have a stronger plan. I do not believe this anymore, and shaking off those old chains feels excilerating.
I have been feeling a sense of relief for this new development. But naturally I knew that this was also a shoe drop situation.
So today he called me all chummy, wummy, and then instantly got into his selling points.
I am grateful for all that he said because as I listened to him,more and more it became clear to me that I have come a very long way.
He has his vision and I have mine, and I am willing to listen to his opinion, knowing that my plans are also very relevant to me.
The old me would have possibly felt that my own views seemed too insurmountable and that he might know better, or have a stronger plan. I do not believe this anymore, and shaking off those old chains feels excilerating.
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