A dear former student and I have been chatting lately. She is very emotional about someone whom she loves who is still with another, despite declaring her feelings for her.
We talked today, and I was giving her some strength to deal with the situation. Meanwhile, after I wrote the other entry, I realised that I should also mention that I saw my old flame last night and we ended up at one of his houses being used for his band. We stripped off  our clothes and wondered around the dark garden, touching the other and giggling, then raced back inside when being freaky outdoors proved to be a bit much.
As always it went only so far, and I wonder for the millionth time why I am still after all of this time, a fence sitter.
I will not give in, but I will not stay away.
I cannot believe that I am behaving this way. I keep being dismayed by my behaviour, yet also titillated too.
Geez!
I can only shake my head at the moment.
There is a level of control and familiarity for me. Also there is a lovely fact that he respects how far I am willing to go and no more.
He provides excitement and I provide excitement with him.
What a pair we are indeed.

I have not been here in quite sometime. I wanted to visit tonight, like visiting an old friend. I got hacked a few weeks ago, so this email address used for this site needs to change, but I have not altered it as yet.
I have also been extremely busy, of the many things being done, I have to close up a number of things because of what is coming. The band is going well, but very slowly and more and more I am aware of how much more my input is needed to make everything come together.

I fell off the wagon regarding my former squeeze. I know that it shall not do. But yesterday it hit the spot. I am a hypocrite for sure. As my main focus was self fulfillment, even if in a small way. This side of myself is a head shaker. One moment I find that I am steady and clear, and then at other times, I seem to be courting a 'bad' girl vibe.
Even with what I am learning, I find this side of myself coming out in baudy humour. What is all of this about? Somehow I cant feel too guilty as it is all part of me. I am curious to see where this is all leading me.

"Writing down your thoughts is both necessary and harmful. It leads to eccentricity, narcissism, preserves what should be let go. On the other hand, these notes intensify the inner life, which, left unexpressed, slips through your fingers. If only I could find a better kind of journal, humbler, one that would preserve the same thoughts, the same flesh of life, which is worth saving."

Anna Kamienska

Excerpts from “In That Great River: A Notebook”

What is this life...

In some ways, do you ever have a handle on life? I am now doing so many things that I have to pace myself. I am enjoying all the learning and teaching that I am doing. I am loving th creative things that I am making. It is all wonderful, and I am pushing to see more and more. This leads me to question time and how much of it is really available.
I have much work to create and I want to get to it.

The Joy of sex

One of the things that I am coming to terms with is my sexual self. I do not know in what other way to confront myself.
Here I was, a virile, handsome man wanting me, and I decline.
I do so because it is the right thing to do.
.........................
I find myself occasionally conflicted about my desires...I have gone back and forth about who I desire.
I have had to separate the 'feelings' from the person. I am aware of a burgeoning sexuality within me that I want to express and to explore in full with a man who understands it and is a willing, capable partner.
I do not believe that this shall be difficult to attain.

.............
I find that I fragment myself sexually. I find myself hiding a bit from my intentions.
Why am I doing this?
.............
I think that I want to know myself more. I want to take whatever it is, slowly, really develop something beautiful.
I think that my needs now are more evolved than they were at twenty-six or even thirty-six.
...............
I think that in getting to know myself now, I want to enjoy the process.
I feel that it makes me, 'me.' This is just how I will do things.
...............
Punto finale

This week I told my potential hot squeeze goodbye. I found the whole thing untenable. I just decided it was time. I would only prolong the whole thing, when I knew fully well that I would not take it where he wanted to. What it did, was bring up a number of questions about myself that I must confront.
Why am I saying no?
Is it risk avoidance? Am I secretly interested in someone else? Do I want to get my own way? Is it that I cannot move on?
All of these things flooded into my thoughts.
The man has offered himself to me.
But it is simply not the right time, and it is all on him.
So, although my questions for myself may be legitimate, they in a way do not matter.

This person has been in my life off and on for decades. I care about him. But when he put forward his request to me,I knew very well that it could only go so far.

The scenario was as follows-: Act 6, Boy meets back up with old flame.
He proposes a relationship of sorts. He gives a plausible explanation.
She is curious. They proceed slowly to feel the other out.
Things come home to her that he is rooted elsewhere despite his complaints.
She says goodbye, this cannot happen until you change your circumstances.
The End.

Clear cut and simple.
I am not a home wrecker. I would not like anyone to do that to me.
I now realise from the whole thing that I have also let go of some other fine fantasies that I have had.

My darling almost relationship on another island......goodbye.
~
My almost hot and heavy, wonderful fantasy in another country....goodbye darling.
~
My crush in China....it was lovely.

All of these things are dead weight. They provide only foggy notions of a moment. No more, no less. I appreciate what they were. But they are in the past.

I have met amazing men, and I shall continue to do so.
I open myself now to the right person in the right time.
............
PS: I am who I am. I am contradictory. I have certain feelings about who I am, what I want. I see that I may want to explore certain things within myself....and that is why the entrance of the old flame was interesting and I chose to see what it is, further. But I have brought it around to what it was the last time...we always seem to get to a certain place and then no further.
............
I think that at this point in my life, I am discovering myself in ways that I am looking at, as I go through things, a woman with needs, desires, dreams, hopes for herself - mapping her space - coming into her own.
It is actually an exciting time.