OMG

I have been trying to get back on my blogger for months. I have given up and tried again through the months, and finally! Good grief! So much has happened. I have made work, travelled, seen relatives, done lots of things that I have not been able to assess here. Today, I am even wondering why this page is also present under a different address? But all of that shall be addressed at some point. I have as I stated, been through so much, and I am just glad that I am back. So for now, that is all I shall write.

The books and all of the reading, quotes and experiences helped last year. I found out so much about the ego and how to deal with it. So you can imagine, when I got the first email, I sat a bit stunned by it. There it was in plain old black and white with the familiar address with one number change on the end, kind of in defiance of the old one that I knew. I remember the satisfaction that I got the reference the first time, when it was said to me. I had to smirk dispite myself, and then a few days later, another one. Would I bite? Definitely not. How did my ego feel? A bit vindicated, I had to come clean in my mind. I was exonerated in that moment. I had calculated it. After all, I had reasoned, if I felt certain things, it could not possibly be one sided? Not this person. Yet, now, my thoughts, I am a bit lost for words. It brings up some feelings that I did not guard against. Thoughts like,how does this keep on? What is it about not getting what you want? There was one word....addicted. Yes, there is an addiction, so it was easy for me to say no, cold. Addiction, is not love, it is obsessive, and that makes me feel unsettled. Yet, I have looked at it and acknowledged that yes, I have feelings. I do care. But, I also have learned a great deal from all that happened and I do not wish to continue along a road of folly. It just is not worth it. I made clear pronouncements last year and I have not gone back on my word. I do not enjoy dispersing my feelings as I had done, wondering which card may yield a win, when actually I played a poor hand. This is not a game of cards. The person that I want to call forth, I have been finally just listening and reading in several places, the sort of phenotype that would interest me. It is not supposed to come with stipulations, challenges, baggage....it is to happen because we have found the other at the right place and time and it shall be better than I could have imagined.

Always new

The day is bright and sunny, and I am happy to be online writing here. There are new plans to be made, and I am doing something a bit different, I am listening to my inner voice guide me on my path. The meeting I went to yesterday showed me that I am ready to move on, and move on, I shall. It was a bit funny. One moment you are sitting, listening to people speak, and the next, like a solved equation, you just know that the answer is simple. You must remove yourself from the situation. There is no amount of suggestion, request, discussion to be had. It is time to go.

Act as if...

It struck me yesterday that this statement came to mind and now I am internalizing it for its wisdom. So many things still need to be dealt with, and it seemed to be overwhelming things with no real solution in sight. I had to just step back and admit it to myself. What do I want to experience? Then this evening I saw this fully in action via a visit I made to a clients home. He and his wife live simply and elegantly. Their manner with each other is loving and respectful. There was no artifice. When I started my day, I was in such a different place, writing this and then I was faced with a long standing issue that is always quick to upset. So now, to go from one emotion to another and another as I have, yet the latter ending as it did, I am truly grateful.

The newest thing

A dear friend of mine came over today and we discussed my plans for business. What he had to say to me was very sobering, but more so, it was very helpful. It has given me much to consider. Unlike in the past though, I feel empowered by this knowledge. I can make certain decisions now that I could not make before because I did not know. To say that I had specific career plans, I would not say so. I got work based on what was available to me, and I created my own work many times. I asked quite a few people on my trip, how do they make a living? What I found is that for everyone there is compromise. The people making big figures in the field got opportunities based on being seen and then working to do more. My friend put it to me today point blank about the way I was seeing my dream. I did not realize that I was saying what I was then feeling so strongly when I travelled. I want to take a few days to think about what we discussed. After all of this time I think that I have found a way to make it happen and I am very excited about it. For example one of my friends mentioned to me a way that she gets her work sold. This is through photography. What I need though is to speak to a few more people, as I formulate how I am making this happen. I need to know and understand the marketplace. I have a few ideas to discuss with two printers I know. Once I do that, I shall have a better gauge on where I will go next.

Back, and back again

After an as always wonderful conversation, I met with the towers for a meeting today. When I was abroad, he and frequent flyer contacted me regularly! I have always appreciated our conversations. I cannot complain about the value of them. So today,on my way to his place, I wondered about how things had been the last time I was there. It was under very different circumstances. I acknowledged that, and found that much had stayed the same where our communication was concerned. He had done a lot of things, but also, he was working, so for the first time, I found his place less than pristine. It made me smile, because it meant that like me, when he is focused, he is completely so. I was very fortunate to have seen some of what he had done, because at his place, very few pieces were left. One that stayed I noticed, was based on something we had discovered together, so I was unexpectedly touched. The meeting went well, and he made us lunch. It was substantial, lots of vegetables and fresh fish with tomatoes. He made the first suggestion to me of something else happening between us, but I refused to bite. I had been there before, and I had no desire to repeat it again. But it made me laugh and feel my ego boost itself a little from the observation. So then, when I was on the verge of leaving,another side of him appeared. He came towards me and just held me and held me. I appreciated it so very much. I told him that I was securing my body in the spot that always brought me comfort with him,that being within the crook of his chest and armpit. Whether we have come so far, that artifice is no longer necessary. I cannot say. I also do not think that I should start posting out wedding invitations...ha,ha,ha. We had a lovely moment on my terms. I left very content about things. I like the status quo, and I still believe that if it is to be anything more,it is up to him to proove to the two of us, that that is the case.until then, I shall hold sted.

Away and back again

For a month I was abroad, and that time allowed me to focus on what I truly love. Having the opportunity to do that was a revelation. I settled down, happily focusing at last, asking myself what if, trying new things and making lasting friendships with others in my field. It felt like a healing, it made such an impression on me. So much so, that I truly feel that much has changed. I see and feel it. It is a joyous feeling. It seems almost absurd that in such a small way, I suspended my expectations and just allowed myself to be. I had been so tightly wound, that it took some time for me to believe that I could actually breathe out. Having the opportunity to be so separated from my concerns, I befriended myself again. I found myself hearing myself and listening to my words when the two friends that became my roommates in the cottage spoke with me and asked me about myself. I did this without artifice, and found that much of my life's experiences at present seemed centered around emotional connections. I had some habits that spoke up to me, and I confronted. Then at other times, I had the opportunity to see that I just had an old way of seeing, or thinking, or that what I had had difficulty with, was nothing at all. It was very good for me.