What a difference

Where do I even begin? Finally Frequent Flyer and I met. I believe that the last time that we saw each other in person was about two years ago. What a difference time can make when one has to come to terms about feelings. I can state categorically that I have transitioned from what it had meant to me. I will always care about him. But this visit showed me how far I have come. Even my stating here that I will always care, does not feel the way I have usually said it about someone I have an emotional attachment to. I say this, this time in a pragmatic way. My dear friend is behaving in a very similar way to my ex. Not only women carry around a huge measure of the martyr complex. His suffering is as plain as day and I do not know whether he can last a week, month or ten more years! But that is HIS choice. I no longer see myself as having any part of that choice of his. I really do appreciate it as well, because, as happens when you learn something important. I cannot fathom now how I could ever have even believed that it could ever be more? Of that, I am truly grateful. He made promises that he could never have kept and I am so grateful that I acted as I have all these years!

Reading over some of my old entries,one of the things that stands out is what I remember against what I wrote, and in hindsight, some of my writing over the years is based so much on strong feelings I held. I came to this space to make sense of my relationships. Today, I have come a long way from that. I also saw how I made certain decisions and saw them through, or took a bit of time to see them through. It felt good reading them tonight,as I now realize that although I write so much, I do hold on to many of my feelings, making really tough judgements on my character, although I may not show it. But it is there, and I know that it does not just happen to me. It is a pattern of behavior that we all deal with. I think that I shall start writing yadda, yadda when I know that I am holding forth in a very pretentious way that I do instead of focusing on my real feelings. In my readings,I was quite surprised that for once I was not blaming myself for some of my choices, but actually just realizing that the choices produced the outcomes they did because they worked that way based on what was known at the time...the typical, when you know more, you can act according to that new knowledge. Only one yadda here... Not being judgy as I wrote was so good for me. I embraced my history.

Introspection

Some things can only be learned in the moment. At court yesterday I realized that I was focusing on so many small details over the years, and that the law really does not care about any of that.i have never really been given any sound representation from my lawyers. It has taken looking at television court shows that have provided me with real guidance. I know that all of that sounds pretty strange. So, what have they been doing all of these years? I have been in reaction mode. He has always sent me an affidavit. Ill ways have been reacting to what he has written. When you know more, you can act accordingly.

Now it's said, let me now reach for what is mine. First of all, I must know that I am just as deserving as everyone else I convince deserve the best. My list has been written a long time ago, and I know that it is reasonable, do-able and non evasive to others and no less than what all people want as a matter of course. Yadda,yadda,yadda. Now, to get out of my own way. ..................... First of all, confront fear. It isn't real when you want to move forward and break down walls that always freeze you. The point is to go forward...press forward, know that mistakes will be made.

I have been so focused on things outside my own abilities as somehow superior, that until I started reading the first line of a short story, I remembered that I can look at things according to my own history. I have had so many business plans. Some never get further than paper. But all of them get mental vetting. So, at the beginning of this story, I thought about my dear friend, the one who started his own business and has a staff of five in a lovely area. He also has a wonderful boyfriend whose job is equally fabulous. That reminded me of my own love.It now seems like I have to think way, way back to recall all of that, but I definitely had that. All of that is so lovely and so wonderful. I have had challenges with what I want. I am so pesky with myself, I can only imagine how much I frustrate others. So,anyway,I have gone back and forth about what I can do...always feeling great doubt about my abilities. But yet, equally, I have done things. But my criticism has always been, choose, come on, choose and stick to it. I have stuck to many things, but I have also kept asking, what do I want? What do I believe in? I am all over the place...but I understand why. I am just all,over the place because I do that when I really want to write about the things that made me feel wonderful,but I am nervous about it. The very thing that will make me happy, I fear because it always has felt to me like shoe dropping.So,I have to stop being so anxious of my own life. .........there is so much in the mutual attraction and decision to be together. Then, you enjoy the future plans you make. It is just a great feeling...you feel good about your choices and it feels like an investment well chosen. So ...guess what, you do not realize it, but things are always for sale, and the ego, well, it has been in circulation from the moment you negotiate your first gratification.............. So here it is now. I say to myself and sometimes, not even to myself, I just acknowledge it with my eyes over magazine layouts. Perhaps, I hesitate as well,because it runs into responsibility that I have no idea about and worry that it shall still be a shoe drop. But I would just have to get over that. How silly is that? When I think about it, why fear joy because like life, things change when you least expect it? The point is that when life hurts, you need those good times to hold onto. Constant bad times is so very Catholic guilt! Lol. How is denying yourself joy helping one way or the other? This point must be flushed from the system at all cost! Wherever or whenever it was learned, it must be un-learned.

...and by the way...

The silly name I was trying to remember before was The Towers.mi had not written about him in ages! Then, tonight, after so long, Frequent Flyer and I had a long Skype chat. I took the opportunity to tell him point blank that I have deliberately avoided him for my own self preservation. He chose not to touch that, but he did eat up for what he sees as our friendship. What was good tonight was that I was speaking from my place of comfort for me, and what I think is best for myself as my priority. He may want to think whatever he is going to, including nothing at all. That is not my business.

Feelings

Something was challenging me. Again, it was associating with the NGO and trying to make a go of a better relationship with he whose name I cannot remember what I called him...lol. Anyway, I tried to rationalize so many things that I was feeling. He contacted me, he kept up an online relationship with me, and after searching my feelings, I felt that after we met, it might have made sense to see whether I could make a go at a relationship with him. After the first expereince, I found myself already conflicted about what it meant and it did not take me much more time to cut off any romantic beliefs about he and I. But my feelings were unsettled about having so much in common, and yet, having this one thing that was just not right. In my logic, I wanted to salvage something of it, and he wanted business as usual. To me that was easy to ignore, and a chance at friendship seemed fitting. Things were going well, and we even had a bit of fun, with me making it very clear. That real romance would not happen again. Then, one conversation got me to see a side of him that led me to conclude that yet again, I may have wanted to see what I wanted to see, and who he is, I do not really know, and when I state that,I mean yet again, he seems to create in me an awareness of what I refuse to tolerate, and I do not need to experience many things escalating to know what makes me comfortable and what will not work for me. So, I have to be thankful for that. He is a soulmate. To me, he sent mixed signals about an "us." Then, he reached out to me wanting to become a "true friend" I cannot help but look at myself as well. I have to know whether I attract " what I am" am I unable and unwilling to be a friend, a girlfriend, a business partner and now, unable to simply move past apology? All of that may be so, but it is also part of something more important to me. I as I wrote, am feeling many things, and I am taking the time now to get to know myself better, and this means acknowledging that my growth requires seeing sides that I have always kept at bay. To please others. I felt that that was the only way to be. I feel that I need to confront this now. ...................................................................... I claim in all that I write that I want romance, intimacy etc...yet, I have attracted the opposite. So clearly, I have to ask myself what is it that I cannot move past? Hurt is harder to move past than I thought. While life is going on, it is easy to mask hurts. I thought that I was somewhat healing. But acts actually prove whether that is so. I am hurting. Still...which means that I probably expect fairytale outcomes now...things to be over, things to be so much better that I could feel that I have moved past what felt like deep emotional blows. What do you do when you receive bruises? You wait for healing. I thought that by now I would be able to say that I have moved on. But romantically, I have not really been able to. I have punished myself in some way....and this comes from feeling completely rejected by someone I loved so completely. How could they just arbitrarily change their mind like that? How could they just switch off like that? Well, this was not new behavior, you know he used threats as leverage...and as love. This is not about me. This is about being the victim of a bully. That's all it was...and it hurts, STILL? What's bad with a bully as parent or lover, it fucks up your mind. That person is supposed to protect you, not cause you to have to protect yourself. The child in you needs to know that it is not your fault. ............................................................................................ How do you move forward? You just do. You want pretty normal things. You want to have your friendship, your honesty, love, commitment...obvious things, really. So, the bullies victim must build self worthiness. It is way more important to remember who came first for yourself.....TOU. ............................................................................................ Your mind tells you to trust again, and perhaps others let you down. They have their own demons. The petulant child wants a reward. Will I ever find love again? Did I ever even have it? ............................................................................................. I tire of doubt and pretense. I am tired. I have learned that some things are not complicated. They just aren't. So, with that known, getting over this, is one that I have to be consciously knowing I can achieve...and I must clue myself into the fact that I do. It have to expect remoteness to be my future.