I have been so focused on things outside my own abilities as somehow superior, that until I started reading the first line of a short story, I remembered that I can look at things according to my own history. I have had so many business plans. Some never get further than paper. But all of them get mental vetting. So, at the beginning of this story, I thought about my dear friend, the one who started his own business and has a staff of five in a lovely area. He also has a wonderful boyfriend whose job is equally fabulous. That reminded me of my own love.It now seems like I have to think way, way back to recall all of that, but I definitely had that. All of that is so lovely and so wonderful. I have had challenges with what I want. I am so pesky with myself, I can only imagine how much I frustrate others. So,anyway,I have gone back and forth about what I can do...always feeling great doubt about my abilities. But yet, equally, I have done things. But my criticism has always been, choose, come on, choose and stick to it. I have stuck to many things, but I have also kept asking, what do I want? What do I believe in? I am all over the place...but I understand why. I am just all,over the place because I do that when I really want to write about the things that made me feel wonderful,but I am nervous about it. The very thing that will make me happy, I fear because it always has felt to me like shoe dropping.So,I have to stop being so anxious of my own life. .........there is so much in the mutual attraction and decision to be together. Then, you enjoy the future plans you make. It is just a great feeling...you feel good about your choices and it feels like an investment well chosen. So ...guess what, you do not realize it, but things are always for sale, and the ego, well, it has been in circulation from the moment you negotiate your first gratification.............. So here it is now. I say to myself and sometimes, not even to myself, I just acknowledge it with my eyes over magazine layouts. Perhaps, I hesitate as well,because it runs into responsibility that I have no idea about and worry that it shall still be a shoe drop. But I would just have to get over that. How silly is that? When I think about it, why fear joy because like life, things change when you least expect it? The point is that when life hurts, you need those good times to hold onto. Constant bad times is so very Catholic guilt! Lol. How is denying yourself joy helping one way or the other? This point must be flushed from the system at all cost! Wherever or whenever it was learned, it must be un-learned.