two

I'd like a trust fund. I'd like to work because I choose to and not because I have to. I would like to see all of my projects happen. I'd like to have a team of staff working for and with me. I'd like to have a space that I created from scratch. I'd like to go to countries I have never gone to before. I'd like a lover who suits me perfectly. I'd like the rest of my life to be about joy and beauty and fun, adventures and great memories. I'd like it to start now and to never look back at what hurt so much.

contemplation.

I am finding that I am changing in some little ways that tell me that the time I put in to certain things are indeed worth it. From the way I take a dance class with seasoned people, to how I now handle the moments when I feel sad or upset about things not working out that I really want to turn around for the better. It doesn't mean that my life is suddenly all joy and roses. I still struggle. I still hurt about certain things. I still beat myself up sometimes. But now, when I am in the beginning of such moments, I know that I am in it, and I know that it isn't something that controls me. I have a choice. Sometimes I can decide that I should just allow it, in a sort of observing way. At other times, I can say to myself that this is about to feel a certain way and I am projecting or feeling triggered. I may even indulge the feeling and see where it goes. The point is that in the past I used to brood. I used to sulk. I used to feel really put upon. I didn't know any other way to act. My journey has been a long one to finding a way to be in the world and to be happy to be myself. I don't even know myself fully. I surprise myself by some of my actions, thoughts and judgements sometime. Not everything I think or do, is fully realized. I can be prone to act without much thought.Or deeply analytical for the most trivial of issues. I may be moody to others, when to me, I am just being observant. This year, even my liking my own company and spending so much time alone, I challenged that. I finally admit that the two greatest relationships in my life that have ended,really changed my life - and I am still carrying the hurt and pain of those experiences, along with all of the wonderful memories, and I miss both of these people so very much. Have been wanting to find something like that again, and the void has felt so deep that I thought shrugging it off as not possible was enough. But, the laugh is on me. Sure I analyzed that I saw men as inferior. But these two people, I never saw them in that light. I loved them unconditionally, and I will never get over the importance they played in my life. I am not to "get' over it. I am to continue to know that I feel the way that I feel, and I am doing the best that I can. I have met people since, and I am grateful that I have glimpsed other interesting people who have chosen to share their time with me. I have been jolted by my expectations. I think that I have done my best to have an opened mind, and with it has come a better understanding of what I will and will not accept in someone I desire to spend my life with. I know that casual relationships are not for me. I know that someone who is secure in themselves is really important to me. I know that I would love to do fun, spontaneous things, travel, take long drives and walks, talk for hours, send cheeky text messages, Skype, laugh, eat, drink, dance, sing. Live. I have had the experiences I have had, I believe now, because I have been holding myself in and holding myself back, because in a way, I feel so restricted by my space and place. When I was alone when I was last abroad, I loved the time that I gave myself. But, I admit that I desire to share this with someone I love. I love being alone. But I am for the first time admitting (I think) I feel lonely. I feel lonely in that I miss having someone be just for me. It sounds kinda wierd to write it. I suppose it comes with all of the criticism and stress placed on my from without...from my former husband. From those closest to me who challenge me every day by weighing me down without even realizing it. It comes from my job, that I know I do well...but it doesn't pay me well. I cannot be satisfied by it because it doesn't financially do what it should.Nothing is the same as it was before. Suddenly, I can no longer walk this particular path. I feel out of control to ask for what I want. But I have been pushed so far, that now, I must confront what I want. I am actually afraid to say what I want. I thought that I was saying what I want all the time. But to me, I kept getting pieces of what I want. I make lists. I think about this question all the time. I make decisions like anyone else, constantly. Yet somehow, this year...what I want and what I say and feel I want just seemed slightly out of synch, kind of like the registration on a photograph being off. The picture becomes fuzzy and blurry. I ask myself, where is the path to me? I am always present with myself, but am I always aware of how much I desire? Or hurt? or rail against how things are going? I don't mean throwing tantrums like a child. I am trying to get to the crux of what I find I cannot articulate without pushing and prodding myself. I am determined to find my own answers to me. I can be so appropriate for the world. Dress well, sound polished. Be on point. I know that I hide messy behavior...like getting angry publicly, or not caring about whether I may say something thoughtless. That one, that's a big no,no in this world right now. Lol.This is getting quite long. I shall make this a two part thing.

stop the world for a moment

This week I promised myself that I would take a few days off from checking Facebook. But I had something to do for someone, so I had no choice but to check their message.In so doing, I came across some sad news about the death of a colleague. I had no idea that he was battling Cancer. This guy was a really lovely person. He was quite young, not yet thirty. But last year he got married, and he had had a child before getting married, and then had one after he got married. Somehow though, I never saw him as moving too fast in his life. To me he seemed to be one of the smart ones. He knew what he wanted and he was doing it with a smile every day. Tonight, I remember him with great admiration. I cannot imagine the void he has left with his wife, children and family. What I do know is that I shall never forget him. Appreciate what he came to do, however brief he was here. He made some impression on me. Grieving is a process. There is no way to get "over' it. You live with it. Some days are better than others, and eventually the person settles into the back of your mind leaving moments to remember them by. However, for now, the pain is sharpened dull at the same time. I feel so much loss this year. So much personal loss. This shall not be the last time either, as those I love are all getting on in years. It doesn't get any easier, and easy in not going to happen, ever where this is concerned. I know that with my partner, there have been days when I know that it would be so good to dial his number. We spoke every day, sometimes several times a day, coming down to the end of his life. One good thing about this passing, I have to write, is that he had fun down to the last. I am so happy to be able to write that. Nothing has upset me more with the deaths that I have experienced recently, than the fact that so many spent their last weeks and months in conflict and pain. He was in pain as well, but he had established so much love and certainty into the world he created. I could not let today pass and not remember him.

Today someone I just met mentioned her Facebook page being hacked. Her friend then casually said that she has hacked the pages of others.The conversation quickly went to your attitude about your own information. The "Hacker" said that the point was to not be blackmailed by your own property. Feeling ashamed was completely overrated. What I liked about the observations was that it is in many ways akin to what happens with negative self talk. One can get so invested in a belief system that even if a solution is found, hesitation occurs. Tonight I felt the need to literally snap myself out of some negative thinking. I was happy to hear myself get right on all of the crap I was thinking.What generally gets me in the relationship stuff. Work stuff, I don't take as much to heart. I am uptight. Some of my views contradict my behavior and challenge me no end. I am tired. Tired of the results. Tired of everything being topsy turvy. Tired. I am happy with y work. I am not as happy with the renumerations. But that can be worked out. What's happening now is my determination to work on my inner and outer thinking/expectation.

clarity

The Caribbean has gone through a great deal since the hurricanes, Irma, Jose and Marie. Amidst all of that, I have been going through all sorts of things as well. But most of all, I am very pleased to write tonight that anxiety and doubt are not among my thoughts. In fact, in the few moments when I have been able to feel clarity, I have relished the experience. Now is such a time. I had been going over some recurring thoughts...but this time, I knew that I would find breadcrumbs in the things I watched, listened to and allowed my body to react to. I knew that I was still learning from my experience in March. I also knew that it wasn't about 'him' but he was the catalyst. How else would I pay attention? It has been fascinating. It takes discipline to not get sucked and suckered into one way of thinking, particularly when what you feel is chemical in nature, and for centuries, training and nurture makes one think that there is only one way to behave. Powerful emotions cloud the mind. However,one can also observe them. Having powerful emotions does not mean that you have to lose yourself, or that you will lose yourself in another. The ideal experience to me, is meeting someone who recognizes you in the same way that you recognize them.You both arrive at a place where you are responsible for you. The other person is responsible for themself. There is no need for game playing because there is no need to feel vulnerable. For me, it feels like it has been a long road. I have been very good at concealment. It has taken me a long time, a great deal of patience to crack open my feelings. I love making lists, so I have found comfort in my own patterns. I didnt even acknowledge that I could not receive the things I claimed to want, because I didn't really want the responsibilities of them. My experiences were actually such that I could write something on my list like...a partner. But, I am still sad and angry about losing the partner that meant the world to me. So, my list is genuine, but my inner and outer are at odds. I could state that this is damn inconvenient, because I thought that all I had to do is affirm what I want and just go after it. But because what happened in March happened as it did, I cant make the same old pronouncements of the past. I would even go further and say that in 2017, I can state that this experience in March is an anomaly. It went completely counter to all of my patterns. Life really is easier than I have believed. Tonight I can see how much it is. Have a plan that is foremost and make it happen. Love life. See worry as pointless. Be kind, be confident. Be happy. When I feel sad, be sad. Feelings happen, holding to them is the problem. I would say that this year I confronted sides of myself that I do not show often. I have also confronted that my contradictory behavior does not mean that something is very wrong with me. I have to embrace everything. The work that I am doing now is necessary to achieving what I truly desire for myself ultimately.

Hurricane Irma

at the end...

Someone I cared about and knew for several decades died unexpectedly last week. I was fortunate because they were in the hospital for a few days and I got to comfort them before they breathed their last. I'd never done something like that before, and that has made a significant impact on me. It has me asking what is the point of life? What is the point of some of the choices we make? I know that the best choices are made in the moment, more than half thought out one, or rolling dice. I feel so out of sorts with this death. It is an end of an era as it were. It means the end of many things I had grown accustomed to. It seems that 2017 has been filled with such experiences. I have been shaken from my comfort zones in very seismic ways. Its as though I was not aware that certain parts of my experience was gathering dust. The hardest thing has been the dis-orientation that I have experienced. Although, I know that I have that to do what I do next, which is contemplate what it means to me. In this instant, there is no going back. Everything has now changed. It is not that I don't honor change, it is that this experience opens up what I have to consider in the next few years, starting now. Life has proven itself to be so fleeting. I have all of these memories of talks, and dinners, and jokes and serious issues poured out over the phone. Nothing is promised. Nothing. It may be too early to try to find answers for myself, as, as I write I see how raw all of this still is for me. What is the point of all of this upheaval? Is it preparing me for the things I have stated I desire for so very long now? Is it that the only way forward is through such trial? Do I dare look at these things that way? Suppose that they are for the best and are actually godsends? Who is to know? One moment your talking to someone and the next they may be in the hospital or at deaths door. The uncertainty is challenging. To me, things have speeded up, if I am to ask myself what this death teaches me. Things have speeded up. I am unsure about my very existence, how much time do I have to do the things I want to do? My attitude has to change? If I complemented my creativity, I now have to pitch my skills out of the ballpark. If I felt I had plans for the next year, two, three, five, eight, ten, fifteen, twenty and so on, I need to think even better and ballsier than that! If I desire to have good investments, I have to be more aggressive about it. If I desire love,I have to go after it. I'm hurting, hurting about this death, and I'm saying to myself that I have to make my life count more than ever, to honor that death. Yet again, someone I love spent their last months in pain. They didn't spend it as they wanted to. That's hard for me to take. WHat's more, these shake ups confuse me, as if I am not confused enough most of the time. I find that things that I dismiss out of hand, I now must take a look at them. I find also that my logic is not the only thing I can rely upon any more, as exclusive as I would like to, and that makes me a bit uncomfortable. I don't think that my instinct is working as well as it should, but then, I am not sure that its not for some things, I am spot on. I am thus,conscious of what I feel in the moment. I am uber observant. I listen. I slow my reaction down. I speak less. My mind races at night. I go back and forth about some issues and try to see what I understand certain things to be now. I take my emotional temperature often, and I try my best to be honest with myself. It is a process, and I am indeed a work.