It took time

When I think about the times that I see people or places and look upon them with joy, I would wonder whether I would also experience such things again.Of course the consideration is not impossible. When I recall so many wonderful moments, of course they are not in the past. But today, I am writing this because in order to have those moment again, I take on the small moments that are equally sublime. Like today when I went for my walk that I have begun to do again. I noticed a tiny bird on the concrete between the road and the grass of my neighbour's home. When I looked again, I realised that it was actually a leaf shaped like one. I was quite amazed by it and quite moved by the things that nature can do so simply. The day before there was also a fight between two brown birds. I did not realise that they are actually all of the colors of Autumn. The rustling noise alerted me to them. We live in a place where we get to see so many beautiful birds and other animals. To be lost for a moment in what is so much bigger is so helpful, so cathartic. I had a week where I was not feeling great, but knew that it was meant to bring me to what I understand right now and I am grateful as always for that. To be able to shift perspective and to plan and dream is a great thing.

My Dad's younger brother has died. If you put age into perspective, you know that as people become grandparents, thus, about late sixties and upward, many people face health challenges. Covid has not helped. But still, to get that news was still unexpected. We have been facing so much loss last year and already for this one. As I was writing, a friend of the family is the latest person. I suppose that what is to be taken into account here is that every day is indeed not promised, so focusing on the present...present....is the best way to deal with the uncertainty. I was planning on writing something quite different today. But now the wind has been taken out of my sails a bit. I think that this is all that I shall record here today.

Now onto today

A good day was had by me. I am working on an audacious project and I am feeling very fired up about it. I am taking it one step at a time. I have also as always been filling my mind up with other professionals who are doing some aspect of what I am doing and wanting to do, and I am even more pyched by it. It is so great to have that singular focus and drive, and I am just taking it day by day and doing a little for every one. Yey! More soon.

Red, White and boo hoo

I have been doing very well to not look at too much Covid-19 statistics and vaccine information and mis-information, or any politics. But today I could not dodge the absolute insanity that I saw on several stations in the United States as Donald Trump supporters stormed The White House! The white privilege was evident as many terrorized the capital with their actions. One woman was killed, but it cannot be helped to consider that if Barack Obama was in office and had insighted rioters, the armed forces would have made certain to shoot and kill many, many people. However, I would say that it is good that this has happened. The scales are definately off the eys of anyom=ne who may want to believe that America is at peace with itself. Even tonight, as I listen to congress say that violence is not welcome in its house...a country that is very willing to go into other countries with their bombs and guns, welcomed or not. But tonight I had no intention of writing about this. But when my own child calls me anxious about the world because of this, I must write.

All the optimism

That is what a new year is for. It recharges you. It causes introspection. Last night the scattering of fireworks was as exuberant as ever and so close to home. My mother could literally look up from the plantation chair on the patio. Wine flute in hand, the spray of gold and purple burst around her and we felt a sense of elation and sadness at once. The night before she had called out my dad's name in her sleep. She woke up certain that he was in the room. This year the recovery may be slow or may not, but 2020 will loom in the back of our thoughts as so much was learned. So, so much was unexpected. But amidst all of that, I appreciated and I am grateful for the time I was given to dream, because this year is the year to implement much of it. There are two thousand and twenty-one possibilities.

As the year ends, I have taken up learning Turkish and loving it so much! I'd been looking at one or two Turkish television shows on Netflix and those and three Korean ones make me want to know more about the languages. I decided to start with the former and will also learn about the latter. When I was in high school, I disliked learning languages. But now I am in love with it. It is twofold for me. It is one of listening to the way that letters form into meanng and secondly, the way words form for one country in comparison to another. It is all so beautiful. I am certain however, that if I were dropped in Turkey right now I would be overwhelmed trying to gauge even simple words. Hwever, I think that that would be a big part of the excitement to immerse myself in the new to me. Deciding that I would do something for myself has been wonderful. I work at Turkish ever single day for at least an hour. I find myself thinking about the language even when I am asleep. I would say that it is changing my thinking. Lol. I will not learn a second language while learing this one. I need to feel comfortable enough to make full sentances before I would consider another.

From talked about to talked to

To my surprise today I got a call from the friend who just up and called me with the statement that we neeeded to take a break from each other. It had caught me off guard because between us, she was always the one calling me several times a day. Particularly as I was helping her with a few projects of hers. We had never found ourselves at odds, apart from when I had to put my foot down with the way she stirred herself up into a lather about some half phantom issues happening to her.I could not sit by and hear her disparage herself. I have also written about a few challenges she has made me feel because of how the friendship was being conducted....I don't think that that is too strong a word to describe it. It began to feel like work. Anyway, I was not thrilled to have any conversation with her. I was proven right when she proceeded to want to make some dramatic statements about when we last spoke. My sister has had a similar experience with a friend who behaved the same way after she (my sister) was dealing with the loss of her closest female friend. The situation was too similar in every way. I had some time to think about it, and I have an unexpected view of all of this. When I got divorced, I lost the sense of trust from friendships with others. Friendship is very important to me. I have always said that it is more important than love relationships because without friendship, love cannot happen. Now, I was thinking that she has been in my life for a reason and that I should accept that I am responsible for my part. My part can easily breed more distrust. More shutting myself off. more negative expectations from others. I don't choose to think like that anymore. I don't even choose to consider her an issue to me. She is going through whatever she is dealing with. Thinking that she is this and that is a waste of time. I want to give what I want to get out of the friendships that I make from now on. I got what I got with her because It is possible that I too was averse to giving more. Maybe I too was stubborn. Or maybe I was patronizing! I believed that I was being a "friend" when she was neurotic or scared and I am glad to have seen her grow and change for the better over the decade we had something that felt good. Blame really has no plac ein the equation. it is just that I don't deisre to be in a friendship that now feels so one sided and oppressive. I have no beef with her. I just don't want to deal with someone who really doesn't want to work on what may be wrong . but want to blame and want to only remain friends because of what can be gained. I know that that sounds contradictory to what I was just writing so fluently and fluidly. But I think that it is right. I mentioned what I may be reflecting and what I feel she has dished out. I state what I do because I don't want to go through it again with her. It is unpleasant. It seems that she is comfortable behaving that way...making demands as she does....and I am not going to change her. I am not going to put up with it. That's all.It is not for me. That's all.