the wolf cryer

Sometimes I just marvel at my own emotional growth. My ex husband is at it again with sending me a lawyers letter. He hated seeing and hearing our daughter laugh with me on the phone and pulled the plug out at a certain time on us twice. Then this week she was sensitive about something she thought I had said and she was upset with me. He decided to take that as an indicater and thus the email. But tonight I can read his play and transcend it by thinking of the best and the good things that I want to do, and not about his intimidation tactics. He has played his cards over and over again, and I have not wanted to play. But now I am done. I have to go decapitate this thing once and for all.

wolf cryer

Sometimes I just marvel at my own emotional growth. My ex husband is at it again with sending me a lawyers letter. He hated seeing and hearing our daughter laugh with me on the phone and pulled the plug out at a certain time on us twice. Then this week she was sensitive about something she thought I had said and she was upset with me. He decided to take that as an indicater and thus the email. But tonight I can read his play and transcend it by thinking of the best and the good things that I want to do, and not about his intimidation tactics.

My sister is back home and she is taking things day by day as she should. However, when she was leaving the airport in the Domincan Republic she was shaken down for a bribe. She was so shocked that she handed over US$20 to the woman who did it.Imagine targetting someone who is travelling home clearly from health surgery and being faced with a situation like that! It says something about the country. People may not be paid well at all and have to get kickbacks to survive. The levelof corruption must be something else. my sister took a huge step. She did something that she wanted to do for herself. My sister has always lived her life in huge flaming capital letters. Life is so interesting. Everything you do has to do with intention. You make the best decision on everything you do, dependent on the information you have before you. But what are all the things we claim to want really about?

wh,wh,waw

In the last month or two my teenage daughter's behavior is telling me that we have turned a page. We were chatting a few nights ago and suddenly she got upet at me and hung up. We have not spoken since. This is absolutely new for us. She did this in the context of arguing back and forth between her father and I indirectly through her over the phone. I understood what happened as it occured and I prepared myself for the fallout when it did come. But this time, it is about something I said and she chose to respond as she has. Of course I am considering her feelings and having to wait because she is not picking up the phone when I call. Apart from this being carried out in front of her father, the fact that she is reacting this way when I have done everything I can to teach and train her to talk about things...is disappointing. But here it is. So stay tuned.

A l i v e

You read about it and it is so simple....you want something-you work for it. You put your head down and you just focus until you can see that finish line. In one of my professions, you GET ahead by ostentatiously getting seen. You need one little break followed by another one, and hearsay and then just keeping on the tracks. You can get a job. But then to move up, you need to negotiate, proove your value.The other job has no advancement unless people leave. Then, being a freelancer is a free fall situation. Every job is a hustle, and juggling three does not lead to the big bucks that you see when you write it all down on paper. What am I doing wrong? There are millions of people thinking the same way and doing the same things. Yet, we all want to be special, and we buy into whole symbolisms of success and this isn't changing anytime soon. Covid-19 Hiroshima's the world and we have to start over again with the same playbook. So many people are running all over the place trying to get back on top, while others are holding steady waiting for the shit to clear and hoping that they have something left to start over with and then there are people who will not be able to have what they had ever again. In this free for all, I wonder who is standing, what are we doing? Yet, you kinda know. You see it whenever there is a recession and then it ends. Everyone forgets where we were.

I may have written awhile back about wanting to be complemented once in awhile. Well, two days ago, the thought just popped into my head about that conversation had with an old friend and also here. I am in such a different place about that, that it is worth a chuckle. Of course someone appreciating you and letting you know, will always be an emotional massage. However, I can now say that any feel good should always start with you. Having to get it from outside yourself is swell, but if you keep doing that, then when you don't get it, you think you need to look for it from outside and then your always looking for it somehow. You don't have to look in the mirror and tell yourself things. That may be a start, but really you have to massage your own heart. You have to be gentle with yourself. But not just gentle, your not playing games or patronizing yourself. You are really considering the little person inside the grown up you. That is the person deserving of the complements and they have to come from you. Build from within.

new choices

My sister had been telling us about the process of her surgery every step of the way. Today she sounded stronger. We have gone on her adventure with her. We have done what we do, we support her and we are there for her. This week I have been speaking from an awareness of the whole playing field. I had an unexpected conversation thrown onto me about the months before my divorce. I was literally being told what I went through as though I didn't know my own story. However I was amazed at myself. I have grown considerably since that time. I didn't care whether they agreed with my version of my story or not. Usually I attempt to be measured and sober about things because when I am overly emotional as I had been back then, and can be on occassion, I am not helped by it. Speaking openly about the past did something even more miraculous,I saw the patterns, the misdirections, intentions and mis-steps. Blaming was pointless. I also saw how much something like that, though casting a long shadow of emotion over ones life, it does not mean that one has to live ones life thinking that it carries into the future. My sister's surgery is like that. You can go on and on with the expected doubts, anxieties and then...life happening. You decide or you don't decide and you can see the playing field.