so, like...who am I today?

It is so wierd that when you give yourself a moment between thoughts, especially when they are stressed filled....as Eckhart Tolle states, there is space between myself and the thing of concern. One must always realise that you are NOT the thing or experience that you have invested in. You have at least a moment of for want of a better word, a freedom. I find myself asking this question more and more. I am now here and there are many things that I still of course want to do. I play into the first desires, which are to be stable. To please my family. To do so well that others look up to you in awe perhaps, or at least with respect. But all of that is actually external to who you are. You are always with yourself, so you can be meeting all of the markers and still feel dispare. You can be very stressed by the weight of the expectations that come from being that person. Equally, the feelings come from not meeting those markers or any markers! Thus the admiration for Monks and other holy people. They seem still and clear in their intentions. So what is this all about? Also indoctrination is so powerful that when you don't succeed according to society/parents/peers etc...you make excuses right away to explain away why you have not achieved what to you, everyone else seems able to achieve. The second desire is all encompassing and constant, the need to make money and enough to have it outlive you. Good relationships are also key. You want to have at least one or two people you can talk to and be yourself with. People who have your proverbial back. Then there is good health. You can't do anything without it and you know that the older you get, the more important that becomes. Somehow everyone begins to look the same again in such a vulnerable place. So who am I today? I am the product of every experience and thought I have had, no matter how small. I accept my mediocrity. Accept my hits and my misses. So I am stoic today.

How do I have so much to say?

Blah, blah, blah. This morning I got up knowing that I should go for a walk. But I just was not interested. This coming from someone who used to be highly motivated to do so. I listened to my internal voice doing eerything it could tomotivate me. I was not buying it even for a moment. It dawns on me that sometimes the reason I am lethargic about my intentions is because I know myself so well. I'll even write that I can predict my future because of it. The world talks about white privilege. But I know that I am damned priviledged! I want the things that I expect on my own time and in my way.I think back on my history and I accept my quirks. I accept that I am always in my own way to a certain extent. Yesterday I was chatting with a friend about someone we both know. The person is extremely ambitious, and I have seen her manouvre everything she does in the most calculated way andit has paid off for her. We discussed her because we both think that she is a lot of hot air and no substance. But really, I also admire that her energy, strength and purpose has taken her to where she is. I am now old enough to know that even if you want to admire a billionaire, you are watching someone who has had to work at things that I probably would not want to do for any amount of money. I am curious for myself right nw to know what it is I really want? I have written about this forever, but it is always changing.

Sometimes there is such a sense of clarity about everything. It is hard to explain, but you can wake up and feel as though you have all of the answers to the world and they are so very simple. Yesterday was the anniversary of the death of my dad. It has been two years! All of the day was remembered in greatest detail as the date drew nearer. My sister called and we had a moment for him and my mom did a lovely memory poster that she sent out to friends and family. He is missed every single day. But also, his death has left me quite aware of everyone's mortality. As the oldest grand child to all of the syblings born to both sides of my family, I have already set up an attitude of matriarch of sorts. I provide sage advise, support and comfort to everyone who may need it. I remember the birthdays, the milestones and the holiday greetings. Getting older, I now consider how many years ahead is there of good health and moreso. how will I be called to support my aging parent and family members? Will we be able to do some of the things that we all still want to do? As I write this, I must add that I am not being morbid in my mind. I am being practical. Certain things are inevitable and I have to be ready to handle them.

always food for thought

I find myself coming here without anything to report but a great deal to contemplate.I set myself up by the choices I made regarding entertaining myself while doing my work and sometimes purely procrastinating. I am writing about considering glitches in the matrix and other thought provoking content. In so doing, I have some hopefully choice thoughts to type here. I am in complete agreement about the unanswerable moments. We are only now beginning to take a closer and constructive look beyond coincidense. After all, we know for centuries that if we were to be told all of the secrets, our minds would explode. It is proven by our reactions to the glimpses we get of the things we cannot explain as it is. We get all worked up. As we should because we use our senses in very specifc ways. One can imagine the Taino people coming face to face with someone of this period. They would have no clue how to handle what they were looking at.They would also definately think that we are gods. Demistifying things that once upon a time was really too hard to explain, is a boon. It has taken all of these centuries to get us to a place where we can understand DNA and the multiverse. I am excited to get where we can go next and should go. Providing we don't absolutely destroy our world before that.

what it looks like

My mind sometimes wonders over to what others are doing. I don't know why but that Instagram diet is something I have not been able to quit. It is entertaining, and then it also sticks in my gut, because everybody I know and don't know seem to have their act together. Everyone is rich, healthy, in love and absolutely sure about every moment of their glorious lives. So where is my life like that? Moments filled with me holding the hunky hand of someone I am looking lovingly at? My hair all tossled and my cute outfit flowing in the perfect breezy tropical perfection behind me. I am holding a sleek glass of something healthy. I am always snuggled up with, in some superb setting. All the food catered by Chefs who just want to flex their culinary brilliance.I'm in the gallery spaces, the hotels, the pristine lakes, smiling beyond the box of those glossy images. NOW...real life isn't all of those posed for print ones, but this life belongs to the me in the now and beyond and I gotta be pleased with where I am , what I am , have and am creating, and I am. Even the crown wearers experience the dull, the monotenous. No matter how it seems or what they own.

So often I want to unbind myself from the belief systems that I have about some parts of my life. I think to myself if only I could write a different story about this. Or perhaps if this were the last few lines of this story I can continue on into a story that is way better for me. My daughter talks about her life being a book that she is writing and she wonders about its pages. Both perspectives are interesting. Both allow an opportunity for storytelling that is both invented and fluidly changing at any moment. What it says to me is that it is up to us, to me to decide what I choose to drag along into the next moment and moments that are always present until it becomes the past.

what am I saying

It's that time again where I am doing a lot of things and yet feeling as though I am not doing nearly enough.I am writing about it conscious that I am and I shall push through this feeling. I believe that I have just gotten into such a routine that I need to change around some of it.