Covid happened

After all of the conscious effort to do whatever I could to NOT get Covid, it happened. My mother was invited and instrumental in a celebration for a sixty year retirement. When she got home that evening she was already not feeling well. A few days went by before I caught what she thought was a cold that she was experiencing. I had a headache, literally 'body' music which is an absolute aching feeling all over. It made me also feel a little nausuous, and I developed a cold where the mucus was suddenly in my throat every time I coughed. A few days have passed, and every day I feel a bit better. I really got upset knowing that this happened. I wanted to have been able to say that I never got it. However, I began to consider all of the people I know who have experienced it and when I think that even the late Queen Elizabeth the II got it, it tells me that perspective is everything. An airborn contagious disease is no regarder of amnyone period.

would I know

The way that circumstances insued this evening, I saw an aspect of myself that I am now musing on and also working on in myself. I come from parents who always seemed confident,all knowing and until adulthood,never seemed to me to make mistakes. This afternoon I mis-interpreted what was said in a meeting for today and thought that I did not have to show up. I was called and I was able to explain my understanding of what was said at the meeting. I was mortified that I had come to my conclusion and had no other thought about it being possibly different. I get really triggered when I make an error. I think that I can find myself melting down, embarassed. I get right back to childhood wondering who thinks I am stupid.So naturally I spent some time just feeling all of those icky, stomach flipping emotions. It took a few minutes for me to talk myself off of the ledge. I had erred, but not so pathetically that anythings could not be fixed by it. I wasn't an idiot, addled brained, hopeless...I told myself. As I graadually shifted my focus and my emotions, I thought about my mood. Prior to the phone call, I had been feeling so happy about having today off, as next week I felt that I would be taking up the usual ruitine and figuring out how I was managing everything I would have to do. So when the call came that I did not expect I was ready to act , to solve the issue. Yet, I felt such a disappointment in myself. I was divided. On the one hand, I was flled with a sense of absolute let down to others on the one hand and a distinct need to get my mind right about how much I would punish myself for the misunderstanding. I wa taken aback by how much I swiftly slipped into feeling bad. However, it was the very fact that was telling and helpful in the end, as I saw that I was going over the top with my actions. The truth as is proverbially stated, is always in the middle. I had the chance to experience opposing emotions and to act on them and most of all, to come out of it on the other side, secure in the knowledge that these things happen, yes, I can believe the worst and the worst can and does happen...but ultimately, it is the fight within and the desire to persevere that matters most.

Every year I consider leaving my job. I think about it because of the salary. However this year I did some research and further thinking about it. I have great flexibility there. I have the time to do other things, and it is that fact that makes it clear that all I need do is to have some other paying consistant work. My other jobs are too sporadic after all. So from here on out I shall be posting about these 'other' 'consistant' forms of salary.

A colleague called me two weeks ago. She delivered some news to me where she was stunned that I had not received the new title that someone else we know now has. Over the next few days I heard from the person themselves that she had been with the department for eighteen years, four years longer than I, and seniority is many times the reason for such advancement. My friend and colleague is someone I like immensely. Yet, more and more I am a little alarmed by the way she imparts opinions about our experiences at the job. For such a young, bright person, she is extremely negative and bitter. She makes some leaps of judgement about peoples' successes. So much so that although I may feel the same way about why someone may 'get' ahead as opposed to my efforts, I equally know when I unpeel the layers, that I would not choose their actions to achieve their results. I have told my friend this. We live in a tiny country. We are all horrifically over qualified for most of the jobs we can get, and no one leaves their job just like that. The more academic, the more education....oddly, the more challenges appear. The compitition to succeed at all cost is aparant. The need to foil others success or to step over others to receive your own is very high. All of this is perfectly normal and not condusive only to geographic location. It just happens with people at work. I suppose I observe this because I pick up a sense of helplessness from my friend and that gets me wary. She is capable, she can mind her own business and get whatever it is that she is seeking. But instead she prefers to lay blame on others, and that I find unfortunate.

what do you know

This morning I was making some crackers for the third time and adding something else to the recipe. I cannot wait to taste it as they came out great.While I was making them, I considered that my mood right at that moment was something that I love to feel, and I revel in those moments. But what about having longer stretches of time feeling that way? It was at that moment that a tiny detail lit large in my thoughts. If I am to keep to the feeling of confidence, that comes from focusing on your greater goals. It comes from planning and understanding that celebrating every step is key. It comes from putting love behind every moment in the process. It is also about managing expectations and just considering it an adventure. I shall read this again because I really appreciate being in this frame of mind.

song,song

Sometimes I am really amazed at the way my thoughts produce a certain train. I may be researching something on finance.Then listening to a podcast on the paranormal. I've been monitoring myself a little,as I am definately filling my mind with things to do with death, dying and the paranormal. Part of the reason is very obvious, from the death of my dad to the very latest one being just yesterday when I heard of the passing of a high school friend the day after her birthday which was the day before. Then three weeks ago it was the passing of a colleague. So I go back and forth and then I also find such interesting information way beyond my interest and last night for example I was introduced to the fantastic poetry of an American by the name of Hart Crane. I was deeply moved by the first stanza alone, far less for when I read to the end. Amidst all of this I am also reading all I can about annuities and stock, better financial plans and choices. So mine is a heavy cocktail of thoughts all swirling around in my mind. So, I am jumping from thing to thing and something else pops into my mind to join the party. It is a simple guest and that guest is ryhthm. I am suddenly focusing on that, or moreso, feeling what the word means. Now here is where the cocktail may become a flambe or something else entirely. Sitting with stillness and observing this rythm had something to say to me. It was as though I could access or become one with the rythm, and the rythm was giving me a perspective of seeing beyond me and beyond everything that I find myself thinking about and being consumed by. Particularly the things that I want solutions for right away. The answer that comes to me in the best way that I can put it is feeling instead of thinking and that produces a train of awareness of levels as one would hear in a melody. Thus I asked intuitively whether my melody is harmonious or shrill? I was sort of conscious that THAT is actually LIFE. Your either producing harmony or chaos within harmony. If you can see harmony within your chaos you can pull back from fear, from doubt and from anxiety. You are present and when you are present, still and listening...only then can you ACT to receive what is best for you.

I have been wanting to write, kept the post open and just sat and had a long running commentary that never saw the light of day.Now finally I am in the zone. A dear friend visited us yesterday and we had an excellent time together.She has taken the decision to move to another country. Listening to her enthusiasm and hearing how much the move has changed her outlook was so wonderful to hear. In the past she has been very kind to people who have taken advantage of it. What I learned from her wonderful resitation is that there is never too late a time to change your mind or way of doing things. So I did thank her, but her words have stayed with me in the best way. Of late I am adjusting my expectations and considering some new opportunities. So I am very excited and I am finding that enthusiasm is contagious. I am very focused on learning new things about topics that shall assist me in getting these new goals on the way.