insomnia

My mom could not sleep last night. She was going over a lot of things, including taking on one or two things I said to her about myself and her grandaughter's complaints about her dad. To me, it was just this has been going on and this is what I am going to do and what she is going to do. But at three am, mom had become overwhelmed and woke me up. She just felt that so much was being piled on. This meant that we ended up talking until five. The conversation led to some breakthroughs. I have been finding lately that talking things out aloud is excellent for solving a problem, and when we do it as a family for bigger issues, we are golden. We had some tough moments of course. Those were the most important. There are times that I wonder about all of these moments. The ones that are very important and others that may have been a precursor to some part of my or someone elses future. Nothing is really wasted.Reading my old diaries, I wondered whether if I had known how some things would work out, would I make different decisions. Of course I would. But, ultimately if inevitably the choice is the same, then the moment can shift around all it wants...unless your sublte changes is all that alternate universes are made of. Anyway, it has been awhile since I have projected into the possible future ahead by a few years. When I was a child or teen, that speculaiton was enjoyed. Now, the day to day and week to week bombardment of news and speculations, so called entertainments and fearmongering is enough to do its horror job. I hope in my next entry I focus on my views without all the static.

the constant treadmill

In the middle of a meeting it occured to me how bizaar life can be. Here I was chatting with people I have had very opposite conversations with about what we were now discussing in earnest as though we were always allies and on the same page. The sense of duplicity was pungent. Yet, how could I manouvre in this circumstance?In the end I did what I always do, focus on the purpose of wanting to leave the best possible legacy. I find that the only recourse when faced with the politics of work.

It has been wild. My daughter got an ultimatum letter from her father where he was making certain demands of her. She was confronted again with the possibilities of leaving altogether. We spent the last few days discussing the best outcome. We did this together and seperately. The good thing was that we have talked about this challenge for months. So although we prepare for certain outcomes,actually experiencing it in real time is something else entirely. For my daughter it is a dress rehearsal. She has serious exams in the next six months and moving is extremely disruptive to her state of mind. Her father has challenged this three times when he was leaving last year and this year. The circumstances have been made useful to us, as we have chosen to see it as an opportunity. Sometimes I find that it is alot for her to go through, but she is such a strong person. She is a trooper. So I really want us to do some travelling by years end, after all that she has gone through. I must add that for myself as well, the situation has shaken up my attitude as well. Little shifts do so much and I am grateful for that.

and suddenly summer has passed

Always asked every year, where did the time go? Finally I got up the energy to push things out of the hallway and into the garage to go through. I have a few friends to thank for that. Starting with one who nags at me to put a studio in the garage and the other person because they want to keep discussing something that happened decades ago, so I need to check mydiaries to get the right quote from back in the day. That sounds so funny and it is. But whatever motivates. I suspect that I shall be writing more about how this shall get underway.

time travel

Looking back at my diaries, I came away with the feeling of having travelled and made impressions while fully aware of moving on.It felt as though very little time had passed, although so much indeed has. As I look forward, I am optimistic about the things that I plan. I still have so much that I long to do. There is also a sense of having been a survivor.I am wiser, sadder, happier...you name it.I am here.

existential thoughts

What I was feeling while my two friends talked shop was the feeling of being close to where I would like to go and better. The last time this was the case I was in Glasgow. In my field there are millions of people hoping and for successes of all kind. One of the conversations I had with my friend was the fact that the Arts in our country is not affixed to activism and should be, This has resonated with me because a lot of my work is hinged in it. It is sort of strange to be in such an orbit...I want my work to be seen. I want to make more work and of course I want it to sell well and to create a legacy. I had that usual wobbly feeling of where am I in the context of this experience where it seems that the two parties are successful and uber aware of where they are going, and I am a bystander to it all, so I feel weird. I was talking with a friend the day before about women in our profession...where are the exceptional ones in terms of powerful work.

So much was learned today.It began with a very different and good experience with the hairdresser who did a home visit. Her perspective on a variety of subject matter was refreshing and informative. Then I decided to go for a new look, I have not done that in ages! I went out later with two friends and at first I began to feel a bit intimidated as they were talking a lot of shop. But then I decided that I was not part of the conversation by chance.One of the things being spoken about was the challenges associated with getting work sold. We then left his shop and went to a restaurant that I have always liked, but had not been to in years. We had very invigorating conversation. I ended up telling my friend that yet again we needed to do what we were discussing as a podcast.Now written it doesn't sound remarkable...but I know that my mind felt massaged and illuminated today.