what's up doc!

What experiences I have been having. The first being talk even less and observe even more. The next, keep your assumptions your own observation. There may be no need to get a second or third opinion from others. You may be absolutely right, but that doesn't mean that you have to air the opinion. Talking about other people's lives is none of my business, and it may make me a bland person, but I can discuss ideas instead. I can discuss experiences. I don't have to bring up hunches about people. I state this because I recently found out that someoen I know who got a large financial windfall had to spend it on some serious health issues. I had some old views about the person and was assuming that he was just moving true to form, only to be told by a friend about his challenges. I felt like an asshole about it. Then there is the fact that I can be self rightious sometimes too. I assume that I am doing my best and being this good person, but sometimes I have no idea how I may actually be coming across to others. I need to sometimes just step back and not be so willing to give advice or to think that my opinion is helping.

when control is out of control

The behavior of my ex-husband has been so upsetting that I don't know where to begin. This has a very long history of gradualy becoming all that you despise. I remember the Howard Stern movie where that was exactly the case with the station manager that Howard worked for. The manager was so concerned with keeping him on the straight and narrow that he completely lost it.The need to have some sort of ultimate power over our daughter, seeing infractions in her every move! How could he begin to think that she would want to stay with him? He began this fruitless quest by making a list ofdemands that to many adults may seem almost reasonable. Exercise, study, he gave specific times to do them and then the caveate, you cnanot see your mother until the end of the semester and for only one week. He came to this conclusion when at the end of the 'summer' break she stayed one extra day with me and was then invited to a school party with a friend whose birthday was the last day of the holiday. Paranoid much! She felt put upon, but realised that he never really stays home to make sure that she do anything. He goes out alot and doesn't care to check in with her anyway. But then, he began to up the stakes. He didn't want her studying in her room. He began to say negative things to her when she seemed to not move to his rules quickly enough and SHE had enough! I am deeply proud of her for standing her ground and being adamant that she shall not allow him or anyone to ruin her schooling and control her life as he has tried to do! The first time, she sent his letter to her grnadmother , my sister and to his brother and neice. The second time she sent his scathing comments to her psychologist who agreed that she should leave, With the last and real nailed coffin, scorched earth going way too far! I even got involved and tried to write to him about his actions being way beyond reasonable. But he of course doubled down on his behavior instead. He fnally wrote a half hearted apology but continued to insult her prospects by saying that my family would drag her down to our level of miserable life. He is a piece of work isn't he? She has been through so much in such a short time! She is doing as well as can be expected. We are also making sure that she feels heard, safe and loved.

LEFT

My daughter and ex-husband went to a parent/student meeting on Friday. She was on her phone at one point and he kept trying to take it from her. She told him to stop and he then said that it seemed that she could be their without him then he got up and left. He just left her without her school bag or any money. She only had her phone on her and when she looked at the incoming message he wrote that she should pack her things and come to me, he was done with her. So now she is at my home. She wants nothing to do with him! The fact that he could pull this stunt of his, a stunt to get her to obey him, well he was severly wrong.She sees right through him. She has been wanting to leave for some time but he lives five minutes walking distance from her school, whereas I live an hour and fifteen minutes away. The whole thing is a travesty!But so it is.

can you think

One of my students who came late to my introduction to the Librarian, was so amazed at his conversations on their future that she was blown away.What she said to me made my heart ache a bit. She said that before he brought up scholarships, she never ever thought that she deserved anything like considering a possible award. The idea that she was made to feel so far away from a possible better future because of the lack of information...this happens all the time. I think about the many times I read about a gallery, residency or award and see that people I know, know about things that they clearly keep to themselves. Everyone has their own plan for their lives. We are all doing our best. In my country as I expect is the same elsewhere,wants and needs drive our choices. This week I have heard two extremes, people who are trying all sorts of things to achieve an ounce of positive change. Others sound so well off, so rich and perfect that you sit in awe. The point is to mind your own business. ALso,let your mind wonder to possibilities where you can be whatever you really want to be. Know that somewhere someone is doing more with less than you have.

insomnia

My mom could not sleep last night. She was going over a lot of things, including taking on one or two things I said to her about myself and her grandaughter's complaints about her dad. To me, it was just this has been going on and this is what I am going to do and what she is going to do. But at three am, mom had become overwhelmed and woke me up. She just felt that so much was being piled on. This meant that we ended up talking until five. The conversation led to some breakthroughs. I have been finding lately that talking things out aloud is excellent for solving a problem, and when we do it as a family for bigger issues, we are golden. We had some tough moments of course. Those were the most important. There are times that I wonder about all of these moments. The ones that are very important and others that may have been a precursor to some part of my or someone elses future. Nothing is really wasted.Reading my old diaries, I wondered whether if I had known how some things would work out, would I make different decisions. Of course I would. But, ultimately if inevitably the choice is the same, then the moment can shift around all it wants...unless your sublte changes is all that alternate universes are made of. Anyway, it has been awhile since I have projected into the possible future ahead by a few years. When I was a child or teen, that speculaiton was enjoyed. Now, the day to day and week to week bombardment of news and speculations, so called entertainments and fearmongering is enough to do its horror job. I hope in my next entry I focus on my views without all the static.

the constant treadmill

In the middle of a meeting it occured to me how bizaar life can be. Here I was chatting with people I have had very opposite conversations with about what we were now discussing in earnest as though we were always allies and on the same page. The sense of duplicity was pungent. Yet, how could I manouvre in this circumstance?In the end I did what I always do, focus on the purpose of wanting to leave the best possible legacy. I find that the only recourse when faced with the politics of work.

It has been wild. My daughter got an ultimatum letter from her father where he was making certain demands of her. She was confronted again with the possibilities of leaving altogether. We spent the last few days discussing the best outcome. We did this together and seperately. The good thing was that we have talked about this challenge for months. So although we prepare for certain outcomes,actually experiencing it in real time is something else entirely. For my daughter it is a dress rehearsal. She has serious exams in the next six months and moving is extremely disruptive to her state of mind. Her father has challenged this three times when he was leaving last year and this year. The circumstances have been made useful to us, as we have chosen to see it as an opportunity. Sometimes I find that it is alot for her to go through, but she is such a strong person. She is a trooper. So I really want us to do some travelling by years end, after all that she has gone through. I must add that for myself as well, the situation has shaken up my attitude as well. Little shifts do so much and I am grateful for that.