When I am tired it is usually the worst time to consider serious topics. However, I am also always driven to act especially when I feel that I cannot continue.I have found the year challenging, and I knew that it would be. However, I have more than just managed for all of these months, but it has not been easy. I step away from all that I bring before my thoughts in a sort of visual list in my head, and I consider all of it as quickly as I can.I am going somewhere with all of this-: some of this is exciting, because I don't know how to actually explain it, but I can now see 'energy' in action. I feel it too. I hear myself say something and I then can see and feel how things from that comment fans out to get whatever it is I focus on. I used to not understand energy at all. I used to say and to especially think, if ebergy is instintanious, then why can't I get a million dollars like, right now as I think about it? It isn't a foolish statement, but energy works like that, but not as expected. So it can mean, anything...a million dollars can includelooking at a million dollar building. Lol. Or experiencing a million dollars in tiny moments including your bank account. The other day, I was so aware of what energy does so poetically that after I put the thoughtform I had into the world, and It felt all gossemar and windswept...I saw how it interacted with itself and then went out into the ether and I was amazed when what it found was more of 'that' to bring back to me. I felt at the time that I wished that I could actually have the time to consider it in a greater way. But now that I am writing here, see....I found the time. I am the time.

Already

The things that I have found to be confrontational this year has taught me a great deal. As I approach another birthday, I am particularly wistful about emotions. I have no other way to put it. For it is emotions that steer ones way, and as I have become used to sitting within silence, emotions have beoome the forst thing that comes forward to break said silence. So, I may be busy, focused...and depending on the circumstances, I can be prodded, jolted or as the slang goes, triggered. But what is particularly forthcoming when I am placed within that moment, is awareness of my seperateness from it as I am in it. So there is also a moment of watching and wanting the moment to get on with it so that I can get by it.

finding myself anew

When people are argumentative with me, and I stay very much in my centre and willingly aquiesce, and I do so because I chose not to argue or to match the energy that I see as wasteful...I am met with more aggression most times. However, that behavior is not as important to me as how it affects my direction. I write this because my direction is what I focus on after such exchanges. This year I have found that I am looking at experiences with people as if from above. I think that I can equate it to Neo in The Matrix. It is an exceptional experience. One that I am willing and able to explore more. Another issue has been about the fact that whatever choices you make, you face the consequences of the energy of that decision. That is simple enough. Yet, when things are not going your way, it is a cacophany of anger and drama that meets you as a childish reaction that gets triggered. Again, this is but a moment. It is kind of like observing wheather conditions. Things come and go, I observe the birds in the trees or an ant walking along the table. If I can see my moods in such a way, I can avoid committing to bad moods as the ones to obsess on. I think that at is something to take into consideration. I am always getting to know myself although I know myself. Some things stay with me and become a record playing in my thoughts. Those are the most challenging moments for me. Why do I do that? I've read and heard that it has to do with some inner beliefs that are so hardwired that sitting with myself over time and listening to what the actions tell me is part of the relief. Also, as I read this back I realise that some of this has to do with the need to be perfect, something that can never be attained. I saw in my mother a great deal of perfection in my mind. She still holds hersepf to very high standards and I admire and appreciate that in her demeanor. I would say that both of my parents carried this within themselves naturally to my child mind and teenage mind. Coming to terms with this fact is within the fabric of who I have been to myself.

taking my own advice

Already for the year I have collected a few experiences that are defining my resolve for my future. Some of the things, I have thought before and are reoccuring this year. One being, more observant, less reactive and saying even less than ever. So much is seen when you don't fall for reacting and speaking when others want to goad you. S I L E N C E what a beautiful thing indeed. Observing what and how I behave when I am unhappy. Complaining is such a trap. It is but a moment, but it is such an envolved one. Sheesh! Coming to terms with the fact that it is but a moment and that observing yourself within that moment is so restful and seperating, is such a freedom. U N H A P P Y It also makes me ask whether I plan to stay in that position or if I believe that there is more to my experiences, plans and hope than that? C O N F I D E N C E You do not know what life has in store. But you do know that you have the opportunity to sculpt your best out of it. I have asked this of myself. Particularly when I have caused people to be disagreeablewith me or in any way a discordance that I then repeatidly think about and I further then wonder about peoole pleasing. I just don't like when things disturb my peace to the extent that I cannot fix it. I am even getting carried away right now by going on about it...so there is still work to be done no doubt. F O C U S Don't get distracted by such moments too much. Find a way to accept and to continue on to doing my best.

about

I am about...famous words before optimism.

I have not written in some time. Of course so many things have happened, and I cannot begin to trace the time. But I am not here tonight to do that. I havebeen up and down and sideways. As my birthday approaches, I ask the usual questions when one is hitting a milestone. I have come here tonight with no plan at all, nothing to report although there is so many angles that I can apply. I am just taking a moment to remember that I am here and just breathing out.

Happily tired

Sometimes when I come to this electronic diary I am so aware of all the things that I think and focus on that do not make it here. But I am framed by it all, formed by my experiences.I have been doing so many things work wise that I am and also am not getting paid for. But my point is to clear my schedule for other things that I want to get done. The year is speeding by. Already one of my deadlines is fast approaching and I am feeling that if I miss the window I shall be in deep crap for 2026.Anyway, when I write like this, I get mindful of how wonderful it is to be able to state such things. I am thrilled and pleased to know that it is my own work being nurtured. I don't want to waste any more time letting little inconveniences stress what is working on my own terms.