The newest thing

A dear friend of mine came over today and we discussed my plans for business. What he had to say to me was very sobering, but more so, it was very helpful. It has given me much to consider. Unlike in the past though, I feel empowered by this knowledge. I can make certain decisions now that I could not make before because I did not know. To say that I had specific career plans, I would not say so. I got work based on what was available to me, and I created my own work many times. I asked quite a few people on my trip, how do they make a living? What I found is that for everyone there is compromise. The people making big figures in the field got opportunities based on being seen and then working to do more. My friend put it to me today point blank about the way I was seeing my dream. I did not realize that I was saying what I was then feeling so strongly when I travelled. I want to take a few days to think about what we discussed. After all of this time I think that I have found a way to make it happen and I am very excited about it. For example one of my friends mentioned to me a way that she gets her work sold. This is through photography. What I need though is to speak to a few more people, as I formulate how I am making this happen. I need to know and understand the marketplace. I have a few ideas to discuss with two printers I know. Once I do that, I shall have a better gauge on where I will go next.

Back, and back again

After an as always wonderful conversation, I met with the towers for a meeting today. When I was abroad, he and frequent flyer contacted me regularly! I have always appreciated our conversations. I cannot complain about the value of them. So today,on my way to his place, I wondered about how things had been the last time I was there. It was under very different circumstances. I acknowledged that, and found that much had stayed the same where our communication was concerned. He had done a lot of things, but also, he was working, so for the first time, I found his place less than pristine. It made me smile, because it meant that like me, when he is focused, he is completely so. I was very fortunate to have seen some of what he had done, because at his place, very few pieces were left. One that stayed I noticed, was based on something we had discovered together, so I was unexpectedly touched. The meeting went well, and he made us lunch. It was substantial, lots of vegetables and fresh fish with tomatoes. He made the first suggestion to me of something else happening between us, but I refused to bite. I had been there before, and I had no desire to repeat it again. But it made me laugh and feel my ego boost itself a little from the observation. So then, when I was on the verge of leaving,another side of him appeared. He came towards me and just held me and held me. I appreciated it so very much. I told him that I was securing my body in the spot that always brought me comfort with him,that being within the crook of his chest and armpit. Whether we have come so far, that artifice is no longer necessary. I cannot say. I also do not think that I should start posting out wedding invitations...ha,ha,ha. We had a lovely moment on my terms. I left very content about things. I like the status quo, and I still believe that if it is to be anything more,it is up to him to proove to the two of us, that that is the case.until then, I shall hold sted.

Away and back again

For a month I was abroad, and that time allowed me to focus on what I truly love. Having the opportunity to do that was a revelation. I settled down, happily focusing at last, asking myself what if, trying new things and making lasting friendships with others in my field. It felt like a healing, it made such an impression on me. So much so, that I truly feel that much has changed. I see and feel it. It is a joyous feeling. It seems almost absurd that in such a small way, I suspended my expectations and just allowed myself to be. I had been so tightly wound, that it took some time for me to believe that I could actually breathe out. Having the opportunity to be so separated from my concerns, I befriended myself again. I found myself hearing myself and listening to my words when the two friends that became my roommates in the cottage spoke with me and asked me about myself. I did this without artifice, and found that much of my life's experiences at present seemed centered around emotional connections. I had some habits that spoke up to me, and I confronted. Then at other times, I had the opportunity to see that I just had an old way of seeing, or thinking, or that what I had had difficulty with, was nothing at all. It was very good for me.

Sometimes

Two relatives died within days of each other this week.They lived together and their father died in April. With all the work that I had to do, I was also faced with the shock of these developments. Their deaths have caused much introspection about duty and relationships in general. I did not know them very well. They were quiet, retiring people, and the pace and attitudes set by the older people in the family, and their behavior as well, never led one to venture to press them to do things that other family members did as a matter of course. What their lives show me is that no ones way of life is to be judged unworthy or less than another. They may not have sought a fast lifestyle. They may not have courted friendships...but they mattered to each other. They did not come into the world and take from it and give nothing back. They were dutiful to their parents to the end, and I believe that their deaths groove that they were indeed their parents sons....come to support them and to leave without fuss. It must have been a decision made in the ether, to support each other....the ultimate gift of love. ................................. Meanwhile, The Towers and I have had some very long talks. We are now on better footing. It is working out better. I feel less stressed by him now. I am still working on how to have a good friendship with him, but things have improved sharply for the better. .................................

What I would tell myself if I knew me

Stop the worrying and judging yourself, and the caring how your failures may appear to others. You are here for so much more, and all of that worry is keeping you from getting where you know you need to be. You have been separated from love and from closest friendship. Left to be with family, and in a part time less paying job....all for a reason that says, you are enough.....and anyone trying to break this strength is not welcome. You heard yourself quite well,and you know what you do not want. So go be the best you, right now, and move forward.

That damned ego

The ego is so smooth.....sheesh! When I read over what I wrote,...I want an apology.... I sound like a petulant child. I had what is called in our slang...ah teef head. I have been working myself up into a lather about these topics. As though searching for the best way to get myself to pay attention to sabotaging feelings. I know that that is so because I am not achieving anything that propels me forward. I am stuck in the past by indulging such thought, If I don't get what I secretly want, then I will torture myself with verbal flagellation. What a thing, I must be vigilant.

A good thing

I used to think that I "feel" too much, I am too sensitive. But now I know that there is nothing wrong with that. When I am aware of sensations around me, it is actually an opportunity to check my emotional temperature and that of those engaging me. Some of the feelings are...sadness, disappointment, concern, worry....anxiety based things based on ways that I have approached things in my recent past. So, imagine when I read this today..." Nothing can bring you peace but yourself." Ralph Waldo Emerson I found that so refreshing. I am quarrelsome with myself....going over silliness. At the crux of things is the fact that the evidence before me in the instances that still irk me, I decided to take some risks, put my feelings out there, test the waters... And I feel like it was for nothing. This is not true when I think on it rationally. I found out things, made decisions, saw how people behave and made strong choices...but sometimes you do not win friends and influence people by your actions. I did something stupid and did it for reasons that felt right at the time and when I knew better, I did better....but hurting someone in the process upsets me, because I never wanted to do that. Yet I think that in the end, everything was weirdly helpful because it may have finally ended something that was pathologically unhealthy for me. I want to confront this situation....and I do not know if it is just something that I shall have to live with. But this poor me archetype that I used to embrace, I now better now that I know that I am no victim. I also know that despite feeling bad to have hurt the person, I also know that my friend is in an abusive relationship, deeply, deeply afraid of changing and moving on because it has been so comfortable to pretend that everything is great. The other thing....I get mad because I think I got taken by a con artist. There was a lead on that I never fully felt. Yet I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt. I want to write all of this down to really get a handle on myself. The situation that I was talking about could only happen with someone I have known for a very long time. I want an apology.....that's why I am not settled. I want an apology from both people for taking advantage of my friendship, regard and love. There, I said it. I W A N T A N A P O L O G Y. So right now, I think that I need to imagine how I would feel if I got what I wanted.