Going back has helped

I may have mentioned awhile back that I was looking through a few old diaries of mine. Well, a few weeks on I can state that going back has rejuvinated going forward. I went back in time and eavesdropped on my much younger self.I remembered what those times meant to me... I recalled the way the horizon was before me, completely uncharted. In so doing, I know that the horizon is still very much there. I recalled my curiosity about my plans, goals and dreams.Again, they are still very much part of who I am. I am, I have, I became and continue to be becoming. What a relief that is to me. My past is not something I lament. Time has indeed smoothed over so many things that appeared only one way or that I have forgotten. Putting one foot in front of the other understanding what 'present' means in all its ways...today I feel a gentleness within me and I am grateful.

Future conversations with myself

Sometimes I have conversations with myself that feel as though I am having them with someone else. Such moments make me laugh and also take me way out of my comfort zone when I catch myself doing it. However, I will now state that those moments are opportunities to catch myself off guard where I am not "on" for the world, but on for myself. This week I had an unusual moment along those lines and I am going to try to see whther I can explain it. It was as though I went into an alternative universe for a moment. I felt a sort of out of body experience yet I was very aware that I was still where I was. Then it was as though someone was speaking to me and through me. I was wondering what was going on and I was also still enough to be patient and listen. I should have written this before, because I do not recall what it was that I heard. I will just state that I may have more of these experiences and the next time I shall write it down as soon as I can.

Two things this week

One....reading an old diary from three decades ago and then...TWO...with the cleaning up,coming across endless bank statements and old journals and realizing that no matter how excited you get about the things you buy,either because you have a desire for them or that they are practical purchases, everything ages. Everything becomes a space in the negative spaces around your home. The many, many shoes I have, they are all just lined up. My clothing are hanging in the closet like I left the house and live elsewhere. The old toys are in a way the strangest of all. I found what may have been some novelty one, a blue bird whose wings flap and carries a little rider on its back who appears after you crank the wings long enough. Can one imagine that it was once an idea on a drawing board and then there was a decision to make perhaps a gazillion of them! Then they were marketed and distributed all over the world! It now sits in a pile of things to throw into a landfill. I feel so bad about it too. One moment something brought pleasure or entertainment, fullfilment or necessity and then, it is looked at with hesitation...bin or sentiment leading to the bin in the end. Greedy Greg ate all the green grapes . A refrain that just came to mind. All of that also gave me a chance to see distance between me and the past as I looked at it with some fondness as well, and of course. Perhaps going forward there is a chance to think about practical things. Think more and more about what else I can do for my environment. In some of the journals I saw the many, many times I wrote down inspirational lists, things on business plans, tons of work documents that I am finally throwing out (an aaahhh feeling there) and with everything I wanted to say in a loud voice, just live. The lists are fine, but it is the actions that prove them to be true. Just live.

Spring cleaning

I have finally started to look into a long time chore that I have not wanted to deal with. I am happy to report that in the starting I have discovered that there is a method by which I can, with some more days and weeks ahead, see the end of that rainbow.I find that doing one good thing does indeed lead to another. It compels me to push forward with other things on my list and that is a very, very good thing.

Strange and interesting

I went over to my neighbour's house with my aunt today. We had some pawpaw's from our tree to give to her. We have not been out of the house since last week Saturday, so just the act of doing what we did felt very odd. The street was empty of cars, apart from one neighbour who parked outside of his house. The entire place felt so still, not a peep from anyone. I must admit that I enjoy the peace. It is a shame that to achieve it, a pandemic had to occur.

LOCKDOWN

Our Prime Minister came to the nation a few days ago and declared a state of emergency. The covid cases that have suddenly begun to climb this month are worrying enough to cause it to happen. Amidst all of this, further pause is caused. I do not think that I have ever contemplated death more. mine, my closest family, friends...appreciation for life...wondering what to make of the life before me. Some countries like England are celebrating getting out of quarantine and getting back to being in groups and going out and having fun and it is easy to look on at them and feel a bit of a twinge of envy. But I also think that what covid-19 spikes have done is to show us here that we still have been very fortunate. Our curfew is from nine at night to five in the morning, so the disruption is not really that oppressive. The SOE is being done to prevent congregation of people. My aunt and I were out two weeks ago at one of our large markets and we observed how much people were lingering around and crowding and we were concerned then. So we understand our situation now. I must also write that one of my favorite places, Taiwan, was doing so well and now they are also experiencing a serious spike. The whole world has to be vaccinated for this virus to dampen down. It shall take some time. I am thinking that by this time next year life shall be better. It shall not be the same of course. I think that the rules of covid-19 shall remain...wear a mask, sanitize and social distance shall be a choice to focus on every time we go out, as there are people who refuse to take the vaccine. For the end of the last century and this century, we have heard of Ebola, Chickenguniya and now Covid-19. These virus varients kill. We have no idea what may come next and I still marvel that a piece of cloth with two strings keep us alive. We have much to be grateful and thankful for and I am definetely thankful.

One step back

In this early stage of Covid vaccines we have hit a snag with our citizens. We have a spike and so our prime minister has decided to quarantine the entire island until the second to last week in May. The PM himself got the virus a few weeks ago, prooving once again that it can happen to anyone. We got a heads up from a friend who suspected that we were facing the very thing that was said at the press conference. We are still extremely luck here despite such a serious rollback. The government has done everything it can to keep people working on a staggered level. But Malls, restaurants and bars cannot open. This includes fast food restaurants. So I expect that as the prime minister has given to midnight for what he said to take effect, I can imagine how many people are going to automatically decide to run to the fast food places and order up to a ridiculous degree. This happened last year. I feel a bit of the fact that just as things have begun to feel a bit better, we now have this situation. But, again, our leader said that he could leave everything as is and then we can spend our time looking at an overwhelmed hosspitals and lots of funeral plots. Put that way it is clear that twenty-one days shall go by with a better understanding of what we need and must do as opposed to what has happened in India. I looked at the Covid-19 Bing.com map today, as I find that it is better to look at that than to take what I hear from the news media. I also have to say that I am grateful that I had a conversation with my second curator who pushed back my show to June. I believe that that is a good call. The present show that started on Monday is actually also a good call, as that gallery decided to make the show a virtual one. What is unfortunate is that you have so many people doing the right thing, and it only takes a few people who just take it lightly to push us all the way back. I really hope that this reversal will take.