alone not lonely

We spoke about the uncertainty but necessity to work. The joy of the process. Family and their struggle to understand our need for space and quiet. We spoke about my father's death and her mothers struggle with dementia. She told me about the challenges of having a long distance relationship with the German guy she was seeing. What I liked as we talked was the fact that as she was saying things, she was working, and her strength in herself was and is so much bigger than anything else. I loved that. So many times I find myself admiring certain people, and what I am usually looking at is the visual of the moment. On closer examination I see that what I am looking at is what can only be seen as peace.

went for the visit

Visiting my friend was good for both of us. While I was writing that confessional the other day, I was conscious of my tone and my meaning. I have an ego on me.Lol. Naturally whatever I rcognise in my friend, I do because it is within me. She has her space set up for living and creating. It reminded me of the studio in Scotland. Being in her space was such an intimate thing. You can measure all of the effort. The main object being worked on in the centre of the room. A table devoted to a variety of flat pieces that were all stacked up. An area for her blender and grocries. A bag on the floor of her clothing. Two rolled up mats for her bedding, two fans, her phone plugged into the wall, always on in case of emergency. Her computer open on another table and a few chairs for herself and visitors as well as a few pairs of shoes for whn she steps out onto the compound that is relatively large and filled with manicured grass and huge trees. What it takes to do what we do felt so poignant, practically poetic. I cannot describe it really. All I can state is the awe of it all. It really is special to watch someone in action. The effort put forward is mindblowing. it is like watching a tigtrope walker from the ground. You do not realise that you are holding your breath until they get to the other side. When you work alone like that, of course all of your emotions come into play. You represent yourself, and so, you will want to take the temperature of others working in the same vein. Of course you want to represent yourself and your accomplishments. You have no barometre to take your own temperature. You only have the luxury of living and looking back to see your path. It is an odd juxtapositioning. You are absolutely free and within that freedom you are also anonymous.

The radar

A friend of mine has been contacting me lately, and it has been for two reasons. It is a weird thing, but I cannot help but be aware of the fact that getting a little buzz with what I am doing is something that they suddenly want to rub shoulders with. Yes, we chat and we are reasonably good as tentative friends. She is skittish, I am skittish. We have been through things. She also wants to pick my brain. I question what I am doing where that is concerned. I write about this with difficulty because I feel like I am exposing a secret. But really I am hitting closest to home because I have been in this position before. Thus, who knows what kind of friend I am now? I cannot be a true friend when people choose me. When that happens, I have my back up. If I choose my friends, then, that is another situation entirely. It suggests positions of power and that word also does not sit well with me. However, the relationship we have is what it is, and I am writing now because the talk we had today was so transparent. But I cannot blame her. When one is a loner, the only way for others to know about what your doing is to say so to someone relevent to listen. What's always good about what she does is it encourages me to also take my own temperature about my own intentions. We live in a little bubble and we are always looking at the ooze of colours.

To that one person

I remember when I began this blog so many years ago. I was about to divorce. My life felt as though I were a giant tree about to be felled by every problem imaginable. Over the years I have continued to feel like that tree, but ever so slowly I have remembered that I am trsiliant and that whatever I make of myself in the world is my business to experience. Thank you one person. Ever so often when I write I notice that someone in this big old huge world takes a moment to check in and to in your own way let me know that I am seen and I am heard. Thank you. PS: OMG, you may be a bot! Lol. Thanks all the same.

One of my friends has been trying to contact me for a few days. Every time I see her messages and try to contact her, I don't get her either. So we have been playing messenger tag. But yesterday at the grocery I caught a glimpse of her and we spoke very briefly. I was thinking about her process as the Artist that she is. Very much like me, she has to keep tanaciously focused on who she is and what she represents in her work. She is very shy and skittish about opening up, although we have known each other for years. I understand her trepidation and unlike my other 'friend' whose relationship ended so spectacularly, I do not see her as someone who implodes and pretends...or whatever that whole thing was. But I digress. This entry had nothing to do with anyone in particular, but as I wanted to focus on the next steps I have to make, that person came up because we always talk shop in some way, and she finally got me on the phone, inviting me to a studio visit with her. That conversation came just as I was thinking about 2022 and the things I have set up to get done. So I found her intervention interesting. It literally said to me, this energy is in some way symbiotic. Lol. To me, she has her whole plan and image down pat. For me, I still find my work very broad and also very specific at times. I am now embracing that everything counts and I am also taking on the criticism that my Gallerist gave me about not working enough. Although I do, I just do not share non art based or projects not related to his business with him. What happened for me yesterday felt like a breakthrough because the stream of consciousness that I felt was one where I began to look at my career more succinctly. I think this has also come about because I have been invited to do another talk about my work in early December. Bottom line, you get what you focus on indeed.

oh, and also...

With so many parts of the world burning or flooding and so many people fleeing their countries, I ask myself why can't the planners, architects, billionaires and politicians decide to build permanent structures for the displaced. It seems as though so many people are never going to be able to go home again. Places may just as well be built that are safe and productive for people. Children are growing up in a perminant state of fear, anxiety and poverty. They will not know the first thing about securing their livelihoods? I cannot imagine how a child growing up in a refugee camp can become a productive adult? Surely governments and religious organizations and huge companies can assist in maing such spaces suitable for real life? They can become testing spaces for survival of mankind at our best. Everyone deserves clean water, electricity and good food. Children need to feel safe and they need schooling and play and laughter and hope. This is my thought for today and many, many days.

On my wonderful walk this morning I contemplated some things that went counter to the environment that encouraged the thought. I turned backward and had a moment to observe the valley from a height. In a house nearby, on the patio,the humming birds flitting around hanging containers of watered honey took my breath away. There were so many of them. So, the thought of my behavior a few years ago and most recently with my daughter when I told her a joke about something she was very sensitive about let me to the thought about anger. It came up and it led the way as I walked back down the steep hill of one of the neighboring developments. Anger. Of course very quickly my ex-husband also came to mind and I listened to what and why it caught my attention. Anger can make you less than clear in your judgement. Anger can make someone who in other circumstances may be rational, suddenly irrational. Ok. Yes, and...and I concluded that I am very concerned for what all of mankind is doing right now where that emotion is concerned. Yep, I went from one little germ of a hypothesis to a complete thesis in about a second. There is a court case that I was not taking on really, but the verdict was read yesterday, and I still need more information on it. But that was part of the train....The Rittenhouse verdict. We get angry, we react. We want justice. We become relentless over that deep hurt. It becomes scarring. As I decended the hill, I wondered about a way to demonstrate to others how much anger, rage, hurt, hurts the world? I thought about how we all gang up on persons who commit terrible crimes and we as they say here at home, 'wash our mouths' on the pain of others? It is a controversial thought because as my family and I have experienced being wronged by strangers breaking into our house, I should have no sympathy or empathy at all. Yet I do. I have had to consider where those two young men came from, at the same moment that I feared even considering if they would let us live. It is a damn tough thing to question. Should we turn the other cheek? My thought was more along the lines of rage and hate being something that needs to be discussed with greater understanding. I am writing that coming off like a clarion bell of group verbal abuse does not make any criminal 'better.' Recently I was looking at a series called YOU on Netflix. I was stunned by the premise of it. Particularly one episode where before the title came up, a disclaimer for suicide and a helpful hotline was stated. This series is all about two mass murderers! WHAT! A disclaimer for suicides? What about one for murderers???? Also, why the hell am I watching this series ? How can it be 'entertainment? Is there something wrong with me for being curious with that topic? Anyway, the point I am making here is that I have found in 2021 that for so many issues so many of us come out spouting platitudes like we are all so saintly and that person deserves punishment. I can't help but do a quick calculation down the centuries of how much our behaviour changes nothing. The contradictions that make us human sometimes makes me feel physically ill. I shudder at who we say we are. I don't have the answers, and I know that I shall write more on this as I continue to run it across my mind. But, jeez! I find that there is no honor in criticiing victims and perpetrators...and look at that, that word includes (traitor)waw! Perpetual traitor. No redemption possible in that title. Is there an answer? What solution can we come to? I don't know? I don't know? I only sense that more and more of more of the same does not work.