Exhaustion hits me, yet I am still going on adrenaline. The workshop on Sunday finally happened, and now I can work exclusively on completing the book. I had planned on just starting at ten today. But I think that I should take the day off. I am still so tired...and I am using it to do some research, so I am not not working. However, I also have decided to sometimes work at the hotel next to the apartment sometimes, as I had a meeting there on a new book yesterday. I am grateful for everything coming my way. Its consistency that is necessary. So although I write like this, I am still thinking on the job after that and the things I have to make. It is all good...I love every moment...I just need the finanes to add up and surpass all of the efforts that I put in. April has really leapt away.

A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara

I am in the presence of masterfilled writing. This woman is exceptional with every line of text. Her subject matter, harrowing! Yet, it is easy to push through every one. Doing the Break The Silence workbooks and listening while preparing them, I reached a threshhold. That was a good thing, as the book has gone longer than the project. But the workbooks subject matter of sexual abuse recognizers and the story,I made up my mind very easily. Sexual abuse must end. Simple. It must end and as an Artist, I shall do my part to the best of my ability. I cannot help it. I have an overwhelming opening in my heart that feels like it has spilled over and I just have to yield to the feeling of needing to do something right now and tomorrow and on to forever. Yanagihara writes to tear at the heart. She writes to tell us all that those who experience the plight of men and one in particular forced into sexual relationships he never asked for, that trying to fix them is not possible. The only solution is the most important one, to do no harm. She masterfully re-assures us of the fun and the love and arguments and pettiness and lives of her characters and then BAM something occurs that leads us down dark and murky paths and then we go down them again and again and then when we think we cannot go down another one, we do. I have been wanting to do a papercut video for the longest time. I have stills from of all things, The Candyman. I paused the scenes with the black cutouts until I was satisfied that I had enough to admire the technique. I think about the work of William Kentridge too. I just have to do something about sexual violence and children. Yanagihara pushed me with every single statement she wrote. She is the argument as to why the violence that we experience is so horrific. hurt people hurt people is a good enough bumper sticker. But we all say it and go along our merry way. How can we just turn and walk away? I had a conversation with a fellow Artist and good friend, and I was really passionate. I was asking her, where are all of the powerful female artists on our island? What were they saying? What were they doing? I could not recall anyone doing difficult themes. Or work that made me feel my heart beat fast. I get that from artists from our nearest islands! But not from us! I will change that! I am determined to make hard topics with my soft materials make a difference so great that I never have to ask that question.

While listening to an absolutely fabulous audio book called A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara, so many things are fodder for writing. I am in part three:chapter two. A question is asked between three of the characters about the future. I wondered when the last time was when I just projected my thoughts into that unknown date, just daydreaming like I might have when I was a teenager. I think that I must do it. I am leaving this here for now, so that I can go off and NOT write it just yet, but feel it instead.

Easter season

What a lovely time of year and the time is speeding along. I was surprised when I came to the blog to see that I have not written in so long. Of course so much has happened. One of the things has been juggling two projects and pushing to deadlines that are fast approaching. Then, there is a new found desire to reserach everything textile related, and that has been going apace. There has been a huge loss faced by the Art community in the passing of Geoffrey MacLean.That has been hard, although it just happened a day or two ago. It shall take some time to manage that loss. We here at home are enjoying the season, and mom and I are doing very well together with our decision to spend one day a week on our projects together. I cannot begin to explain the satisfaction of that. We have found so much improvement in approaches to things and plans regarding moving forward. I also am planning to begin something new. I shall write more about it as it unfolds.

My morning walks

One thing about walking in St Anns to Belmont and back is the scenic beauty of it all. I get the opportunity to literally find space between me and my thoughts. The parrots above my head flying low are a delight. Yesterday as we were walking out of the apartment I stopped and looked down to find a delicate pink flower wobbling around. I pointed it out to my daughter. An industrious ant was carrying it along the asphalt pathway. What a way to start the morning. It is the little things that feed the soul.

taking a different tact

An Artist friend I know once told me of how he came to realise that he could not do any other profession. He had found a vanilla delivery job that he had been holding down for some time. Then suddely one day he just could not do it another second. He said that he walked off the premises and never looked back. There is a very popular saying, 'do what you love...the money will follow'...that sounds great, but it is also important to note that as long as love is a job it doesn't mean that every day will be easy, fun or effortless. It just means that your attitude may not be as heavy on such days. For an extremely long time I have wanted to start something, and I have had all sorts of challenges to do so. I am at it again, and I am doing so from a different perspective...............................................................................................................................................another thing is going beyond observing energy. I am now interested as well in seeing the outcome to your own thoughts. The coincidences are just staggering and also poetic.I am truly humbled by their beauty. More to come.

tasting the vine

Already I am learning this year that just bbecause all of the actions of someone may lead to the accurate conclusion, it does not mean that my response need be definative.An example of this is with a colleague whom I can see is challenged by her new promoted state, so she has been playing the game really hard. I can get upset with her, and I did after she did something that was manipulative. I felt it and knew it and it factored into things that I put together from her past actions that now became amplified. However, to my surprise, I chose to acknowledge it, yet let it go because what I got from this was that I am to keep my focus on what I want to do for me. By taking the emphasis off of her, and focusing my intentions back to myself. I had a chance to forgive, forget and be mindful while being grateful for what in that moment seemed like a stumbling block. ..........................................................................the next important thing has been the deciding faster...the awareness of why I have procrastinated with things that matter most to me in the past, and how I am now in a space where I have confronted the reasons and become able to adjust instantly. I have for example known that I should follow up on a call, or get out of a comfort zone to get to something I want...and I hesitate and I take too long...that fear that I can get rejected had been huge. To face yet another no in my mind has made it easy to just be avoidant. It is also strange of me because for other things I do not face such a level of ambivilence at all. In fact I just don't see a problem. I am confident and that's all it takes. I love when I feel that way. When I do, even a rejection does not stall me. I have found that last year and these last twenty-five days, that sense of clarity is so sweet.