Though you are keen to take decisive action on an important matter, the key to success involves approaching your next challenge with quiet confidence, not noisy nervousness. With the right frame of mind, you'll win.
~
I keep saying that somehow this information that I keep getting is uncanny. I can see how people get hooked on it.
I have decided to return to the apartment. It is a big change for me, as I have not spent any time there at all. But it is the right move to make.
I am actually very excited about the move.
It shall send a very clear message to all concerned, and be the jolt that I need to take to go forward with my little one. Once I move, I have to start looking for work in earnest (and I have already begun to do that) and I have to get a car.
That may take some doing. I have never had a car, and I don't even know how to fill one with gas! I have so many things to learn this year that I feel like a twenty- one year old with a child. The great thing is that, it will feel like an adventure, and when things feel that way, you are more interested in enjoying the experience and being present within it, instead of constantly judging your own performance and rating yourself as lacking.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
By the way....
One of the things that helped lead to the ah,ha moment, was the fact that to someone else, my situation is not a problem. I thought about it, hearing someone say to me, "But this isn't a problem," and after that statement, hearing myself as if from on the outside looking in, seeing it all with detachment.
Being able to do that, led my thinking to what has been bothering me specifically, now. My mothers' meddling, while trying to be helpful.
She keeps talking to everyone she knows about my 'situation' so much so that my aunt in Canada had to call me to tell me that my business is all over the street. I expected that that would happen, once I spoke with my mother and her other sister. But hearing those words, really pissed me off.
I spoke to both of them about it, but they haven't stopped talking!
The answer is simple, take control of your life. Thank them for caring, but make it clear that you do not require their opinion, even if you cannot live on your own right away. Don't allow yourself to fall into the parent /child trap and the take care of me, I am needy, poor me trap either.
Do the things that you need to do to get your life in order. it is that simple.
One of the things that helped lead to the ah,ha moment, was the fact that to someone else, my situation is not a problem. I thought about it, hearing someone say to me, "But this isn't a problem," and after that statement, hearing myself as if from on the outside looking in, seeing it all with detachment.
Being able to do that, led my thinking to what has been bothering me specifically, now. My mothers' meddling, while trying to be helpful.
She keeps talking to everyone she knows about my 'situation' so much so that my aunt in Canada had to call me to tell me that my business is all over the street. I expected that that would happen, once I spoke with my mother and her other sister. But hearing those words, really pissed me off.
I spoke to both of them about it, but they haven't stopped talking!
The answer is simple, take control of your life. Thank them for caring, but make it clear that you do not require their opinion, even if you cannot live on your own right away. Don't allow yourself to fall into the parent /child trap and the take care of me, I am needy, poor me trap either.
Do the things that you need to do to get your life in order. it is that simple.
Growing up
What a difference a day makes
I got up this morning in much better spirits, knowing that I am in control of my life. No one is going to make me feel inferior. Yesterday when I sprained my foot, I thought, oh great, "poor me" is looking for the ultimate drama. Preventing me from being able to do what I must do this week! I went to bed convinced that today had to be better than yesterday, and you know what, it is.
Just a shift in consciousness has done this to me, and I have to write about it because I want to show and to know that I will continue to be positive and better and better in my life.
Today, I am so greatful for what I am feeling. This feeling knows that I can control the way things are and will continue to be. By affirming that I shall be fine and that the love of my child shall create for me better and better, makes me feel at last, a fullfilment in my heart - as opposed to the gaping hole I felt yesterday.
I let so many thoughts, opinions and actions intimidate me. It is clear that when I am faced with behavior that is strange to me, my reaction is uaually to shut down and overthink the situation.
I worry myself into a fit, and respond by listening and being advised by others, thinking that they somehow know what is best. Not realizing that I am an adult and my decision is as relevant and moreso, important for me.
I need not apologise for myself. I need not feel weak and unable to cope with what life has given me.
The worst thing that I have been doing is giving over my power to others, and I have been doing it very, very well.
Fortunately, I have been feeling twinges of rebellion...thus the leaving the house and the sprained ankle.
Today I can see so much more clearly, that I am filled with relief because of it. But again, I must learn from this realisation today. Life isn't so simple that such realisation concretizes all of the time. I have been asleep for a long time. It shall take some serious monitoring of myself.
I notice that whenever I feel good, I have something else that happens to floor me, and I mean literally make me freeze. It has been hard. I have felt pulled in every direction. Yet, today, I can see straight and know that the answer for me is to have goals, have my opinions, stand on my own two feet and declare that I shall be better, happier, stronger - and it shall not be a fluke. It shall happen because I finally understand that I am not a victim, I matter.
I got up this morning in much better spirits, knowing that I am in control of my life. No one is going to make me feel inferior. Yesterday when I sprained my foot, I thought, oh great, "poor me" is looking for the ultimate drama. Preventing me from being able to do what I must do this week! I went to bed convinced that today had to be better than yesterday, and you know what, it is.
Just a shift in consciousness has done this to me, and I have to write about it because I want to show and to know that I will continue to be positive and better and better in my life.
Today, I am so greatful for what I am feeling. This feeling knows that I can control the way things are and will continue to be. By affirming that I shall be fine and that the love of my child shall create for me better and better, makes me feel at last, a fullfilment in my heart - as opposed to the gaping hole I felt yesterday.
I let so many thoughts, opinions and actions intimidate me. It is clear that when I am faced with behavior that is strange to me, my reaction is uaually to shut down and overthink the situation.
I worry myself into a fit, and respond by listening and being advised by others, thinking that they somehow know what is best. Not realizing that I am an adult and my decision is as relevant and moreso, important for me.
I need not apologise for myself. I need not feel weak and unable to cope with what life has given me.
The worst thing that I have been doing is giving over my power to others, and I have been doing it very, very well.
Fortunately, I have been feeling twinges of rebellion...thus the leaving the house and the sprained ankle.
Today I can see so much more clearly, that I am filled with relief because of it. But again, I must learn from this realisation today. Life isn't so simple that such realisation concretizes all of the time. I have been asleep for a long time. It shall take some serious monitoring of myself.
I notice that whenever I feel good, I have something else that happens to floor me, and I mean literally make me freeze. It has been hard. I have felt pulled in every direction. Yet, today, I can see straight and know that the answer for me is to have goals, have my opinions, stand on my own two feet and declare that I shall be better, happier, stronger - and it shall not be a fluke. It shall happen because I finally understand that I am not a victim, I matter.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
sad feelings that make stoicism questionable
For many years and all of my married life, my husband would lean on me whenever he travelled. He would get nervous or anxious about leaving to go away, wondering whether he would have a good time. He would always want me to give him a little pep talk or some other gesture before he went out the door or boarded a plane. For this trip he's just taken, I received a text message. But it wasn't for a pep talk. It was just a note about a job that I could look into. A job that I was going to check out on my own anyway. This gesture of his got me strangely sentimental, and tonight I wanted to post about it.
With all of the wrangling over what I should and shouldn't do, and our little one being made to balance in the middle, I cannot help but feel a bit fatigued by all of the unnecessary emotion that has been put forth.
The irony is that none of it shall be going away any time soon. But tonight, I somhow managed to feel a moment of love in my heart from him - even though I am reading way too much into the gesture.
I am fully aware that the gesture is there purely so that he can continue to shirk his responsibilities.
I have gone through so much in the last few weeks! It has been very,very hard. It has made being in the hospital look as though I was at the Ritz.
Yet somehow, I also know that all of this shall end and I shall be better in the end.
I know it.
For many years and all of my married life, my husband would lean on me whenever he travelled. He would get nervous or anxious about leaving to go away, wondering whether he would have a good time. He would always want me to give him a little pep talk or some other gesture before he went out the door or boarded a plane. For this trip he's just taken, I received a text message. But it wasn't for a pep talk. It was just a note about a job that I could look into. A job that I was going to check out on my own anyway. This gesture of his got me strangely sentimental, and tonight I wanted to post about it.
With all of the wrangling over what I should and shouldn't do, and our little one being made to balance in the middle, I cannot help but feel a bit fatigued by all of the unnecessary emotion that has been put forth.
The irony is that none of it shall be going away any time soon. But tonight, I somhow managed to feel a moment of love in my heart from him - even though I am reading way too much into the gesture.
I am fully aware that the gesture is there purely so that he can continue to shirk his responsibilities.
I have gone through so much in the last few weeks! It has been very,very hard. It has made being in the hospital look as though I was at the Ritz.
Yet somehow, I also know that all of this shall end and I shall be better in the end.
I know it.
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