my ZEN week

My life feels like I am getting into areas that are uncharted for me. I had a serious moment of reflection about everything that I am doing for a living. This has now expanded to the meeting that I had today.
There seems not to be anything that isn't forcing me to look at things differently.
I have had a year to see what isn't working, and now I need to experience better and better.

He sent me this...

It is again midnight here...

what do i do with it, all hanging loose.

as if a tumultuous void...
awaiting the storm.

the mind runs loose and
there are no destinations.

the waiting lingers...
and so does the unending night.

if the poet was born this day,
it was certainly not the most auspicious time.

2008 thoughts

As the year comes to an end, I feel as though I have been giving myself the year to aquaint myself with divorce, and now that I have, I now must go forward in earnest.
I was in my bed, and I was thinking about what I need to do in 2009 and beyond. The way I was thinking about it, had more of a sense of insistance than times past. I found myself asking for concrete answers. These answers I shall post ofline in my diary.
The year has brought such change for me. But what I have learnt most of all, is that, I did not fall apart. I stood right up and began to make something of myself.
I am so fortunate that I have always had my interest at heart, and I have also always had something to do that takes up my passion. That has indeed been helpful
It has also been a year where not getting what you want has been the cautionary tale. On the one hand, I reconnected with someone whom I feel deeply for, but they are hesitant and sending many mixed signals. Then on the other hand, a younger man, a very nice, and handsome guy has been slowly pursuing me, and I do not have those feelings for him.
These mild flirtations have been a helpful salve at a time when old feelings stir up constantly.
It has also been a time for much self reflection. I have had to think on one salary and really, not a salary at all, but savings.Oddly enough, my confronting money in this way has not made me worry more about what I have to do. I understaqnd that there is only so much that can be done, and my objective is to do my best at all times.

YES, I can

I have been observing how much being positive and optimistic is so very important. In fact, it is more than important, it is necessary to be able to have a good life.
I realise now the sharp contrast between it and thinking negatively.
When you feel good, you can think in a way that frees up so much. When you are negative, you clog up your vision.

The Barack Obama win has done something to me, where I now find myself more mindful of the way that I think and project myself. I am seeing the value of having a goal and going after it. I wake up every day, and incrementally, I see myself moving forward positively.
I was telling my mother a few days ago that I want us to practice every day to see and think the way we want to live and not focus on anything otherwise.
The reason that I am suggesting this, is because, when I think this way, I feel so liberated. When I choose to not take part in negative speculation, I feel as though I am breaking the old molds that life as it was has perpetuated.
Only a few days ago, I saw how distructive it is to worry about money, when what you do in the present is worry for the future that has not been created as yet.
I know that I do not want my child growing up, thniking that her mind is a prison and her life can only go according to limitations set by her surroundings.
Tonight is was brought home again to me, when a friend told me about three people I know who are doing very well on mind alone. These people have very little to show for their success other than pure drive, and that is very admirable indeed.
It is a reminder to nurture your dream.

Over the last few months I have been much more aware of the answers or I should say, statements that I hear when I am vigilant. Today was a good one. They happen every day and as long as I am listening, I hear something that is always very helpful.
Today it was the fact that it is important to not be caught up in the world.
The media is painting the world as a very scary place with no beauty or joy in it.
You walk outside and you see people smiling and walking with their children, people driving in their cars, and although it is I suppose, necessary to know about the world economic crisis...the world still has to go on, and there is much more to life than all of that.

Of course that is easy to say if you can cover your bills, and not easy to say when you can't.

But as I heard today, there is so much good in the world, still. People helping others in ways that make your heart glad, and that has to be the way to think and to go.

Feeling good

The Obama win has really impacted the world. It is an important moment. I have never experienced anything like that in my lifetime. It was amazing. I love how inspiring he is. He seems really refreshing. You can see that mankind does not have to live in the old constructs, and that passing through them, to a new phase is not only do-able, but essential.
I admire how he stayed focused and controlled, and the way that he transcended race and petty politics.
I love the way that he looks at his wife and his children with obvious, unabashed love and commitment. I love the fact that he is not a cliche. There is so much to read, and read positively about this new leader from America.
The whole world rallied to his aid, everyone in the world seemed to want him to succeed. What a tide of goodwill and support. But also, he in turn, and his team, where able to make us in the world feel better about America and even about ourselves.
Whatever the next four years shall bring, this moment shall never be forgotten, and this shall be least of all because America elected a black president, but because America chose an enlightened leader for all of the peoples of the world to follow.

I think I got it! By Jove

Another day goes by and as I grow away from the tantrum of Saturday, I realise what I was doing. I know that i was venting, but what did it say about me? I was behaving like a child? I wanted to blame someone for how I was feeling.

Now that I am single again, I realise that when I feel a certain way, I literally have no one to bounce my feeling off of. So naturally, the sound reverberates around me and I am faced with it head on.

What I am doing is simply, "Growing Up!"

Every time that I vent as I have, i am saying that I do not feel in control of my world. I feel unsure about relying on myself.

I would say that that is pretty big growthwise!

When I finally stand in my truth and know that I am all that I need...as I move towards the things that I do want, well, then I will find the need to vent as I have, much less, or at least I will be able to see it for what it is and nip it in the bud.

clarity is the morning

The clear headedness of the morning has me feeling energized. I am listening to myself this morning, and feeling much happier with myself.

What I am getting is this...
This is about you. Make the life that you want for yourself and stop thinking about the things outside of yourself that you cannot and frankly should not control.

This week I think that I shall take my little sweety~pie and have a picnic at the end of the street, under the big tree.

~

I feel much better.

~

remember . . . you choose what you want to experience at all times.

that struck me today, as I was having an emotional time of it. I just set myself off on something that bothered me about my ex a few days ago. I was speaking to my closest friend and the only person whom I confide in, and I got upset.
Naturally there was very little that my friend could say to make me feel any better. In fact to expect him to be able to do so was very selfish of me.
I knew that I could not depend on anything really to make me feel better, other than sitting with the feeling and doing the soul searching, and then this afternoon's visit to the person that does my hair, gave me the answer that I sought.

She was talking about the person who usually does my hair and said the words.

"You are responsible for how you lead your life."
That wrang a bell with me right away.

I am letting myself have these feelings... after all, he just does and acts as he is want to do, and I in turn have my reactions.
I can choose to have the typical reactions, or I can choose to think and act differently.
I am amazed that on the one hand, I can be the person who can shut down something that can be very emotional and move on and on the other hand, I am having so many problems with this situation.

I can think that it is the history. Or maybe it is my ego? Or it can be both!

I really feel rejected, and disliked, and I have a serious problem with feeling that way. I really do like being liked.

I JUST HAVE TO GET OVER THAT! Also maybe I should ask myself, why do I still seek the approval of someone who was unkind to me? That smacks of abuse!

It is very odd for me to be a party to someone who does not treat me well, or as a special, meaningful person in their lives.
This dislike bothers me.
I feel wronged. I was wronged.
I do not even know whether admitting this feeling is helpful? I may just be trodding on the same ground for the millionth time!

I do not think that i am perfect or anything like that, but this sharp separation is still hard for me nearly six months later!

When am I going to heal?
How long is this going to take?
Sheesh!

I did the right thing, I had to get out of the situation. It is that simple.
So what am I beating myself up about this for? Why do I continue to go over this matter?

Yes, I am sad, disappointed, hurt, betrayed...yadda,yadda!

I think that I need to do somethings for myself that is off the beaten track, maybe that shall help me get passed all of this silliness.