remember . . . you choose what you want to experience at all times.

that struck me today, as I was having an emotional time of it. I just set myself off on something that bothered me about my ex a few days ago. I was speaking to my closest friend and the only person whom I confide in, and I got upset.
Naturally there was very little that my friend could say to make me feel any better. In fact to expect him to be able to do so was very selfish of me.
I knew that I could not depend on anything really to make me feel better, other than sitting with the feeling and doing the soul searching, and then this afternoon's visit to the person that does my hair, gave me the answer that I sought.

She was talking about the person who usually does my hair and said the words.

"You are responsible for how you lead your life."
That wrang a bell with me right away.

I am letting myself have these feelings... after all, he just does and acts as he is want to do, and I in turn have my reactions.
I can choose to have the typical reactions, or I can choose to think and act differently.
I am amazed that on the one hand, I can be the person who can shut down something that can be very emotional and move on and on the other hand, I am having so many problems with this situation.

I can think that it is the history. Or maybe it is my ego? Or it can be both!

I really feel rejected, and disliked, and I have a serious problem with feeling that way. I really do like being liked.

I JUST HAVE TO GET OVER THAT! Also maybe I should ask myself, why do I still seek the approval of someone who was unkind to me? That smacks of abuse!

It is very odd for me to be a party to someone who does not treat me well, or as a special, meaningful person in their lives.
This dislike bothers me.
I feel wronged. I was wronged.
I do not even know whether admitting this feeling is helpful? I may just be trodding on the same ground for the millionth time!

I do not think that i am perfect or anything like that, but this sharp separation is still hard for me nearly six months later!

When am I going to heal?
How long is this going to take?
Sheesh!

I did the right thing, I had to get out of the situation. It is that simple.
So what am I beating myself up about this for? Why do I continue to go over this matter?

Yes, I am sad, disappointed, hurt, betrayed...yadda,yadda!

I think that I need to do somethings for myself that is off the beaten track, maybe that shall help me get passed all of this silliness.