Last night my cousin called and we had quite a long talk. He asked me again the question of what I want to do? This year I felt very gung-ho about starting something new, and then the wind in my sails was clipped when my business partner died.
However, at this time of year this question is very apropo. I am back on the page where I am looking at what I wanted to do again.
I see that the point is to start. I have one project in mind already, and another one in the works too. Neither are necessarily about money, but they will be attention getting things in some way. I think that my objective is to just create the work and the rest shall fall into place.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
In Reading Over
I thought that I should look at some of the things that occupied my thoughts this year, and realised that I have not written about the latest with my ex huband.
The councellor we had gone to had annoyed me, because she ' to my mind' seemed to be asking me to compromise to move forward. However, at the end of the day, I came to the conclusion that if I were to really progress, I would have to let many things that urk me, go. I just had to forgive and move on.
During this time, he decided that he would go to Canada. He has been there since the end of September and he has decided that he is not willing to look for some low paying, blue collar job. He decided this last month, and ever since, he has not even tried to look for anything at all. He has also not applied for our daughters' PR card or seen to renewing his own.
His about face about Canada is much more staggering in nature than I could have expected. When I was married to him, I thought that his going would help him to see how important what he was doing here in his own country is for him. Yet, I did not expect that he would fold so quickly and so easily. I have to do my best to not compare his attitude to my going and his attitude to his going.
He did write me an email apology for having believed that when I had gone that I was not trying hard enough. I appreciate that, because I did try hard and clearly, I tried harder than he did.
To look back and compare, and to know that so much of our lives has been spent in the futile attempt to argue who is right or who is smart.
What was it all for?
I thought that I should look at some of the things that occupied my thoughts this year, and realised that I have not written about the latest with my ex huband.
The councellor we had gone to had annoyed me, because she ' to my mind' seemed to be asking me to compromise to move forward. However, at the end of the day, I came to the conclusion that if I were to really progress, I would have to let many things that urk me, go. I just had to forgive and move on.
During this time, he decided that he would go to Canada. He has been there since the end of September and he has decided that he is not willing to look for some low paying, blue collar job. He decided this last month, and ever since, he has not even tried to look for anything at all. He has also not applied for our daughters' PR card or seen to renewing his own.
His about face about Canada is much more staggering in nature than I could have expected. When I was married to him, I thought that his going would help him to see how important what he was doing here in his own country is for him. Yet, I did not expect that he would fold so quickly and so easily. I have to do my best to not compare his attitude to my going and his attitude to his going.
He did write me an email apology for having believed that when I had gone that I was not trying hard enough. I appreciate that, because I did try hard and clearly, I tried harder than he did.
To look back and compare, and to know that so much of our lives has been spent in the futile attempt to argue who is right or who is smart.
What was it all for?
more thinking...
What an interesting thing it is to experience a tumult of feelings back to back that encourage you to think several things on one topic over a forty-eight hour period.
After our talk, I felt comfortable and even happy that we had reached what I thought was a consensus.
Then, I began to feel a sense of loss and even a bit of pique when I mulled over some of what was said.
Even later, I chose to conclude that I had something to learn from the whole thing. Then after I felt that I had closed that page, it started up all over again.
What I got from all of this, is to take a look at what I want and how I affect myself. This time, I come prepared with the knowing that I am standing strong. It does not mean that my ego is completely behaving...because I cannot deny that a small part of me is saying that I know that this is how it will always go down.
What I am getting this time is that I am in a control of the situation that has nothing to do with ego but with looking above what should happen to what can be better in the end, even if I might slip again...and slip because I am not going to lie, I feel him.
What an interesting thing it is to experience a tumult of feelings back to back that encourage you to think several things on one topic over a forty-eight hour period.
After our talk, I felt comfortable and even happy that we had reached what I thought was a consensus.
Then, I began to feel a sense of loss and even a bit of pique when I mulled over some of what was said.
Even later, I chose to conclude that I had something to learn from the whole thing. Then after I felt that I had closed that page, it started up all over again.
What I got from all of this, is to take a look at what I want and how I affect myself. This time, I come prepared with the knowing that I am standing strong. It does not mean that my ego is completely behaving...because I cannot deny that a small part of me is saying that I know that this is how it will always go down.
What I am getting this time is that I am in a control of the situation that has nothing to do with ego but with looking above what should happen to what can be better in the end, even if I might slip again...and slip because I am not going to lie, I feel him.
Monday, December 20, 2010
The feeling sorries really kicked my ass earlier today. I felt and thought some really low things. I was really marvelling at the degree to which I felt it necessary to torture myself.
What brought me back to myself? As my friend Stephen said, start thinking of better and also of what you have done in the past, that straightened me out.
What brought me back to myself? As my friend Stephen said, start thinking of better and also of what you have done in the past, that straightened me out.
It has been awhile since I last put my thoughts down here. I find myself here today because I am feeling emotionally out of sorts. This year I had a moment where I acted in a certain way, although I knew that I was better off not pursuing the whole thing.
I did it because I wanted to feel and to be in the situation. The person was there to make me feel that I was receiving certain attention and love, and I had missed this so much in my life.
Last week we finally had a serious talk and decided that it could not go any further. I always knew this, but I still took it on. Why? I shudder to think that loneliness could be the answer. In fact the answer is more than that I am sure. For I know that we mirror each other, and if I am going through this mental anguish that I am causing myself, I know the other person enough to know that I am not alone.
I just wanted to know that this
Christmas there was someone in my life who wants the same things that I do. All of this sounds hokey and I feel embarressed to admit that I need someone in my life, and that I miss love and I miss sex and I miss intimacy. I am at such wits end with myself that I just had to get to this diary to write because of how emotional I feel I am.
These feelings come also because I am feeling as though everyone else is doing something and enjoying their lives, and I miss my closest friend, and now this littel dalliance has just left me disappointed.
I did it because I wanted to feel and to be in the situation. The person was there to make me feel that I was receiving certain attention and love, and I had missed this so much in my life.
Last week we finally had a serious talk and decided that it could not go any further. I always knew this, but I still took it on. Why? I shudder to think that loneliness could be the answer. In fact the answer is more than that I am sure. For I know that we mirror each other, and if I am going through this mental anguish that I am causing myself, I know the other person enough to know that I am not alone.
I just wanted to know that this
Christmas there was someone in my life who wants the same things that I do. All of this sounds hokey and I feel embarressed to admit that I need someone in my life, and that I miss love and I miss sex and I miss intimacy. I am at such wits end with myself that I just had to get to this diary to write because of how emotional I feel I am.
These feelings come also because I am feeling as though everyone else is doing something and enjoying their lives, and I miss my closest friend, and now this littel dalliance has just left me disappointed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)