contemplation

This evening leaves me contemplating some aspects of my life that I am trying to make sense of. I find that I think on my past relationship and wonder about why it is that I vascilate about how I feel about it? Perhaps it is normal, but I do wonder on the one hand, if things were different, and I do miss one or two things. Then I quickly get drawn back to reality by all that happened to me.
I do not want that back, but I would so like to find closure by being able to be friends, but this does not seem possible.
I feel this way because to me, the whole thing seems so messy, and I want to order it. I think that that speaks volumes about me. I know I should just leave this alone. It is the only thing to do really.
It is just difficult to live with a 'what if' and to regret. There is an obvious sadness. I suppose that I just needed to say this tonight. By just writing it, I have cleared out my thoughts a bit.
Then there is the back and forth about other experiences.On the one hand, liking what may happen or can happen, but what about what I want in the long run? Or should I just be happy with the present?
The answer may simply be to strike out for something new. That may be all that I really need to do.