The vacuum

From time to time I think that it takes me too long to learn. But the question may be, too long to learn what? For when something is known that helps change how you handle information, it never seems too late. I have been readi g a great deal about the mind and particularly the ego. It has been an unexpected comfort, as much of human behavior from what I am gathering...nature, nurture... Ways we all choose to respond to life in accordance with indoctrination of some kind, helps me to see that much of our patterns are predictable. This fact makes thinking a fraction differently very freeing. Over the last few years I have kept a flame burning for my ex husband. I have also kept it flickering for my other ex, and for frequent flyer. I have had these people all in hand, juggling the possibilities that one might pan out and proofs to be the one for me. Then came The Towers and somehow, I realized that I had created a vacuum in my life, not going forward, not really committing. Not doing much of anything. My life was reading that way all around. I had to do something. At the very least, I had to acknowledge that I was going nowhere but getting traction from it. Then the most amazing thing happened, all that I was holding onto, just fell away. I let go. It even felt like a relief. I was being held together by a series of constructs that no longer served me. Now, I am looking anew from a place with my mind and heart open.

Focus is everything, it can pull you toward or away from whatever it is that you feel you must be doing at a given time. I have seen over the years how a simple adjustment in my vision can help or hinder me in. My desire to do something. Of late I have been more and more mindful of solving the way I achieve things in my life. I have been like most people who set out to follow a known and hidden sense of what life should be about. Before you know it you have spent years living a certain way, fitting into a system that seems to work. It gets you on a treadmill that you feel relatively comfortable in because everyone else is doing it in various degrees. So, now what? You want to rock the boat, you want to be a different sort of money maker, parent, lover, woman, whatever... How to do it in this construct? Is it too late? So much time has already been spent? So much...

Bemusement

Today I was giving much thought to my year. I have spent what to me are some rough times emotionally, going over and over some rocky ground that left me feeling so much disappointment. Who wants to feel that way? The irony is also that I have a friend who has gone through something along the lines of one of my experiences, and she has leaned on me tremendously over the last few months, laying all of her emotions on the line, over and over again I have reassured her of her power, her value, her strengths, and that she deserves so much better for herself. This led me to ask, why are we programmed the way that we are sometimes? Why do we put into our minds at a certain age that this man that is smiling with us, engaging us, looking at us like a meal on legs is THE ONE?! It is almost laughable when you think about it.
I have always felt that men get too much credit, and actually, the whole love thing isn't about them at all. Do not make yourself a prize for a man. Develop yourself because you deserve to nurture a secure, strong, beautiful self. So that when you meet a man, he should want to naturally strive to be your complement...as a dear friend of mine says "anything less would be uncivilized."
Also, I see the poor me archetype rearing it's nasty little head at me. Here is vintage poor me, why did this have to happen to me? I could do that, or I can pick myself up and say, ok, I made mistakes, I wanted and hoped that the fairytale could come true...but I was off the mark, but you know what, I shall pick myself up, keep believing in myself, nurturing myself, being my cheering squad, loving myself and moving right on. Now that makes sense.

What a dichotomy,it threw me for a loop for some time. But now I can write about it in the fullness of time. I had thought that I had met someone who might become something special, but little nudges kept cropping up that suggested that things were not right. What was interesting was that in every way, The Towers looked ideal for me. But the little things were the issues that kept cropping up. They kept nagging at me. So you can imagine, several weeks ago, he had sent me a note wanting to see me, and I never got it, instead I got a message from him the next day, less happy about what he wanted to experience. Naturally I did not know about the why, so I got a big lecture about his wanting to have more of my attention. I found the whole reveal surprising,but I took it as an opportunity to see how well we communicated, particularly if we were disagreeing about something. I actually took the time and proceeded to take a whole day out of my schedule and spent it with him. The next week,it seemed like the understanding was forgotten, and yet again, i felt like, straight questions met no sensible answers, and worst of all, I could fell easily that he just was not on the same wavelength with me. To me, it is normal to get an answer to a question, unless it is deeply personal or you don't know what to say...also, for someone who had spent so much time talking with me, seeming to be making overtures towards me, it all felt like so much work. There was an inking of passive/ aggressiveness, and it was not like I was expecting perfection, but equally, I certainly was not expecting that every time I felt that we were getting somewhere, I had to start again with simple things. I just had to let it go. I suggested friendship, but he told me that that would be too challenging. WTF! Then ok, we had two projects to do, we could just be colleagues. He agreed and then blew me off for our first meeting. It was then that I threw up my hands and called it a day. It baffled me, why pursue me so long, only to send mixed signals when we finally interacted? I may never know. What I do know, is that this is the best decision for me.