The world as it stands

What a revelation I have received this week. I have found myself in court, representing myself and seeing the underbelly of the system. Everything about the world at this moment in my mind is upside down.having to find myself in the system has done nothing but aggravate and disappoint me. In the last few years, every form of " upper educated" professional in my country has proven to be a complete waste of time. I am so underwhelmed by it all, and I see no way out. I am not completely discontent though, and that is a miracle. The reason that I am not completely feeling defeat, is because I am standing inside it all, confidant in myself. I know that I am not crazy and that this too shall come to an end. I have my profession to fall back on, and I am so very grateful for it, because through it, I am able to make sense of the nonsense. I have friends who have come forward in my life and shown me that I can trust again, and most of all, I have me.

Expectations

There are times when no matter how much you know, you feel a bit down. I know enough now to understand how to work with that feeling when it comes. I have some ideas that I know I shall enjoy bringing into reality. But I am impatient to see them happen. This may mean making some small sacrifices, like staying up a bit later, or going to bed a bit earlier, so that I can get them done. One or two large projects have simply stalled, and I do not know what else to do to get them back on track. I know that I should not worry about that, because when they begin, they shall require all of my ability, energy and time. So, why am I down? I can easily fill my time with the things I want to do. What do I feel is missing.....ah, I am getting very close to what is bothering me by asking that indeed. I feel as though all I have done is make mistakes. Miss the mark, not achieve what I set out to achieve in some parts of my life. I feel tired when I think about it right now. I do not see results that make me feel good about things. Perhaps if I think of the future for a moment that may help? No....that does not help. It is best to stay in the present and focus on what I am feeling. Regret. Sadness. I would like things to get better. I would really like them to get dramatically better actually. To get better in tiny increments does not seem to be the way to go in my mind at the moment. I would like to see big, better for a change. I feel this way because the tiny betters seem to feel like one step forward proceeded by ten steps back and I am fed up with that. I am complaining, and complaining is all about learned helplessness. Ok, so I feel a sense of defeat. I have to accept this for what it is and I have to know that it is only this moment, here that feels unhappy. My little ones face just popped into my head. Now, that did a great deal right there. That is helpful...it brought with it some other happy memories. I am definitely grateful for that. ..................... Message to self: Take things in stride. Count my blessings. See whatever I do not think I have achieved as somehow right for me at the moment and something to look forward to. Enjoy the process.

Here's the thing...

Another court matter looms. It is the same argument going on now for five, maybe six years. I felt a bit stressed about it tonight, although I have been doing whatever I could to be not just optimistic, but to reverse the matter in my thoughts. I felt that sense of concern crep up on me like a cold hand. But I was able to look at the feeling squarely. First, acknowledging that to feel a bit overwhelmed and upset is only normal. Then, to look beyond the moment to a place that is neutral and then focus onto things that are working for me,is what I chose to do. Writing now, a bit if both feelings are being straddled. I am tired, and a good night sleep is what I need now. I shall be ( right as rain ) I feel conscious that a solution shall present itself that shall work in my favor. This shall pass and be replaced by harmony in my life.