Thank you

I am so over all of the people I obseessed about. When I think about it, it seems really embarrassing. But, it was how I felt for a good number of years. It defined how I viewed romance and even sex. It seemed so external, the person appeared to represent what romance was or could be. I have to acknowledge an indoctrination. I remember asking a friend what she thought about a boyfriend I had when we were in our early twenties. I remember her asking me why I saught her approval. At the time, I had a great come back answer, I stated that she had asked me the same,many that it was normal to want ones friends to like the boyfriend one picked because of all the time that would be spent with each other's friends. I am not writing this this morning to criticize myself, but to observe how dramatically some things change. My last encounter, I stopped it cold because I realised that I was following expectations that were not really mine exclusively, and the person could not be even remotely what I would ultimately want, even though so many things make us compatible.this is a major thing for me, because I had to confront the possibility that I was not moving forward because I might be still hung up on my ex-husband. I now know that what I was actually doing was growing closer to myself and my idea of intimacy, and in a way, I mean an intimacy with myself. The men all had something that captured my interest, of course. Now that I think about it, I believe that a large part of compatability lies in someone saying, me too, I like that too, or finishing your sentence or laughing at your jokes...those things make you feel a closeness and as though that person is so much like you...after all, they like the same things, but they are apart from you. That is where projecting starts. You are always looking for yourself within another person. When they click with you, you are projecting your most favorable traits. When they war with you, they are connecting your most challenged issues back to yourself...because it is always, always...YOU. You fall in love with your reflection. So in a way, everyone is homosexual. Lol. My neutrality on those people that I inprinted my affection onto, could have gone on forever, but it has ended because I have challenged it. I felt it's faulse facade, it's weakening walls,as it were. I think it became apparent when I chose to pull back my expectations and observe the people individually for themselves. Who was really pushing an ideology forward? Who was really trying to work on something lasting? No one! Not really. This was most acute with frequent flyer who made me feel that he was making a big step and then just stopped talking to me about it, and never saught to tell me anything. That one is really awful. There is a wonderful saying by Bob Marley about playing with a woman's feelings and then not really wanting the woman at all. It really did a number on my ego. But on closer observation, I have experienced a lot of that. Men who tell me all the right things, appeared to be part of my mirror, but really, they had no fortitude to save their lives. I asked myself for a long time, did I create that scenario? Was I sub-consciously sabotaging my good? I thought that I might have been? But that was only the tip of the proverbial iceberg. I was creating a pattern based on my own Mirror...a deeper archetype as it were. One where I set up an admiration, not the pedestal that I have to my ex-husband, but one none the less, because I held my breath and expected them to be beguiled,to want to form something more concrete with me, although I knew that somewhere down the line, they would not satisfy my real expectations. They wouldn't because the dynamic has always been as my child mentioned to me today... A superficial one..a gut reaction..an alleged chemistry. All of this needs to be looked at even more closely. Now that I know that I am no longer tethering myself to something that is so shallow, even though it lasted over a decade, I am now more interested in seeing what this breakthrough will do for me.