Triumph

It has been a long road, but this time, it is set off on with me feeling truely that what is up ahead is set up by me. For so very long, I looked at life from a place of pessimism. I did not intend it. But there it was. So I would make plans, make great, detailed lists. Always hopeful, but deep down, I would be Squamish, I would be doubting. It took as I said, a very long time to move beyond that. It took lots of reading spiritual books, articles and notes I have made over the years to get here. It took disappointments, it took having good things happen. It took my observations of what was going on in my life. Not just writing about it, but analyzing what I was feeling. It took many low feelings. It took grief. It took pains of all types. It also took great anger, despair and need for rest. I am so happy to finally know that my journey is mine. So what this says now is this....L I F E. I. S. B. E. A. U. T. I. F. U. L. My interest now is to watch myself think and believe that I am in control and then watch how life unfolds. This does not mean that I do nothing. I have my goals. Over the last few months, my list is my goals that I write over and over again. I do this to keep it at the forefront of my mind. I stray...I focus on my goals. The focus is extremely helpful now, as what is focused on does promote more such focus. I see and feel the pleasure down to my bones. my timeing is getting better. Stronger. The mist is clearing. I can see way beyond whatever the fuck was keeping me stuck. Mute. Paralyzed with fear. Once. Once, I needed a label to put on what I wanted to be doing. I kept looking for validation. Even when I was making things independently. There was a want for approval. Thank goodness I had the instinct to create anyway. Thank goodness it was always inside me.