Wants, wants and needs

My child wanted to hang out with her cousin, so I let her, although it's a school night. I think that bonding is important. When she is a teenager, she will be close to that cousin when she might feel that she cannot talk to me. Life flies by. Each decade brings with it so many variables. Yet one must endeavor to embrace it all. Two people I know have already achieved their goals for the year. I was thinking about my own bucket list. I don't even remember some of the things I set out to do. I love lists, but now, I hesitate. I have made so many over the years....I shall indulge myself nonetheless. . . . . . 1. A week at a Caribbean hotel where massage, sauna and hot tub are available. 2. A catamaran adventure for ten days to The Grenadines. 3. Naked swimming. 4. Beach house with private chef. 5. Fresh flowers all over the house. 6. Two weeks of nothing but the healthiest meals and drinks possible...with yoga and meditative music and great company. 7. No financial concerns to think about. 8. A dinner on the beach with friends with a fresh catch of fish and great wine. 9. An indoor swing and daybed swing with lots of comfy pillows. 10. A bath under a natural waterfall. 11. Lazy, beautiful days without a care in the world. 12. Excellent companionship. 13. Lots of laughs and exceptional conversations. 14. Beautiful crafted items designed just for me. 15. I am a muse to many. 16. My own signature fragrance. 17. My style...distinctive, elegant, sensual, playful and always impeccable. 18. Beautiful books, journals, art, furniture, Crystal, linens... 19. Travel, travel, travel 20. All of this happening.

The centre is the heart

More and more I am aware, the way one is conscious of a heavy weight, of the power of thoughts on reality. A friend of mine and I had said for years that we were trying to actually see how energies work. It is so funny, you wonder about a thing and one day, it is clear as day. It even sounds odd to state, for surely energies are most obvious. But that is actually not as clear as all of that theoretical knowledge. A reason for God becomes apparent when one tries to hold all of these subtle bodies in the mind. There is the behavior you do not even realize you are internalizing from your family. The is who you think you are. There is the society around you. You are an onion, multi-layered. .................................................... Everything is sound and distraction. I have wondered about past people's, how did they make sense of their world, but I am just the same. Sense is all relative. Thought passes so slowly in the greater scheme of things. What do we actually know? How long will we live? Is our very planet the cause of all that kills us eventually? Have we humans made up everything we know? .................................................... I think that Buddhism is very helpful in this present world. What is the point of worrying about anything? .................................................... Every doubt has been felt, every question has been answered. What is known is that nothing is known. Lol. We are probably both puppet and master at once.

Everyone isn't ready

My experience begs the question of readiness. I was speaking with my sister, and a friend of hers, and I was taken by how much we put out into the man/woman relationship dynamic, and how much is mis-interpreted or just ends up being screwy. For me though,I am minding my own business, and now focusing on enjoying building my best self. The right person will come into my life in good time. I have been so lucky. I have known love so well. I know real from fake. If someone likes you, they call....they ACT on liking you. They make the effort. In fact, what effort? They want to give of themself. it is that simple. There is no need for excuses, half truths and challenges. That does not exist when real feelings are in play. Real love does not feel that lying, false representation, fear of the others opinion and doubt have to be in the mix, so you cannot be yourself. Corinthians is correct about love. I have no reason to second guess myself when I do not feel something that I am supposed to feel. I cannot feel something that just is not there. I really like that I am finally hearing myself again. There was a time when I was so bereft, so forlorn that I felt that it was impossible to even peel back one thin layer of who I had become to please and pas sift others. I remember that I had been reading some magazine and a question came up and I could not answer how I really felt or wanted. It was as though I had a big physical block...and I certainly did at the time. I could recite the things that I arbitrarily wrote as lists. But real questions like what do I need to be happy right now? Now that sort of thing seemed hard to answer. It took time to get that out of me. I compromised so much.Now I know that I have grown tremendously.

What a difference

Where do I even begin? Finally Frequent Flyer and I met. I believe that the last time that we saw each other in person was about two years ago. What a difference time can make when one has to come to terms about feelings. I can state categorically that I have transitioned from what it had meant to me. I will always care about him. But this visit showed me how far I have come. Even my stating here that I will always care, does not feel the way I have usually said it about someone I have an emotional attachment to. I say this, this time in a pragmatic way. My dear friend is behaving in a very similar way to my ex. Not only women carry around a huge measure of the martyr complex. His suffering is as plain as day and I do not know whether he can last a week, month or ten more years! But that is HIS choice. I no longer see myself as having any part of that choice of his. I really do appreciate it as well, because, as happens when you learn something important. I cannot fathom now how I could ever have even believed that it could ever be more? Of that, I am truly grateful. He made promises that he could never have kept and I am so grateful that I acted as I have all these years!

Reading over some of my old entries,one of the things that stands out is what I remember against what I wrote, and in hindsight, some of my writing over the years is based so much on strong feelings I held. I came to this space to make sense of my relationships. Today, I have come a long way from that. I also saw how I made certain decisions and saw them through, or took a bit of time to see them through. It felt good reading them tonight,as I now realize that although I write so much, I do hold on to many of my feelings, making really tough judgements on my character, although I may not show it. But it is there, and I know that it does not just happen to me. It is a pattern of behavior that we all deal with. I think that I shall start writing yadda, yadda when I know that I am holding forth in a very pretentious way that I do instead of focusing on my real feelings. In my readings,I was quite surprised that for once I was not blaming myself for some of my choices, but actually just realizing that the choices produced the outcomes they did because they worked that way based on what was known at the time...the typical, when you know more, you can act according to that new knowledge. Only one yadda here... Not being judgy as I wrote was so good for me. I embraced my history.

Introspection

Some things can only be learned in the moment. At court yesterday I realized that I was focusing on so many small details over the years, and that the law really does not care about any of that.i have never really been given any sound representation from my lawyers. It has taken looking at television court shows that have provided me with real guidance. I know that all of that sounds pretty strange. So, what have they been doing all of these years? I have been in reaction mode. He has always sent me an affidavit. Ill ways have been reacting to what he has written. When you know more, you can act accordingly.

Now it's said, let me now reach for what is mine. First of all, I must know that I am just as deserving as everyone else I convince deserve the best. My list has been written a long time ago, and I know that it is reasonable, do-able and non evasive to others and no less than what all people want as a matter of course. Yadda,yadda,yadda. Now, to get out of my own way. ..................... First of all, confront fear. It isn't real when you want to move forward and break down walls that always freeze you. The point is to go forward...press forward, know that mistakes will be made.

I have been so focused on things outside my own abilities as somehow superior, that until I started reading the first line of a short story, I remembered that I can look at things according to my own history. I have had so many business plans. Some never get further than paper. But all of them get mental vetting. So, at the beginning of this story, I thought about my dear friend, the one who started his own business and has a staff of five in a lovely area. He also has a wonderful boyfriend whose job is equally fabulous. That reminded me of my own love.It now seems like I have to think way, way back to recall all of that, but I definitely had that. All of that is so lovely and so wonderful. I have had challenges with what I want. I am so pesky with myself, I can only imagine how much I frustrate others. So,anyway,I have gone back and forth about what I can do...always feeling great doubt about my abilities. But yet, equally, I have done things. But my criticism has always been, choose, come on, choose and stick to it. I have stuck to many things, but I have also kept asking, what do I want? What do I believe in? I am all over the place...but I understand why. I am just all,over the place because I do that when I really want to write about the things that made me feel wonderful,but I am nervous about it. The very thing that will make me happy, I fear because it always has felt to me like shoe dropping.So,I have to stop being so anxious of my own life. .........there is so much in the mutual attraction and decision to be together. Then, you enjoy the future plans you make. It is just a great feeling...you feel good about your choices and it feels like an investment well chosen. So ...guess what, you do not realize it, but things are always for sale, and the ego, well, it has been in circulation from the moment you negotiate your first gratification.............. So here it is now. I say to myself and sometimes, not even to myself, I just acknowledge it with my eyes over magazine layouts. Perhaps, I hesitate as well,because it runs into responsibility that I have no idea about and worry that it shall still be a shoe drop. But I would just have to get over that. How silly is that? When I think about it, why fear joy because like life, things change when you least expect it? The point is that when life hurts, you need those good times to hold onto. Constant bad times is so very Catholic guilt! Lol. How is denying yourself joy helping one way or the other? This point must be flushed from the system at all cost! Wherever or whenever it was learned, it must be un-learned.