Over the last few days some things have happened so quickly that I have not really been able to table some time just to focus my thoughts. One of the things is confronting my over sentimentality. I ruminate on things sometimes, it's not a bad thing, but it does keep me in place at times. Now that I am looking at it more critically, I think that I should set some parameters about how long I should stew on something that I am feeling. That sounds a bit odd here, I know, because in some ways, how can logic transcend the need to heal from something? Equally though, how long is it healthy to go over and over certain things in ones mind? I think I spent at least fifteen years with Frequent Flyer somewhere in my heart, holding a torch for him. It is so easy to feel disgust with myself. If I look at it baldly, I can state that part of my reason for doing this was because it felt safe to do so. It did not cost me anything to indulge a bit of flirtation. So it lasted on and on, and as I always write, I thank someone who snapped me out of it about five years ago. But it took what happened last year to drive the message home. Then, yesterday, speaking to The Towers, one moment we were communicating, the next, he sounded eerily like my ex-husband. It scared the shit out of me! I got the creeps! It woke me the fuck up! What the hell am I manifesting? Why is this happening? Questions started pouring into my consciousness at rapid speed. I needed to distance myself as fast as I could. Now, I have written here that I have missed my ex-husband at times. However, there is a great deal that I certainly do not miss...and I know for a fact, that the only way in hell that I would ever consider getting back with him, is if he changed so dramatically that I was changed by it as well. That sort of thing only happens in novels. The first argument we would have would break me. It would be hard to allow any old patterns, even with promises to work on it. I see that that would be the case when I interact with him now, and I hear myself speak. Perhaps one day soon I might write about that specifically, because now that I know that I attracted my ex-husband AGAIN, I am very challenged by that. I assume that "you attract what you are"so, I am...aggressive,power driven,emotionally stunted, socially awkward,selfish and callous?!? Waw! That's a lot of negatives. Those traits loom to the fore that I take issue with. So, according to the law of attraction, I attract what I observe most, and I attract what I am, that is why I am repelled by it. That is hard to swallow, so I shall take these bitter pills one at a time. I have had issues with control. I do want to control my life. I can be passive/aggressive. I don't believe that I am emotionally stunted, I find that I feel empathy acutely for others. But, ok, I may be stunted in the area of giving myself emotionally to any man I have encountered after my divorce. I am closed off. That is true. I do not give of myself, not really. I am selfish in that way. Am I callous? Again, also, perhaps I am. I got involved with my ex boyfriend and arrogance led me down that path. I genuinely felt that it would be harmless...a fatal mistake. I did not invest myself emotionally, but he did. I don't know why I ever thought he would not. On the outside, I would never peg myself as all of those things. I don't look that way. But that does not men that I do not have a hard edge. I have always said that I do not want to show the other side of me, because she is damn cold and can be brutal. I now suppose that, if I did not show her, she would manifest anyway. It sounds like I am Schizophrenic, and perhaps I am? As I write, I see that embracing all facets of myself are necessary for my going forward. Attracting more of something I do not enjoy has never been my intention for myself. Yet, this is reality. Nothing is always 100% one way or another way. Everything is about variety. If I want love, I must love. If I want softness, I must display it and so on. I had to systematically become chaos, go through men...discombobulate myself where I didn't like me. I acted against character in order to grow and it was damn scary. I spent so many decades being just a good straight and narrow girl. it felt fucking awful to go against type. I was most fearful of being disliked! Not being able to fix what I broke. It has been damn hard not to feel constant guilt about what I see myself as now. Yet, I know that it is for my best. I have to shift and risk to grow stronger and to achieve the things that I really do want, and I have to do it because good girl kept me pale, pastel, watery....I couldn't find myself there. I was dying every single day by being everything for everyone else. I have written this now, so I can work with this. No more men to distract me from the essence of why they were repeating themselves in my life. I can down the weapons now. I shall continue to write and update myself on my work on this. But for now, I am damn grateful. i have passed a very serious test and I am very glad that I can see beyond what i thought were possibilities to truly something dynamically better...finding myself.