intrigue

I had a lengthy chat with a male friend of mine today about a number of things. We are working on a project together, so we are constantly in close proximity. We have chatted on this subject before, but this time we were able to explore the topic a lot more. Some of the things he mentioned has me curious. We both concluded that the world is such a contradictory place. But what I will also state here, is that as long as a person perceives things a certain way and only looks for the same in others, the likelihood of seeing anything else possibly is dim at best. In this instance, my friend stated that he wished that he could be rid of his sexual desires. I found this a dramatic statement and asked him why he felt that way. It seems that his experiences have not been the best. He attracts women with dependency issues. On a side note, I think I shall tell him to search himself and find out whether he attracts what he fears most or is? That way, if he works at it within himself, he may stop attracting such women. He is presently so far gone that he tells me that he is willing to pay for sex instead of having a relationship. He says that to him, most men need much more sex than they get from their partners. and...here's the shocker, he believes that women see sex as 'degrading'. Waw! That's a lot to take in. Now this is a very nice guy. He isn't even thirty seven yet, and already he is thinking this way! That blows my mind! Then, he went further to say that there is also the issue of incompatibility between men and women. He believes that many men do not even bother to try to have conversations with their girlfriends or wives about their real sexual desires for fear of insult, rejection or indifference. I have heard this from one or two other men I know...there is the whole thing about women wanting romance and men wanting sex, and I brought that up as the compromise. We both were also conscious of starting out with little suggestions and compromises leading to big compromises...would the requests never end? Suppose the desires bordered on the truly bizarre or painful, homo-erotic or truly deviant? What then? I know that this shall not be the last we shall speak of this, but I believe that his views, though relevant to him, are largely the product of both his experiences and his hard wiring by his parents and others closest to him.

strung together

RANDOM thoughts....a friend of mine has been extremely distressed about her children. I have been as all friends should be, a listening ear...but I could not help hearing something different this time...misery loves more and more and more of itself. My friend was so caught up in feeling the very worst, that I practically could not shake her out of it. So tonight I am writing a series of good thoughts as a balance to what I listened to today. ......... Buying myself flowers....having them on the table where I work...listening to soothing music all day long...drinking water with some lemon or mint...having a plate of tomatoes, sweet peppers, olives, dates, cauliflower....a bowl of cranberries...a soft pillow at my back...my book of positive quotes read at any spot...dark blue glass of rum punch...painting my toenails...a long bath...a massage with scented oil...smiling at a memory or two...hugs and kisses...crystals hanging at eye level...feeling contentment...fresh fruit...a green drink...sand underfoot at the beach...breeze...nakedness...touching tentatively...wrapped in a beach towel...running...holding hands...cold water...cup of coffee...unwrapping something that I wanted...Lush soaps...Lavender...Roses...Lemons...Grass...Rain...Chocolate...M&M Chocolate Candle..cinnamon...mint...marshmallows...oranges...great conversation...cashmere...silk...wood grain...Architecture...Eames chairs...Le Corbusier's chaise lounge in pony...handmade objects...leather bags...diaries...Balinese umbrella...small brass elephants...large throw pillows in hot pink...dark blue...dark green...lime green...orange...blue red....paintings...love letters...personalized stationary...ribbon...scented ink and Italian handblown pens...tassles on keys...pearls of every hue...coral earrings...love and laughter...the horizon and puffy clouds...traveling...pressing flowers in a diary...reading an excellent book...a bowl of pomeracs...lazy days...no worries...outdoor eating by the beach...or with friends in a back yard...swimming naked...a great view and complete privacy...sexy text messages...a long scenic walk...salads...fresh juices...LOVE...LOVE...LOVE...eye contact...dimples...jokes...silence...feet in a thick rug...the nights sky...

I am finding out more and more that for some things I feel socially awkward. I am not too different from my mother who is always busy doing so many things, and I criticize this way of being because it means that some things just do not get done. Yet, I am falling into that pattern again, trying to burn my candle from every end. In my instance it is because so many things interest me, and I want to get them done. But this is about my feeling unusual or finicky with some aspects f my life. Enough time has passed for me to be able to say that I would really like to be able to go at my own pace and not feel that I have to do this or that because it is what I should be doing according to some unseen dictate. I do not think that I come across as though I do, but still, I feel that way at times. Then there is the matter of feeling tired, missing the people in my life whom I felt closest to, and finding that there is just no substitute for them. I have made new friends, but I have not felt that I can be completely myself with them. Everyone who hs come into my life in the last decade are acquaintances, colleagues...not real, real friends. PerhapsI have been stand-offish? I am out of sorts tonight. Some sleep till be my tonic, I know. Yet, amidst all of my belly aching, I have promised myself something much more important and that is to nurture my best thoughts and that is what I will and must do.

I have come a long way. When I think back to the amount of energy I dispelled toward men,I cringe. I feel as though I made my life revolve around them. As I have deliberately worked on a few things this year, leading me here, I am so satisfied with myself now that I can see with confidence that I have put all of those dead thoughts behind me. I did it by doing much soul searching and real hard mental work. I started by understanding that I had a tendency to get into a lot of negative self talk that would go on and on. I knew that my ego was the culprit. I began filling my thoughts with new experiences and new information. The more vivid, the better. Then I began being more open to what I was listening to and picking up on the unsaid with greater awareness of what it meant. I also began to notice that my desires changed. I began to remember mown needs and my own goals as something to put first. Those small adjustments have gone a long way to helping me move forward in a way that I should. I presently have been going to bed and waking up with my mind ONLY on what I would like to experience in my life, particularly where my next steps need to be regarding my career. I am now planning on following that up with more allowances for 'new' sensations about seeing myself achieving the things I want to achieve. ....................................... I am thinking of getting married this year on my birthday.It shall be a very important experience for me, because my thought is to marry myself. I shall be looking for a ring, and I have decided to write myself some vows-: I promise to love myself and be kinder and gentler to myself. I promise to take care of my mind, heart and spirit with good things...so within so without. I promise to listen to my body and my minds needs and to take my temperature at all times, not to be dogmatic, but to hold myself to account for my actions, as I endeavor to respond to things in my life from a place of balance. I promise to forgive myself for my transgressions without hateful, negative self talk. Above all, I love myself because I am. ..................................... A mountain top shall do, or any space that is wide and pristine would suit me. I would make myself something simple, yet special. I would invite those closest to me to share in my marriage. I would have a small, intimate reception where I would encourage my guests to embrace love and loving themselves as well. I would have a Nun at my ceremony. ..................................... I am considering this very seriously, particularly because, after all that I have been through, it seems that that is what has been missing in my life. I believe that my symbolic act shall bring me great personal satisfaction and alignment. By doing this for myself and no one else, I would be declaring myself as independent and free to really be me. .....................................