There comes a point where you just have yo walk away. I have been having the usual predictable behavior with my ex and this evening, when he was up to the usual, I just decided to hell with it, it is time to just say no more. I always wondered how I was going to do that when a child was involved. Now, I think I can see how to do it. I simply will have no communication apart from texting about our child, and that's about it. I was always hoping for better communication. But now,I give up. No mas! ............... Meanwhile, my little one who is very much into story telling, mentions to me that objectification of women is something to do some kind of expression about. SO I am definitely encouraging that! I am very impressed. ............... Then, I have my own things that I am looking at as well. I am now, finally in a position to do much more now, I am still busy, but I can actually see how I am going to plan the next set of things that I want to create. Also, more and more things are coming to me, and I will have to juggle quite a few things. The beginning, when I get my eureka moments and then the rush of ideas is the really fun part...and then, I love the second rush of thoughts that mingle and come up like water, for judgement as they ebb and flow. I have so many options now. I actually want to do all of the things that come to me. I at least get to enjoy the process. I am looking for a spot to permanently put my stuff for working. ................

More Views ...... In the past I was so uber sensitive about doing the right thing and being seen as balanced and fair. Now, I am more inclined to branch out on my own with everything that I once thought of as the only way to think or to see things. It's basically called experience. Lol. I have spent this week focusing on starting a business. I discussed it with someone I just recently met who wants to start her own, and we got very chatty about a lot of things, and it was fun. My research shows me that I have alternative ways of doing two of the ideas that I have been toying with, one for the last three years and the other for the last three months. I am also now reminding myself of where I started out many years ago for the one that I have been focused on for years...it allows me the opportunity to do quite a few things online now...writing, beautiful imagery from the book I have been working on, past projects, journal excerpts, possibly some video work and a statement. When my partner died I did not realize how much has death impacted the work we did together. I now realize that I stepped back and grieved. I grieved although I was working. I took projects that did not showcase me...I was just doing stuff. Now I do not choose to continue to be neutral. I shall be trying out some new things in the next few weeks and months ahead and I am psyched about it. It is about time that I get back on my feet and see meaning in something that I have never stopped loving, but have put on the literal back burner. I shall be documenting some of my approaches here, and I cant wait!

Something just occurred to me, like an aha moment. I just realized that those moments in your life when you are feeling things strongly, and your debating in your head about which path to take...those moments are critical to how energy works. You can choose to just ride the wave, or you can decide that in those moments you can be still and allow the feelings to wash over you like a wave in the ocean. Allow yourself to just feel and be. You don't have to read the wave of uncertainty. Everything is not etched in the sands and making you have to go down that path instead of the one you bury deep inside of you because your afraid of what others may think, or may do, to stomp on your plans. None of that is real. So many times when people share their thoughts with me about their lives, I can see so plainly that they are being kept back by gossamer threads that they allow to tether them to the spot. But like Gulliver, he stood right up when the little people tried to capture him as he slept. What's important is the ability to have a creative thought quite separate from whatever you think your reality is right now...have that wonderful thought, protect it...shine and polish it and nurture it and know that a series of these thoughts will bring better, and eventually you'll do better and be better. You don't have to settle for what you think this present is. I always admire people who start all over and achieve great things. I just saw a short film this morning about a Japanese model who is in his seventies. He is an inspiration. It is necessary to get up in the morning and embrace the day, and push to see how much greater you can make yourself. Thats the whole point. You don't know how great you can be so go for it.

Better ...... Today I took the time to look at my finances and the way things have been for the year. It was a good wake up call. I was able to be very matter of fact about everything, and in so doing, I even got to see some patterns I have when it comes to my decision making and attitude about money. Then, with the whole Kim Kardashian theft of her jewelry in Paris, someone sent me an image of her husband, Kanye West, saying that he is $53Million in debt so naturally he'd stage the theft of $10Million in jewelry. The world is a very skeptical place. But that aside, the silly meme was helpful because it reminded me that more people than I can imagine are possibly living in similar debt, and still having a life. Life doesn't stop for debt. It can keep you small or you can be pragmatic about challenges like that. Get up in the morning and definitely be grateful to see another day. Find things to look at that make you smile. Every day, little things will creep into your day to cause anxieties of all kinds. What I am asking myself now is how and when am I going to re-write my history? ............. I am not settling. I am seeing my plans, goals and dreams actually turning out as I expect. Just writing that alone feels very good. .....I do not know when or how my expectations became so tentative? I know that I have never felt as though my country was one where I was on a level playing field. Now thats not unusual, but I never felt completely confidant about anything. That is where I need to start thinking.Only in the last few years have I been able to not see things that way. ....too much thought.

more thoughts ...on love... For me I have always known that friendship is at the heart of any other type of relationship. Particularly one that is romantic.Without being friends, I think that a romantic relationship cannot really be strong. ...on work... The things that I do to make a living are things that I enjoy. I am one of those people who can be placed under...love what you do, do what you love... Well, guess what, that sentiment is not actually accurate. You can love what you do, making it very enjoyable, but it doesn't mean that you'll make money or become wealthy...although it should mean that. ...money... It's good to have it. No doubt about it, and every day, when you can't pay your phone bill or see to your health because you don't have the finances, is a day where despite logic, it means everything because you weigh yourself by money. You feel really bereft when you can't pay for things. Your very attitude changes when you don't have.When you have, you don't think about it. You spend. Your needs are close. When you don't have, your suddenly small...anxious. Its crappy, and that's how it is. No matter how much you tell yourself that it isn't that way. ...sex... It is all in the head, and it is personal to you. Your attitude about it is everything. The hope is to meet someone who makes being with them something that feels right. Sustaining attraction takes the work to want to explore things together...to want to share your fantasies and to be really comfortable with each other...see friendship. ...wealth... As much about health as it is about literal cash.I have seen people with money spend the last year of their life as if in poverty. So what is wealth? The pedestrian answer is having more than enough.Put that way, then wealth is very attainable. Having friends,a job,family...that can be all part of wealth. ...on life... A big part of living is in always having ideas and plans. It is essential to be motivated.There is so much to blindside, to scare, to beleaguer, to doubt...you need people or at least someone to talk to whom you can trust or at least want to speak to who can listen without judgement. It's nice to hear from myself. I am going to do this from time to time.

As usual my ex manages to encourage me to write things that I probably would never write otherwise. The behavior that I see with him is that of someone who refuses to share. He gets into these phases where he's reasonable one moment and then completely out of control the next, for perceived slights. I am now inclined to consider him bi-polar. That is actually helpful to me, because if indeed he has an issue, then, I can stop thinking that I am dealing with someone who is acting normally. Writing about him here disappoints me, because I should be writing about other things. But I don't mind this, because I am doing it to draw my own line in the sand. It is clear that I have not been able to end some old habit that links us together still. Anyway, it is also hinged to my plans the next few months, months ahead and so on and so on. Being clear about things, things that when I was still a teenager and a young adult...I used to plan and talk about with a certainty of intellectualizing them. It used to be something that I enjoyed doing...name a topic, I would give it a certain amount of thought. massage it as though it were some prized thing that I was delicately honing. I probably still do it, but it is less clear to me and I would like to bring that back to my life. ................ I suppose it is as it is now because life is way different than it was then. So much was ahead of me and now,I have a great more experience. That may be why I fantasize less, and that's a shame I think. ................ Right now, more than ever, I feel that it is imperative to have clear views that I hold to. As I said, its already inside in a number of ways, but its not thought about...like the fact that I am happy with two blocks of ice to make a drink cold. Or that when I have to do extra long walks, I have a certain type of high hell that I choose over my other pairs. I have some preferences that comfort me. No doubt about it. They help me save time and they represent some of who I am...my ways of seeing. ............... But that is but a very small part. ............... I am trying to get back to some big things. Things like the way that I know that I used to believe that money was the most important thing to buying everything that is needed to be happy. I have learned that money is finite. You may feel like a big shot for a time. But everything you buy rots, stands still or devalues. The things that do not devalue must be bought in abundance, and the moneys needed to do that takes work and sacrifice. But many people see that as the only way, so they do it. ...then, there is the fact that large chunks of life is spent in predictable moments....how can you make yourself remarkable? When your a teen or young adult, you feel that everything will be mapped out and you'd just follow your map. But then, your map starts getting tampered with. ....You still talk about traveling and love and friends and excitement...but somehow, life shrinks many of these plans. Now I find that I would like to focus more on that, but I don;t know how to do it so that it becomes a bigger part of my life.....