As usual my ex manages to encourage me to write things that I probably would never write otherwise. The behavior that I see with him is that of someone who refuses to share. He gets into these phases where he's reasonable one moment and then completely out of control the next, for perceived slights. I am now inclined to consider him bi-polar. That is actually helpful to me, because if indeed he has an issue, then, I can stop thinking that I am dealing with someone who is acting normally. Writing about him here disappoints me, because I should be writing about other things. But I don't mind this, because I am doing it to draw my own line in the sand. It is clear that I have not been able to end some old habit that links us together still. Anyway, it is also hinged to my plans the next few months, months ahead and so on and so on. Being clear about things, things that when I was still a teenager and a young adult...I used to plan and talk about with a certainty of intellectualizing them. It used to be something that I enjoyed doing...name a topic, I would give it a certain amount of thought. massage it as though it were some prized thing that I was delicately honing. I probably still do it, but it is less clear to me and I would like to bring that back to my life. ................ I suppose it is as it is now because life is way different than it was then. So much was ahead of me and now,I have a great more experience. That may be why I fantasize less, and that's a shame I think. ................ Right now, more than ever, I feel that it is imperative to have clear views that I hold to. As I said, its already inside in a number of ways, but its not thought about...like the fact that I am happy with two blocks of ice to make a drink cold. Or that when I have to do extra long walks, I have a certain type of high hell that I choose over my other pairs. I have some preferences that comfort me. No doubt about it. They help me save time and they represent some of who I am...my ways of seeing. ............... But that is but a very small part. ............... I am trying to get back to some big things. Things like the way that I know that I used to believe that money was the most important thing to buying everything that is needed to be happy. I have learned that money is finite. You may feel like a big shot for a time. But everything you buy rots, stands still or devalues. The things that do not devalue must be bought in abundance, and the moneys needed to do that takes work and sacrifice. But many people see that as the only way, so they do it. ...then, there is the fact that large chunks of life is spent in predictable moments....how can you make yourself remarkable? When your a teen or young adult, you feel that everything will be mapped out and you'd just follow your map. But then, your map starts getting tampered with. ....You still talk about traveling and love and friends and excitement...but somehow, life shrinks many of these plans. Now I find that I would like to focus more on that, but I don;t know how to do it so that it becomes a bigger part of my life.....