and further more...

When I was through writing last night and firmly ensconced under my quilt, I got one more thought about what I was thinking about. I spent a great deal of time focused on the worst of what was going on in my life, so I produced more of it. It sounds pretty simplistic. But in a way, it is that simple. I didn't have a 100% horrible last eight years, there were many good moments. But for a great deal of important things, I focused emotionally on them. This was not the fault of myself or anyone else. It was just what it was. I can say now, and intend on being able to say in the future that a great deal of what I experienced was based on what I heard, and what I expected from a situation. Unfortunately, hearing scary, negative stuff is the norm, and I really do what I can to not impose that sort of attitude to people I deal with on a day to day basis. It is hard to find people who are optimistic, confident about possibilities for their future...basic things like that. But what I will say too is that I was possibly not receptive to attracting good advice. In 2017, I shall be looking at this much more. What sort of advice do I get? What am I attracting? How am I feeling about the things that I know I do want? Am I thinking that certain things are not possible for me, and so I should not even try? How am I making things better for me?

Here I am again

To the Vanzant quote the other night, I believe that what has stumped me for so long is this, how can I have lofty ideals when financially I have felt stumped by matters beyond my control? I think that that is an extremely important statement for me to make to myself now. The answer coming to me is that I must understand that the things that have been in my way are just that, things in the way. I can see this year that those "things' in my way were a product of what was "happening' in my life and NOT My life as it were. They were happening to me, most certainly, but they were not because of me or for me. They could have occurred to anyone else. I took them very personally. It took reading an article yesterday about a very serious topic of refugees from Africa going to Italy, and those from Syria going to Turkey. The plight of black women as opposed to the approach of the article about Syrians, showed that one group was clearly suffering greater atrocities than the other. The Writers were simply writing the facts that they observed. I kept wondering where the hell was the United Nations in all of the smuggling, gun running, prostitution and human trafficking? These Writers obviously were not the only people on the ground in these countries aware of what is going on even as I write this! I got completely caught up in the plight of the women and children in particular. I know that I am veering off what I plan to state about my own issues, but I need a moment...I kept asking as I read, why is it that women have no choice but to sell their bodies as they leave one part of Africa for the other and then have to do it all again when they get to Italy? The refugee women from Syria were not mentioned as having any such fate as they flooded into Turkey! I was very alarmed! I suppose that this is but one article, in reading others, I may come to see that it is not just one race of women having to make such decisions. It is all occurring to me right now, as I write this. So, yes, I was reading that excellent article and it got me thinking about the things that affect your life. Things can take certain directions that seem to upend your best intentions. Meanwhile, you my find yourself assuming that the lives you glimpse of others online are so much better than yours. There are little children growing up trying to come to terms right now with what their lot in life is against a child they may see at school with so much more than they have. There is much to reconcile about having and wanting and needing. I remember going to our house-keepers home and finding that she lived with her family in what to me seemed like real love and closeness. Was I somehow experiencing less than that at home? I do not believe so, but they way she and her family got along, I just felt the love and never forgot it. So I found that she was indeed wealthy despite not being materially rich. Lots of things happen to you, and you have to deal with it. It doesn't mean that your lucky or unlucky. It just is. No one really avoids life's emotional roller-coaster. Life is just always happening. So much of it is lived the same way by all of us. We all eat, seep, cry, laugh and connect with each other in some way or other. Sometimes I marvel at how much we don't know as a human race, how much we need to improve and work on to be way better than we are now. I am so grateful that I no longer feel things so close to the skin that I freeze and take it personally. I understand that there is a bigger picture, that the story is partly obscured. I see the need to be understanding that I am going through an experience and that it just is what it is.

Just do IT

Recently I read a quote from Iyanla Vanzant. She has been pretty big for many years in the Self help and Spiritual books field, having been on Oprah countless times until they fell out over some issue or other. I also heard from many people that Ms.Vanzant frequents my country and got her start here. I would not be surprised. Anyway...she made a quote about the fact that you cannot succeed if your self-esteem cannot surpass a certain level. I thought that that was interesting, as I have encountered that. I have seen the way students and the like say things and cut themselves off from their best because of fear of the unknown. I remember most pointedly that I knew someone who said to me that they wanted to make a certain amount of money a month, I cannot recall how much it was now, so I will just average. They said let me say, $15,000. SO, ok, I say to them, alright, imagine that you can get that amount a month. Before I even go further, she amends it, she says, well, she's ok with $10,000. So I then ask her why she decided to reduce it that much? As I ask she goes down even more to $7,000. I was so dismayed by how quickly she whittled down her dream. On another front, I have a friend I spoke with last week who was telling me how upset and disappointed she was with someone she's close to, because they neglected to do something that she expected them to do. When I pressed her about it, and suggested that she too could have mentioned what was forgotten, she brushed it off and blamed the person for not being able to read her.That sort of logic is infuriating! I am more determined than ever to get a tape recorder and observe myself, because if I do one tenth of what people around me do, no wonder results are always so skewed? Why do we behave like that? What is it about wanting certain things and then talking ourselves out of it? I am here on this blog tonight to give myself a good scolding if needed. I am about to embark on two projects that I have never considered before, and I am nervous. But I am not facing out of either one. I am just mentioning my nerves becauseI am completely out of my comfort zone with what I am going to be doing soon. But I have to do it. I have to give myself a chance to diversify my skills and to achieve certain things next year comfortably, and I am certain that these two things will be very good for me. I have been seeing thins that I thought about being done by others, so I am confident that these two projects are things that will work well. Seeing those concepts from my past done in the ways they were done tell me that that proverbial belief that creative people reach into the heavenly space to literally drink from a cup of inspiration, is an excellent metaphor, because it sometimes does feel like that. If you don;t do certain things, someone else will do it. The beauty is that it won't look like your way, but it will be done and you can actually marvel at the prospect. Some of these old ideas happened to be as follows-: The baby bag/rocking/vibrating pillow idea. Two, the standing from a wheelchair prospect....I designed that idea a few weeks ago, so the person who came up with the prototype was obviously working on iy way longer than that idea popped into my head. There are a few others that do not come to mind as quickly to write down now...and I am being bombarded by some new ideas, like this afternoon, I was writing an article and reading from another one to get a reference, and I found that I should be able to literally swipe my finger across the quote from my Macbook and see it embed itself into my article on my I-Pad. I also find that everything on one machine should be automatically transferable to the other machine as a matter of course. So many times I have images on my I-pad and have to email them to my computer! Sheesh. it is about increments of minutes, yes, but I am already patient for newer and faster technology. I can't wait for when 3D technology happens naturally on a computer interface that will no longer have any screen because it would basically be hologram technology. The things we see today will one day be integrated together to make things even greater, and that is something that I am really looking forward to.

back so soon

I meant to write that I have been giving much thought to what can only be termed, 're-inventing' oneself. Although that is not exactly what I would call my rumination. Of late I have been listening to people I know when they talk. I can practically predict what shall happen to them because of how they unwittingly speak about themselves and their lives. in fact, I am very startled by how much we give away our intentions with the cavalier way we speak about our expectations. I am so caught up with this at the moment, that I am considering buying a tiny tape recorder and taping myself so that I can actually learn to speak differently where needed. I am completely convinced that all of us human beings speak our lives into existence every single moment. I am even now conscious of my thoughts when I am not speaking as well. The things I tell myself that definitely sometimes undermines my desire to do things better. I have seen how much improved I have been the year. When I feel anxious, or I get into a negative self talk, I have been able to pause and sot of step back from what I have allowed to come to me, and then been aware of my breathing and feelings and then I ask myself, why I am feeling that way at that moment. It has really been extremely helpful for me to do that. It has actually made me feel markedly better. I have had one big explosive emotion where my ex was concerned this year, and I came to terms with the fact that I have some work to do where being triggered by him is concerned...and I think that perhaps I may not be expected to always disperse my feelings, a blow up is a big feeling, and maybe in the future I may find that I have completely overcome any need to have them. But for now, I will not act as though getting one or two from time to time is some horrendous setback. ..... What is coming up for me as well is a reminder about gentler feelings. As I have made a huge step to look away from focusing on negative things, I find that my focus on nice things really have produced more and more of the same. So much so that my tolerance for people saying negative things can make me hyper aware of the need to double up on thinking as opposed to their thinking as I possibly ca, I don;t know where all of this is leading me, but I am very satisfied with what I have been experiencing.

twenty sixteen possibilities

Many are calling 2016 antis horribilis as the Queen had done the year that Buckingham Palace had a fire. But really it feels that way because as someone wrote at the beginning of the year, it only seems as though many more disasters happened and many famous people died, When in actuality, it is simply that with more media, we just know more and more people are being made famous as well. But it was a hell of a year in terms of some famous deaths indeed. From our former prime minister to Cuba's first prime minister, to Carrie Fisher and her mother dying a day after she did, today. Amidst all of that, it is clear that one has to more than ever focus ones attention on getting on with what one needs to do. Over the last few months I have been a sympathetic ear for people I know, and I have had to be very patient at times. I have also become very mindful that I cannot allow myself to be anyone's therapist, as I have not caught the job and I have things that I was able to do this year, and it certainly does not include my being distracted by those who want to vent their frustrations that they themselves cause and I see as actually being their pastime, for any and all advice is almost surely less than taken. That may not sound fair, but here in this blog, I can say it. As I know that I have helped, But for myself, I shall be creating a change of scene for me. I found that not driving for example, to be a colossal pain in the ass this year.I need to look into getting a car. I was able to come up for air from being always in the courts, so that was fantastic! I did quite a few things form career, and I shall definitely be continuing to do much more next year. I am excited and looking forward to seeing my efforts come to fruition, That's wonderful. I am feeling better about letting go of things that I was sentimental about. I think on some of them from time to time, but they are just minor visits of the mind. I am not brooding, and that is great as well. I am up for new experiences that will help me explore new ventures, so that's very cool. I missed writing here, so I set out to do this tonight, and I shall write again before years end.