ready...set...go

It feels like September already. I am projecting into the future. There is so much to be done. I am determined to accomplish at least one of my projects before years end. I also have to travel. My sister and I have made arrangements for my daughter and I and things are on stream there. Some things are happening, I am pleased to write.It makes me very hopeful, and encourages me to push and to work even harder on the things that I want to take into consideration is the vending that I did quite a lot of research on. I have a strong hunch on that that I should pursue it. The logic to think about my plans every day really works. They do not seem as formidable as they usually do. They now seem not only do-able, but actually vetted. I just want to get on with things.

feeling some kinda way

As our local slang goes. Of course I am feeling some kinda way. But it isn't mind numbingly, heart and soul crushingly bad. Lol. However, it is a hovering sadness. How can I be mad? I state it again. When I saw the images of his little family. How could I even begin to object! They are getting a second chance. I am so happy for them. I was lucky for the time given to me. I experienced something amazing too. His son looked over the moon with joy. The scene looked hard won. I am sad, but guess what, I can't be mad about it. I can't.

that's the way it goes, it goes, it goes...

I was in a rush to get here tonight because of some news I came across that I was not expecting. I found out that juliemangoman has reconciled with the mother of his child. When he and I last spoke he brought up their estrangement and seemed a bit irritated by even discussing her. But now, I see that they are definatly back together. I could be mad about it, but I am not. I have to say that it is a testimony to how we have been with each other. For a moment though, I felt that tug of deja vu. I find this out and he didn't just tell me himself! That's disappointing. So here I am again. Yet, not. Perhaps I was right about the yellow inside too? Lol. I learned a great deal with this person. Learning comes no matter what. All of this by the way sounded way better in my head. I always wondered how in the world we were going to work out? That was my initial thought. Then over time, I had other concerns...mainly the issue with the way we communicated, or didn't as the case may be. I just have to walk away. I am happy for his family. I would not have liked to be an issue anyway, and I have to assume now that at a certain age and stage in ones life, it is inevitable that I will continue to meet men whose lives are not uncomplicated. I can be magnanimous because I think that if I were struggling with my ex and he was in a position where we could be on better terms, I would be torn by the chance. I am not likely to ever be in that situation, so I don't consider it for myself. Nevertheless I relate. I go over how much he impacted me. He did, big time. I have male friends who have told me about great loves of their lives whom they did not end up with. I have even seen it up close by being considered that person. Now, I have to say that juliemangoman may be my kryptonite. I really was into him, and it was so simple, who knew that I had those needs? He was attentive, sensitive, gentle, masculine in a very domineering way that I liked a great deal. We laughed easily and talked easily about many things. He was practical and had street smarts. He didn't crowd me, contacting me all of the time in an overly needy manner. The chemistry between us was bananas!!! I felt that we had some sort of telepathy going on. (ha,ha,ha) The time we had made me actually consider him in ways that I never bother to consider a man around me. I don't go off contemplating the kinds of experiences I want to have, but he made me do that because one of our first long conversations was about traveling somewhere, and we just blurted out that we would go together. I loved his spontineity and his sensual, elegant manner. He said erotic things to me and loved being naughty and nice. What was there not to enjoy there? I appreciate what we had. I really felt that he matched me well, and I was looking forward to more. Alas, it seems not to be. ................ One important take away here is that this experience opened me for real love in my life, and by that I mean the kind that will truly be right for me.I can only say thank you. I am grateful for what I was able to see because I took the time to see.

confidence

My sister left yesterday to go back home. When we set out together to travel, little did I know how fast the time would go, and how much I would miss having her so close to me. I have found and she has found that we are a formidable team together. I marvel at her strength, her beauty and resilience. Talking with her late into the morning about everything and nothing was wonderful. I saw how lucky we are, in the way that we were brought up, and all that we have learned separately. I feel nothing but confidence going forward, and I also know that what challenges may come, we are both on spot to work together.

My sister and I were discussing the BdSm culture and she was equating it to slavery. I know almost nothing about the lifestyle and my sister knows a bit more than I do. But the topic was interesting. We were wondering whether such a culture could have been given some roots in that atrocity? I instantly thought about the 60's movie with Charlotte Rampling on the Holocaust. There were undertones of such a lifestyle in the camps. It was a torturous, vile little film as I remember, but it stayed with me. The movie was actually in the 1970's and called The Night Porter, obviously controversial because it eroticized the nazi experience. It was awful, but it was also unforgettable as I stated before. A real ballsy film at any time.

* j* u*l *i *e *

Ok, so a year ago I was walking to get a taxi. I was wearing a dress that my mother found was old and needing retirement. But, it was a comfortable asymmetrical Indian cotton dress that had unusual pastel shades that still worked so well in my mind. I bumped into the man I would for a short time call 'julie mango.'I decided not to continue calling him that. Not because it doesn't suit him, but because the inside of such a fruit is yellow and the symbolism for the color isn't always positive, so I thought better of it. A year on, this julie mangomnan is still able to capture my attention. He was here for a wedding and he shall be back in two weeks. I am only writing here as a sort of placeholder. I don't really know what to say. I am a bit speechless. But I will say this, the symbolism for yellow with the title of julie mangoman is as follows-: sunshine,hope, happiness. The negative associations with yellow are actually not in the interior of the real julie mango. You peel back the green, red and yellow orange skin of the mango and inside that yellow colour is rich and bright. Glistening and soft, yet firm. So my trepidation with naming him so swiftly and then doubting has not juice...literally. Years ago, I did some images of someone eating a julie. I still have it. One was of the juice running down ones arm, and they were sucking the juice with the bulk of the mango in their hand. It is actually a quaint image that I want to do as a dinner plate drawing. It is really beautiful. I think about that and I smile fondly. I smile fondly thinking about the juliemangoman. Yes, I think that the two words work well together. A year on and what do I know? I am still working with my instinct and my vibe and I am still terrified to feel what I am feeling. It has taken a lot for me to get here. I have fought with my feelings for so long. I wore myself down. I got so exhausted arguing for and against my feelings in my mind, that I just held out a white handkerchief in my consciousness. It was really bad. I had to make a leap of faith in myself.

So much to say, so much

It's been a rollercoaster ride of bad services. From a beauty business to the bank for my sister. Meanwhile I just found out that a dear old friend of mine just moved back home. I was so shocked. She did say that she was considering it, but when I think about what my sister is experiencing, I cannot imagine my friend being able to stand it for more than a few weeks! I actually sat for awhile trying to decide how to start this entry when I wanted to be writing for weeks now, but so much has been happening. We had a month of stresses with the Internet. That was annoying in itself. Only yesterday finally someone was able to fix it. however, they had to do it in a roundabout way. I live here, and I know that service sucks. but to have been in new York for three weeks and then return home and see things from having recently travelled is glaring. The things that one puts up with are substantially bad. From people not looking you in the eyes when talking to you. Not knowing anything on their job. Not being helpful. being downright rude. Not caring if you buy something or not. Asking you whether your 'getting true?" when your the only one in the store looking around for your item for ten minutes. They are on their phone, or talking to someone they are working with, and ignoring you the customer. It's awful! I do not bother to ask for any help. I look for an item and I get my money out and get straight to the casher and leave. I spend very little time buying things from department stores, and my sister buys nothing apart from groceries, and sometimes she goes to the grocery, but she now buys almost everything online. I was surprised at how much she does this, but this could serve me so well here. My sister being here has put a spotlight on all that still needs to be done.